“I’d rather stand with God and be condemned by the world than to stand with the world and be condemned by God”. ~Denzel Washington
I have this thing for speed, out on my bike. I must go faster, and farther than the time before
I have this thing for speed you see I set my Stava application to calculate while I ride. I must go faster, and farther than the time before
I have this thing for speed, out on my bike. I ain’t riding no trike this is a mountain bike. Gaining much strength, and endurance from a very tainted year. Pushing it hard into gear. I must go faster, and farther than the time before
I have this thing for speed, I love to ride. I have this mentality of ride hard, or go home. Each day my miles, and speed increase. It makes me feel so accomplished when I am putting my bike away. Knowing I went a little harder than the day before. I must go faster, and farther than the time before
I have this thing for speed. I desire to gain all of my arm strength back that I lost with my double mastectomy surgeries. The doctor says, “you go Lisa”! “You got this”! Ain’t no cancer surgeries going to take all my strength at 47 years years old away. I must go faster, and farther than the time before
I have this thing for speed, and I happen to know God gave me the strength to get back up after one of the longest years of my lifetime. He gave me the desire to regain all that my body has lost. He has given me the will. I must go faster, and farther than the time before
I cling to this today, in a world of uncertainty I find myself in prayer. I shall not live in fear, letting go of all at the cross on Calvary.
I find solace in the throne room right at my Father’s feet. I know without a doubt I can trust my unknown future to a very known God. The world may seem crazed, I just have to keep my focus on praising Him in His name! Father “thy will be done”.
This new world order is what must be for you to fulfill things I can not see. I am on bended knee, with faith over fear. You always have our best at heart, you have it down to an art. Even though we can not see the whole picture, you are holding the finished masterpiece in the palm of your hand! On this your truth I stand!
This move for me took a lot out of me, more than I ever imagined. I thought I kind of had this whole double mastectomy thing licked. 6 weeks after my surgery I was walking daily, and soon that went into mountain biking. A lot of mountain biking too!
Well mountain biking is one stretch of the upper body, and a whole lot of lower body strength. With this move my body has experienced so much push back. My body is not used to the stretching, bending, pulling, and lifting that comes with unpacking a home full of boxes.
This week I have experienced 3 major emotional breakdowns. My body does not want to cooperate with what my brain wants to accomplish. So this leaves me with acceptance. I have got to accept the limitations of my body. I am not one to easily ask for help. This week though I had no choice, but to pick up my phone. I needed to talk about my emotional state because I can’t afford to be stuck for too long where I have been. Right now I am just in the mud, if I don’t lean into God with acceptance soon enough I will find myself in quicksand. Sinking in self pity, and letting my ego get the best of me. Humility is a must for me!
It is amazing at how having a spiritual connection with my Lord, and savior as well a recovery program keeps me touch with my character defects. I can see when I am missing the mark. I am gifted the tools today to not have to stay where I have been. I just got to get my tool box out, and get the tool needed for this difficult time. I need the serenity prayer, and God to help me understand who I am now after my double mastectomy. As well the no sensation in my breasts has really hit me hard.
So I was kind of smacked up side the head with a major reality that I am not as well of as I thought I was. I do though know with my loving God, AA program, and all the support of my family I can get there. My husband is a God send!
I will always be amazed at how God is so faithful to meet us right where we are. We can be at the highest point of joy, or the lowest point of grief that comes with much weariness, and He is there. He is sovereign, and He loves me unconditionally. So there it is I have had a heck of a week with some major choking gut wrenching tears, and whacky thoughts. I am far from perfect, and I have felt a little crazy with my emotional upsets. Though everyone has reassured me that it okay to fall to pieces, as long as I don’t stay in pieces. So my prayer is God will grant me acceptance!
I am far from the superhuman I was wanting to be, and pushing myself to be. As well as the lack of sensation in my breasts makes me no less the woman than I was. I am a child of God! My value is not in, and of this world. My value rests in the eternal world of my Lord! Praise God for that! I am always amazed at His faithfulness to His children! So blessed to be one of His, and in His family today!
