I admit yesterday I was bit testy after my pre-op surgery appointment.
I admit it seemed like I had a million papers to sign on Covid alone (so exaggeratory) but hey this is my story.
I admit I was saddened when my doctor said my mom can’t care for me after surgery since she works at the biggest hospital in our town. She would have had to self quarantine for 2 weeks prior. So whatever.
I admit I don’t really have a so whatever attitude I am just overwhelmed by all that was said. Covid has changed everything about this surgery.
I admit I need to get on my knees, and pray for God to take the anxiety as well agitation I am feeling at this moment. I need to give it all to Him.
I admit I am so far from perfect, and my attitude has been far from desirable.
I admit I need to pray for God to give me unshakeable faith. One that does not even flinch at the slightest discomfort. He will furnish the quiet place for my soul with all the furniture of faith. I need all the help I can get I admit.
I elect right now to be removed from the unrest of my soul. Beholding God’s calmness in my impatience, God’s patience in my limitations, God’s perfection. This is my election to be free of self, and allow the spirt to work within.
I admit I am of a human, with a spirit that needs attuned to my Heavenly Father today! I admit I have been afraid. I am ready for this breast cancer journey to be over. When really it is not up to me, so my plea get myself out of the way of His will for all of this today!
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13
My day will be spent away from WP today. I have my pre-surgery appointment today, for what prayerfully should be my last breast cancer surgery.
I will have a mandatory Covid test, and some other blood work too. As much as I would rather stay home, and stay warm this is necessary. So Lord willing everything will go as expected.
As well the day of our move the temperature is dropping drastically to a whopping 33 degrees, with the possibility of snow Friday. So crazy I grew up here, and this will be the first in many years to get snow before Halloween.
So lots to turn over in prayer today. God has us, and always has our best at heart. I am trusting on November 9th, my surgery will go without any complications. For God is the ultimate surgeon. We have been on a very long breast cancer road, and I am ready for this to be the end! 🙏🏻
God bless! Prayers would be greatly appreciated and coveted!
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lordyour God is with you wherever you go.”Joshua 1:9
My best friend/hubby and I This weekend was great!
Ladies, and gentlemen this is of the utmost importance. This month is breast cancer awareness month!
Since my early 20’s I have had breast health problems. I have never had the pleasure of a mammogram coming back normal. I was the girl, that was asked to stay for more imaging followed by ultrasound imaging. Then I would get the call to schedule a biopsy, and sometimes in multiples.
The yearly process for me was more than draining. I had a few infections from just a core needle biopsy, just making it all the more fun. Woman in general aren’t supposed to necessarily get annual checkups until the age of 40. I have very dense breasts which make me a higher risk for breast cancer. So mine was every year from 24 years old on.
Fast forward to 2 years ago today. October 5, 2018 I had several titanium markers in my right breast at that time from previous biopsies. It always seemed to be the one that if I ever were to get breast cancer I figured it would be the right that I could blame, lol. Well 2 years ago I did all the norm per me. Mammogram, followed my more imaging, followed by ultrasound. This time though my doc didn’t like what she saw in my left breast, and a normal biopsy wasn’t going to cut it (play on words) so this was my first surgery to go in to take a sample of my breast tissue. She took a lot out too.
The wait was grueling to say the least, and of course I got a hematoma that was very painful in the healing process. She called my husband and I in, and shared with us all the images. Her bedside manner far from appealing. She says “I see nothing to worry about, and you’re going to have these same healthy breasts until your 80. So deal with it.” I think she thought she was humorous, I did not find her funny in the slightest. She was rude, and a little quick to pass judgment on something I myself knew too much about.
So proof came in that of my next mammogram. After all the normal more imaging, ultrasound, and all the fun stuff, I was encouraged to see a high risk breast cancer specialty clinic. I went in, and she took all my history of my breast health, and gave me a marker for my so called risk of breast cancer in my lifetime. Which was higher, and she recommended me taking Tamoxifen. No breast exam. Which I actually had some concerns. So I call up, and we go do the usual. First she says they feel like simple cysts. Let’s send you in to get one drained so it is not so painful anymore. They don’t associate pain with breast cancer. They always say breast cancer is not painful, and I had pain! So proactive I had to become!
