Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Ours are not paper hearts

Heard you hopped a plane from Florida to Washington, this was it. It hit hard. I actually saw the airport photo of you on Instagram. With a guitar like always as your carry on. What a slam. The papers were served after 3 1/2 years of separation, and 21 years of marriage it would soon ALL be over

No minor children, or assets to split. Just look over the documents, and agree to it, and sign for dissolution of marriage. No happily ever after riding off in horse and carriage

It had been so long since we had seen one another. My heart was ill prepared for this kind of meeting. The encounter of what would finally be our end. My heart was split like a lumber jack standing with an axe in hand right down the middle. A perfect score. Ready to burn, it ached for us and all we had been through

I knew you did not have the means to file. Your papers sat stagnant in the Florida courts for years. The kids even begging for order, and closure. For awhile I was allowing God to still take precedence just for hopes pleasure there was still a chance at salvaging the wreckage. Hope was long gone as was the song played on our wedding day

Pastors teach divorce is worse than death, because there is no finality in it. Your dad was there the pastor himself, and the one who married us. Hearts lay baren, where we once took up rest in one another. What takes a lifetime to build was signed off in that of the matter of minutes with a pen and signature

Here it was the day to appear before the judge. My body was permeated with emotions all over the board. It had been 3 1/2 years since I had even seen you. So little conversation too. Our poor kids my heart could not fake, for God sake this was not how it was supposed to be. Bending to my knees. God prepare me for me this end. Give me poise, don’t allow me to fall apart

So they we were, the same members of our family from the beginning on our wedding day. You walking by a nod of your head, me just in shock. You looked so different. Your mom and dad followed behind. Your dad the only one saying hi. You looked like a rebellious child heeding to your father’s cohearsing. This was a day to mourn a marriage that was born 21 years prior. We were awaiting the death of what God had brought together. We failed our vows, and the cost was great. Sorrow was the hallway we sat in

Our names called the same names still, but soon to be different. As I entered a peace was brought over me. My thoughts so clear, as you were the closest in that chair next to me than we had been in years. I felt so little for you, I did not know you. There was no attachment to you, love for you was not provoked. We had become unequally yoked. How could this be? God was allowing me to let go, set ourselves free

All sworn in and papers looked over, irreconcilable differences. So cut and dry. I proceeded to hand the judge all the documents he needed. Now being signed, date stamped, and completed

The end was in my hand of that of a paper (a paper end). Marriage dissolved, I know longer belonged to him or him to me. We all stood to exit the court room. Never even said goodbye, barely even a glance just went on our way

I was grieved to see celebratory instragam photos that night in that of a wine bottle, and the comments too. This was not a day for celebration. A family torn apart, the Lord cried for our demise that day. Our children’s hearts were broken. Yet you take token 

There was no celebration to be had from me, just closure. Knowing it was now time to move on. With God taking over. This was not what he purposed for our family. All in that of a paper. Yet these were not paper hearts, ours all 4 were blood shed. Wounds not sparred. It started with well meaning hearts, all played out

“The End” she cries many tears for the years lost and memories shared

Dissolved, and over. Time to start over

“I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.”
—Joel 2:25 (ESV)

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/11/16/provoke

Author:

Don’t give up before the miracle happens! Smile lots, forgive quickly, and never take life for granted!

10 thoughts on “Ours are not paper hearts

  1. I love writing because the pen and the paper welcome whatever mood I am in. If you read my poetry you can probably guess which ones are reflections of my divorce. May the God who knows the heart bless and keep you near to his – Always.

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    1. Yes writing is a great way to express life. I am grateful for the time to blog. Since my double mastectomy I have more time than I know what to do with. God is, and always will be my first. I am grateful for the life He gave me for it give me the story I have today to share. Blessings to you! Have a wonderful day, Lisa

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  2. That is a heart wrenching story in that how can one person openly celebrate a relationships end? I mean I know there are signs of relief and I am sure a happiness, but to post on social media…it is a bit childish.

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    1. It was sad for sure, but they also were at a completely different place in life than I was. Divorce brings out the worst in most. We each had our part, the difference was I was willing to seek help if it could be found. We were just too far gone. Trust me when I saw that picture, and who commented I was pretty disappointed in many people I once respected. I have known my ex since the 4th grade, I only wish him the very best. He would not know this because we have not talked since and that was years ago. Divorce is something I wish on no one.