Been going through a lot, my heart still bares threads. Torn some pieces, edges nudged. Just slightly smudged. Didn’t realize the emotional toll my double mastectomy would take on me
This is my plea, my voice rings out to thee God above. Over mountain peaks, and roof tops I shout this for my heart needs your ear. I need willingness to accept, been very down on myself
I am not poor
I am not shabby
Jesus is my caddy
I am not inferior, or low quality
Jesus is superior
I can’t change the status of my life
I have to grieve
I am not less of a woman
I need to be willing to give myself some grace
I am not subpar
I am not second rate
Jesus is written on my hearts slate
I have to get to a place of acceptance of my new body parts. Art in the making is what it seems. Still trying to wrap my mind around these new things. I guess they call them breasts at best. Jesus hear my plea
So when I look in the mirror things are most definitely different, but I am alive. They are doing there best to make me look great. I try with gratitude to not shake my head with disgrace at the odd shape. Wave my old breasts goodbye. Jesus hear my plea
I will rise above yet another test that God has given me, my prayer is that I swim. Not sink. Pain inflicts, but will not be my fall. I call to thee instead with my plea. Disfigured reflections, I fear rejection. No sensation in either one, numb. Bumping into things, and no feeling. Jesus hear my plea
Hey I know I am not too shabby, just another journey to walk. Not just talk. Probably sounds like I have not made up my mind, on how I feel about myself. Trying to convince myself, yes a little. My emotions are a little of track from this new rack I wear. Jesus hear my plea
A new road now unfolds, imperfect yep. God makes up the difference, substandard not with Jesus as my right hand man. For with Him I will stand facing the mirror with acceptance of what stares back at me. Jesus hear my plea
Time to swim, catch my breath. Tread the water I used to sink. Give myself a break, shake this feeling of indifference away from me. Look at my body with a new perception of acceptance. They may be little strange to look at, and sometimes I gasp. Jesus hear my plea
Watch me take flight, as Eagles soar for Jesus I adore through all the tribulations. This will not get under my skin. Sink or Swim. Jesus hear my plea
I choose swim until the very end…He hears my plea
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
I just wrote for well over an hour, I poured my heart out in words. Words I wanted to be read by you, they are gone. It is as if I never had a single thought. Poof it is just gone into thin air. I will not throw a hissy fit, or temper tantrum. No conniption needed. Maybe the Holy Spirit just wanted that writing to be just for me today. Keeping it Simple, and walking walking away. I always have another day. I accept it is gone…
For everything there is a season, and a time for every [a]purpose under heaven: 2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Two days of just being blah, and I could not put my finger on why. I am 4 months Post Double Mastectomy. I have had 2 surgeries, and have 1 more to go. The time has come that it needs to be done. I have to schedule my final surgery.
I pick up the phone, and while dialing the doctor I start sobbing. Welp I didn’t need to put my finger on my funk any longer, I could not wrap my brain around another surgery. I am feeling so phenomenal, and I am back to my norm, and mountain biking a ton. Summer is my favorite season, and I have been living it up.
So here I am crying trying to catch my breath, making my pre-op appointment for my final surgery scheduled for October 7. With this Covid-19 there is so much more detail too. The whole conversation with the nurse I was agitated, my nerves were ruffled so deep. I could not find the peace I know I needed, and need.
So this is where absolute surrender comes in, I have to die to myself completely. I have to find acceptance in the middle of my brain saying I am not ready for another traumatic surgery. I don’t want to be poked, prodded, and manipulated on a cold sterile table. I don’t want my breasts to be fondled.
So I ask my loving Lord to swaddle me in a blanket of his comfort, and love. I ask for Him to give me peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray my God be with me as He is the ultimate surgeon. I give myself to thee, to do with me as thy will. I ask for him to help me wrap my brain around 1 more upheaval of my life. Praying the blah passes, and tears stop trying to trickle out of the corner of my eyes. 1 more surgery, and God it is your will. Help my spirit be lifted, tears be dried, and Lord God be at my right side.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7