I was the alcoholic who tried to so call “stop drinking” all too many times to no avail. I switched from Whiskey to Wine, I tried drinking only on the weekends. I tried weaning myself off of what I knew was surely killing me, as well making me insane. Although I could never not have it in my house, that was not an option for this drunk. How would I live without it! I couldn’t imagine.
I didn’t know how to stop drinking. I drank to live, and lived to drink. My eyes were blind, and heart was calloused. My blood had run cold, and my life was getting old. I was getting sick, and tired of being sick and tired. It was so progressive for me. I get why they say it is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Each drink made me more deaf, blind, and dumb than the drink before. Yet still I poured.
This alcoholic poison came before my God, my husband, kids, job, it literally became my all. Nothing else mattered except chasing the booze. So than I could snooze into my numb state. I always thought what if it wore off enough that I felt. Kneeling, groveling for more. I willed myself through that tonic not to feel ever.
The only answer I could find was in the room of Alcoholic’s Anonymous. It was the solution, it offered me a new way of life. When I entered through the doors I had the desperation of a dying woman willing to do whatever it took to become sober, and live this new way of life. Experience, strength, and hope of the others carried me to see this too could be me.
For me to drink is to die, this disease is progressive. If I get to August it will be 8 years sober for me. Yet this disease is still doing push ups. It wants to kill me. It wants me to give up. Give in yet again, and drink it into my skin.
I daily have to be willing to turn my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. Let Him run the show. Give Him ALL of me. It is a gift today! It is a must.
I have to be ABSTEMIOUS, better yet I have to be completely abstinent from alcohol. One drink is too many a thousand not enough”. This is 100 percent the kind of drinker I am, I am an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol, and my life had become unmanageable in every way.
I can’t ever forget where I come from, and what got me into the rooms. I earned that chair, and I go with great eagerness today. Meetings are by choice. I don’t want to lose what has been gifted to me in these last few years. Sober truly is a beautiful life. It’s not always easy, but it isn’t as complicated as my life when I was a drunk. I am not stuck.
All by the grace of God I chose to live in the solution, and remain abstinent from alcohol. That bottle for me, will take me to my grave. I will be the lady on the side of street flagging people for money. It’s so not funny, there goes I.
Thank you Jesus for opening my eyes to the prize that sits in the Book with the steps, and principles to live by. Meetings will always be a part of my life, and I have to remember to not become complacent. Ego will kill me, and resentments will to.
So I will continue to surrender myself to that chair, and say “hi my name is Lisa, and I am an alcoholic”.