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      1. My late husband and I were going through counseling prior to his passing. I am torn though because now that I can honestly reflect upon the relationship we had, I can’t say it was honest and true. I suppose if he were still here we would still be working on it. One of the hardest things about his passing was that when he was so sick and I feared that he would die, I never felt like he cared to live. That is what hurt the most I guess.

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      2. I get that my ex is an alcoholic/addict. He wasn’t until later in our marriage we married at 20. Everything I knew was him. My whole identity was him. He lived a farse though. He had a completely second life outside our home. I knew it, but it took me forever to want to address it. I knew it would hurt so bad to hear the truth come out of his mouth. I was right, as soon as I asked I wanted to shove the words I had just said so fast back into my mouth. I knew with the way things were going nothing was going to change. He only saw me as the problem. He didn’t see any wrong in himself. Which was insane to not see with the life he led. I am sorry to hear that about your late husband. That is hard stuff.
        I have a very good friend whom I know her marriage was on the rocks when her husband suddenly passed, she will not let on to any of that. She just holds on, and only talks about the good things. I don’t think she knows that many of us know. All good though if that is what helps her survive her grief. Life is hard, and many curve balls can be thrown our way. Can I ask how your husband passed?

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      3. Well, back in April 2018 we had just gotten back from vacation to The Dominican Republic. It was a beautiful vacation but there were things that were “off”. Anyhow, we got home and things were fine. One night he woke up and said he was having heart palpitations. We went to the ER and everything was fine but after he told them some of what he was feeling they determined he might have Lyme Disease. They put him on Doxycycline and it damaged his liver. They said he could have been allergic but I later found out that his liver was already compromised because of drinking. I didn’t know what a “functioning alcoholic” was. I only knew what alcoholics did and acted like…But my husband went to work everyday and provided for us 100%. But he was an alcoholic. When he was in the hospital I fought for him to get a liver transplant. They gave both of us a hard time because they “knew” he had a drinking problem. Anyhow, he got worse and I begged him to fight. I don’t think he did though. He died getting a liver transplant. He was so sick by the time they did it that he started bleeding and they couldn’t stop it. I feel bad sometimes thinking about him in a negative way but it is so very hard. I have David in my life now and he treats me like a queen and I honestly went through my whole marriage of over 21 years, thinking that the kind of love I wanted was only in fairy tales. I honestly thought that what I wanted in my marriage was just pipe dreams or something. I do a lot of writing to deal with it all. The strange thing is is that I feel like I had lost him a long time ago and I was just avoiding the truth of it.

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      4. I appreciate your honesty. I know alcoholics as I am one, in recovery. Haven’t drank in 7 years, and 3 months now. I didn’t find drinking until later in my life. I was so unhappy in my own marriage, that when I took that first drink it was on. It just numbed my reality. So I am in AA, and I hear stories like your husbands all the time sadly. Many can be functioning. I was not, and my ex just stopped working all together. I always wanted the fairy tale marriage too. We didn’t even have sweet pet names for one another. Our kids thought we were the weirdest married couple. Which we were now looking back. He is still drinking, and I fear for my kids we will get a call that he passed. You can only live like he is living for so long.
        What heartache you have been through, but you are so strong! I admire your willingness to write about some of it.
        I am so happy you found love. I found my soul mate, and he calls me honey. He provided for the two of us, and he is too in AA. So we both know what alcohol can do to a life. I am so grateful I met him he is my super star, and cheerleader. He loves me just as I am. Which was not the case in my previous marriage. I was never enough.
        Often times hardships bring something better! What a story you have! Keep sharing how ever you can, it is healing! I am worthy, and my husband treats me with worth. I was so lost after my divorce, but the AA program helped me realize who I was again.
        Blessings to you! ❣️🤍❣️ Lisa

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      5. Well it is nice to hear your happy ending…Well, not ending but you know what I mean. I think back and there were so many things about my marriage that I just ignored. I mean, except for a peck on the lips to say goodbye, he never, ever kissed me. I tell people that and they cannot believe it. I am learning now, with the help of my therapist that it wasn’t me and that I am not what drove him to drink. What does get to me though is that I wasn’t enough to stop for. I guess that is why they call it addiction.
        Good for you for helping yourself.
        💪🏼👏🏼❤️

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