So here we are to this year now in February. Simple cysts is what I was there for. I am in the waiting room after my mammogram for a lot longer than usual. I am getting agitated when I see all the smily ladies coming, and going. They call me back for more imaging, and ultrasound. Then they tell me their radiologist would like to speak with me. I immediately asked them to get my husband.
So there it was we were leaving with papers to have 3 biopsies in one wham bam thank you mam breast sampling party. Bring out the streamers! We were in shock, and this was all in my left breast. My right seemed to leave me alone these last two times.
So I get the call, and I am asked to come in to go over the results. Of course I take my husband for moral support. I had Lobular Carcinoma in my left breast. My right breast as well had indications of some precancerous dispositions. It was rather simple it was time for a double mastectomy. I had had enough biopsies, and been poked and prodded a lot. This was all at the beginning of Covid too. I had just accepted a job at place I had wanted to get in with for quite sometime. All the onboarding paper work was done. Orientation was set. I had to call, and back out of that. That was quite a bummer for me.
I didn’t have a lot of time to process all of what was happening. My first surgery was the sentinel lymph node biopsy to see if the cancer had spread. Thank God it had not. By this point I had already met with my oncologist, plastic surgeon, and all docs needed to do my double mastectomy, and the beginning of a partial reconstruction on April 14th. Hard to believe, as here we are in October. The recovery process is hard. I had 8 drain tubes. My husband was my at home care, and nurse. He was a God send.
I am not wanting to write a book here, just tell you the utmost importance of early detection. I still have one more surgery scheduled for November 9th. So when that doc said I had healthy breasts, and accept that I will have them until I was 80 she was very wrong. I don’t have my breasts anymore. Praise God the cancer did not spread. Covid would not have been my timing for all of this. Apparently it was God’s. My life is His, and I trust my life to Him 100%.
So please take your breast health serious. Breast cancer does not discriminate. I saw many men coming, and going when I was at my mammogram appointments.
Early detection does save lives, and being proactive can be the matter of life and death. It was in my case. God bless, and go get your breasts checked if you have not or are hesitant. It may be your difference of life, and death today!
For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.Romans 14:8
This was one of my firsts times out after my 6 weeks of in home recovery. I am very pale in color, around my neck holds a bag that held my drain tubes. They had to be drained every 4 hours! My husband is a rockstar! God so blessed us with a huge support system!
My arms raised high to the sky 5 months post double mastectomy, how great the Father’s love for me!
The countless ways I could say God’s love for us is never changing, nothing will be able to seperate us from the love of God
There is no greater love known to man, we can try hard to mimic it but really as humans that is quite a strecth. It is equlivalant of no equation that the human brain can comprehend
The beauty of simplicity brings me down to my knees. I will praise you all eternity. And Lord I love you. Because you first loved me, the switch in my heart has been set to on
Your love oh Lord is consistent, you are the alpha, and the omega. You are fixed in the ways you love your children
Your love is magestic in stature and like the mighty mountains, and more vast than any sea, there is no depth of height that it knows
Nailed to a cross, you drank from that bitter cup. Your frail, broken boned body hung, and your blood was poured. You wore all the sin, and the weight of the world upon that cross, so all our sins would be washed away
Your love Lord steadfast all you ask is for all of your children to know that if not now, one day every knee shall bow, every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. You want your gospel shared
May I illumate the light of my Lord, so glaringly bright that it could blind the blind. Making birds scamper, and squirrels run. People point, stop and stare. Look at her set apart, angels singing all around her with harps. Melodic sounds, and my crown so beautifully adorned with jewels of all sorts. For I am the daughter of a great King. As much as he professesses His love for me, I too want all to see, I love him forever
His love is greater than any love known to man which comes with God’s sovereignty. All in all omniscient, an ever lasting love-Unconditional!
Uniformity is rare, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord Romans 8:38-39
Real talk; 🙏🏻 I need to get real here, having a double mastectomy has been much harder emotionally than I ever anticipated. I know validation of being a woman does not come from that of vanity. I just know I did not take the time to grieve what I have lost. My emotional well-being has suffered as of recent. I am trying to live in the now, and am doing my best to practice acceptance. I can’t change what was, or that I know longer have these body parts. I also need to find my validation in God!
