Down the stairs I went with the last of my life in my hands, closing the door to ME. Everything ME was behind those doors. My heart felt bent, mangled, and distorted. I was completely spent
Laughter in the early morning as my kids would race for television dibs. The sibling rivalry I would not hear. Having to lead them into their homeschool work, with a perky smile. All this now was lingering miles behind me. As the car wheels drew further from my family that made me, ME. Without them I had no exsistence
What was next I did not know. I just knew this was the most pain I had ever felt. These cards dealt were not a hand I wished to play. Sorrow rained upon my day. Lord where will I go, how will I be carried through
I stayed with different families within my church. Different beds, so much hurt. I was distant, and talked little. Reminded that this too could not last
So few friends, and my only family just closed the door behind me. With phone in hand I had to call my mom in Washington. It was time to go home to my roots
Soot I declared, cremation my heart is mere ashes. I did not want to live I cried. I already felt dead inside. My mom knew the distress in my voice, as I wept. Barely breathing between my sobs. The cob webs, and skeletal remains were enough to do anyone in
The wheels in my head were a constant replay of my kids voices. Longing to see, touch, and feel their presence. Merciless trampling my brain to no end. My kids, they were my kids, how could he do this
All I could do as I had zero resources was get on a plane bound northwest. That really felt like a slam in the chest. How does a mom leave all she is behind. Oh this life is so unkind. God will you not spare me from this reality? Go back, and change all to a minor technicality
In all honesty there was nothing left. I could not go back. I gave into the devil and could not elude him. In fact earlier that week in an inebriated state, I waded into a pool put my hands up in the air. Just did not care, and began to float under water. Waiting for my body to have no breath. There was nothing left. My vision Ebenezer. Feeling God was a rouge
All I remember is standing in a shower, wondering why I was still with life. Yelling at people who saved me to leave me be, let me loathe in self pity. My world crashing in around me, God could not grab me. Curled in a corner of the tub in my bathing suit, head so low. Fresh cut wounds staining me red. I wanted to be dead
All that was left for me to do was get on a plane in save of my life. What little life I had. So on a wing, and a prayer. Yet the prayer was not there. Not yet! Just jet fuel, and distemper. Waiting to detonate
With luggage in tow, and all the baggage my heart now carried it was quite a load. Turmoil surrounded me, and the devil gloated. I was half loaded upon flight. Not sure where I left God, feeling the rod he did not keep. Maybe in the car as we drove off with my all ME, my life in the rear view mirror. On a plane now leaving all of ME behind, bound for who knew where. God was making way to do a number on me YET!
2 Corinthians 1:1
He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.