I have been very emotionally upset, which means I need to work on a few things personally. Asking for prayer from my dear family/friends. I have one more surgery November 9th. If I had it my way I would not go, but it is not my way. Please in all of this know I know how blessed I am to be cancer free, I just feel at odds with my new body. I was never a fake me makes me type of girl, and here I am getting my tissue expanders taken out for implants. I just wasn’t okay with nothing at all at the age of 46. Just asking for prayer for acceptance, and for my upcoming surgery to go without complication. God bless you all, I needed to get this off my chest (play on words)…🙏🏻💜
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. 2 Thessalonians 3:16
Been going through a lot, my heart still bares threads. Torn some pieces, edges nudged. Just slightly smudged. Didn’t realize the emotional toll my double mastectomy would take on me
This is my plea, my voice rings out to thee God above. Over mountain peaks, and roof tops I shout this for my heart needs your ear. I need willingness to accept, been very down on myself
I am not poor
I am not shabby
Jesus is my caddy
I am not inferior, or low quality
Jesus is superior
I can’t change the status of my life
I have to grieve
I am not less of a woman
I need to be willing to give myself some grace
I am not subpar
I am not second rate
Jesus is written on my hearts slate
I have to get to a place of acceptance of my new body parts. Art in the making is what it seems. Still trying to wrap my mind around these new things. I guess they call them breasts at best. Jesus hear my plea
So when I look in the mirror things are most definitely different, but I am alive. They are doing there best to make me look great. I try with gratitude to not shake my head with disgrace at the odd shape. Wave my old breasts goodbye. Jesus hear my plea
I will rise above yet another test that God has given me, my prayer is that I swim. Not sink. Pain inflicts, but will not be my fall. I call to thee instead with my plea. Disfigured reflections, I fear rejection. No sensation in either one, numb. Bumping into things, and no feeling. Jesus hear my plea
Hey I know I am not too shabby, just another journey to walk. Not just talk. Probably sounds like I have not made up my mind, on how I feel about myself. Trying to convince myself, yes a little. My emotions are a little of track from this new rack I wear. Jesus hear my plea
A new road now unfolds, imperfect yep. God makes up the difference, substandard not with Jesus as my right hand man. For with Him I will stand facing the mirror with acceptance of what stares back at me. Jesus hear my plea
Time to swim, catch my breath. Tread the water I used to sink. Give myself a break, shake this feeling of indifference away from me. Look at my body with a new perception of acceptance. They may be little strange to look at, and sometimes I gasp. Jesus hear my plea
Watch me take flight, as Eagles soar for Jesus I adore through all the tribulations. This will not get under my skin. Sink or Swim. Jesus hear my plea
I choose swim until the very end…He hears my plea
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
Me being a little goofy, trying to catch my breath in the realization of my breasts with absolutely no feeling of sensation, and pain and nerves that strike like lightening. These are things I am trying to accept yet!
I have this picture of what it was like then, and what it is like now. It is a mental note of how great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. How he reached beyond the rubble, the edged shards of glass, and the pool of blood I lie in. Drenched with self pity, and cold. Malice had run deep with each drink I took. Locked in the tiniest nook inside my head. I was dead, I felt nothing
I was a crazed maniac in an alcoholic induced state of incomprehensible demoralization. I had become unrecognizable to the people who knew me best. My own mother who gave birth to me, would have passed me by as just another person she did not have any know of. My kids they did not wish to claim me as their mother, and I don’t blame them. I was an embarrassment to their own identity that they themselves were still trying hard to find at their vulnerable ages. I was a bottom feeder drunk, and had run out of luck
I have this picture of what it was like then, and what it is like now. I had all my body parts in tact, no cancers inside me. Then the day came that all changed. I was a bit in shock, even though at 46 years of age I had been dealing with my breast health since my early 20’s. My husband, and I sat hand in hand trying to understand what was coming our way. There just was no way to prepare for such a thing this as this. I had to have a double mastectomy during Covid-19. I had 8 drain tubes upon waking from this tragic event. I knew God had spared my life, and gave me life once again free from my alcoholic burial. I had 6 plus years of spiritual health, and so much hope. I was a fighter. I had God as my ultimate surgeon in both of these drastic stages in my life. One time doing open heart surgery on me, and cleansing the inside of my heart. The second doing a phenomenal healing on my physical being after my breasts were removed, and the beginning of a partial reconstruction was is place. The cancer had not spread, my lymph node surgery came back clear. How near God was, and I am prodded in these times in my journey of life how great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. I just have to keep on keeping on. There have been highs, and lows in this time after surgery. God has been so faithful to meet me. I can remember trying to hang curtains, something that came so easy for me before my surgery. I just couldn’t do it, I sat on my living room floor sobbing. Really blubbering. My emotions were so out of whack. I was a crack
How great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. I have had so many people come along side me in both stages of my life, as my biggest cheerleaders. I have a huge list of prayer warriors who pray for me daily. I can call upon them when I feel a little under the weather. It is God’s umbrella of protection, when I surrender daily He will do for me what I can’t do for myself. He will help me see the superwoman strength I did not even know I had, to over come anything that comes my way. Their is nothing a drink will not make worse. I am a fighter, and the hope I have today is as indescribable as His love for me is. I have so much to live for even on my worst day. My worst day now is better than best day drunk. I truly stunk, and now the fragrance that comes from me arouses the senses of the finest
I am reminded daily I can never forget where I came from, and how very far God has brought me. How great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. No I am not getting all teary as I write, okay yes maybe a little. I have never had a love such as His! He died for me, that I may have life if I believe. I can’t imagine a day without Him to go to with my EVERYTHING!
Not all can do this post double mastectomy this soon, I am healing phenomenally! Praise God!
Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5
Two days of just being blah, and I could not put my finger on why. I am 4 months Post Double Mastectomy. I have had 2 surgeries, and have 1 more to go. The time has come that it needs to be done. I have to schedule my final surgery.
I pick up the phone, and while dialing the doctor I start sobbing. Welp I didn’t need to put my finger on my funk any longer, I could not wrap my brain around another surgery. I am feeling so phenomenal, and I am back to my norm, and mountain biking a ton. Summer is my favorite season, and I have been living it up.
So here I am crying trying to catch my breath, making my pre-op appointment for my final surgery scheduled for October 7. With this Covid-19 there is so much more detail too. The whole conversation with the nurse I was agitated, my nerves were ruffled so deep. I could not find the peace I know I needed, and need.
So this is where absolute surrender comes in, I have to die to myself completely. I have to find acceptance in the middle of my brain saying I am not ready for another traumatic surgery. I don’t want to be poked, prodded, and manipulated on a cold sterile table. I don’t want my breasts to be fondled.
So I ask my loving Lord to swaddle me in a blanket of his comfort, and love. I ask for Him to give me peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray my God be with me as He is the ultimate surgeon. I give myself to thee, to do with me as thy will. I ask for him to help me wrap my brain around 1 more upheaval of my life. Praying the blah passes, and tears stop trying to trickle out of the corner of my eyes. 1 more surgery, and God it is your will. Help my spirit be lifted, tears be dried, and Lord God be at my right side.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
Summer is officially here in Spokane Washington. The heat index is prepared to reach 102 degrees this week. Summer is my favorite season, there is something to be said for the good ol’ Vitamin C. I feel better upon rising, and sleep better for how active I am.
I wanted to ride this morning before it got to hot that I became delirious. Not to mention dehydrated which is a real worry in these parts of the country. So I loaded up, and went 10 miles. I pushed myself up some pretty good hills. I stopped to grab a couple photos of what makes our city beautiful. We are known for our parks here. So I did it, and now I am home. I will be all the better for it when I turn out my lights tonight. Thanking God I am healthy, and getting stronger with each passing day. Mastectomy recovering is no walk in the park, but hey I will try, and I will ride.
Riverfront Park home of the 1974 World’s ExpoI love my life today!
This is as written for Citysonnet Photo a Day Challenge: Hot
How could I not smicker as I look back on this video taken on my 10.21 mile bike ride? It makes me giddy from deep within. I get goofy on my bike. The child in me comes out. All the sights, and sounds all around skimming by from side to side.
Biking is my all time favorite pass time. I am a little over three and half months post double mastectomy. This by far is the most tragic surgery I have had in my lifetime. So when I got the green light, and all systems go (all restrictions lifted by my surgeon) you can only imagine my delight!
My mind went right to my mountain bike, it is my happy place! I was given life after a devastating diagnosis of breast cancer. God has been so very gracious to me! So I think when my family/friends see these videos I make it is of no surprise. I am so filled with gratitude for how phenomenally well I am healing. Kneeling every morning in praise of His name!
In all this it has caused a renewed appreciation for life, and a new love for the life God has gifted me! Never take a single moment of this life for granted, for none of us ever know the day or hour we may be called home.
“One day at a time”, that is all I have. It all belongs to my loving God. I am not delirious from fever of the heat I ride in, I am just plain goofy (it is hot out there 96 degrees)! Life is too short, I am living my best life today! So goofy I will be, no matter who’s eyes may be on me….
Written for the word-of-the-day-challenge: smicker
The phone rang, and I saw the number as it rang in my hand, okay here it is. “Can I speak with Lisa Boyd please”? I knew I had to be cordial, my character is consistent with that of grace. On this day I admittedly was battling the inward struggle of being poked, prodded, and stripped down to my bare body of awkwardness.
Swallowing back the nightmare of that cold sterile table, I knew all to well I would soon not by my choice be bottoms up. I barely managed a muffled “this is she”. All the nurse spoke on was all in one ear, and out the next. I had been here so many times I could not even count on both hands. I had the nurses script memorized by heart.
So…no deodorant, hairspray/gels, jewelry, makeup, anticoagulants, no shaving my armpits, yadda yadda…
I was just so exasperated by the three for one special I was getting. Three different spots of concern, and three totally specific yet distinct biopsies. Three all in one swell swoop, woo-hoo where does one sing up for these things (with much cynicism)? Good grief, none of this was working well with my heart. I could not play this off with as much mockery as I had wanted. It was eroding me from the inside out.
My attitude was quite disconcerting one of injustice all most. I had a how dare they think they can do this to me mentality. That was when God brought me to a place of not forgetting where I came from, how far He by His grace He had brought me. At this point in my 46 years here on earth I was given the gift of sobriety six and a half years before this new found for me inconvenience. This was a disturbance in every way to what was my life now, it was tragic. It was uncomfortable, and I had no peace. All I felt was a lack of serenity.
It was what is called “life on life’s terms”. I had the ability at this time to have a unified faith in God that He had every part of my story already written. He was the author, and as well the ultimate surgeon. I had the qualifications in this time to pray that God would reveal His very presence to my weary soul. I had an uncanny way of analyzing the tripe out of everything if I was not God conscious. I could not afford at this time to be there, I had to “keep it simple”. I had to have a United front with God, one that took away my instability. I knew the key to my tranquillity was willingness, and with that surrender would follow suit.
And there it was, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.
The day of my appointment had arrived, and so we went. We were hand in hand tightly gripped my husband and I. Praying our way through the whole drive. We arrived at my biopsy appointment before the roosters crow. I undressed down to nothing. I laid down on the cold sterile table allowing the nurses to posture my body in all sorts of cumbersome ways. I didn’t like any of it, and I wished I did not have to be there with one breast hanging through a hole cut in the table. I wished I was not going to be poked, and prodded, and my breast was not going to be manipulated by hands that weren’t my own.
My three for one special that did have risk of infection, and hematoma’s had begun. I could feel the numbing needle, as well the dripping of my own blood as the vacuum was being placed for the first biopsy. I laid as still as one could lay, like a corpse. My heart though was beating to the beat of my makers, I was so alive with the spirit of my loving God. I was at peace.
Hours passed, I was washed, and bandaged up. I was given ice packs, and at home care instructions. I proceeded with a little help to dress. I was wobbly, and painfully walked to the waiting room, where I reached for my husbands hand. We walked out hand in hand tightly gripped. Linked to our God as we now had a grueling wait of the results. Our journey of surrender had only just begun. “One day at time”, we were drawn into God consolidated in our prayers. We were three, a triple braided cord bound by His grace.
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
We were one, yet three with our loving Father we chose to be. Our foundation built high up on the rock of his foundation. He was always faithful to place on dry land. We never had to fear drowning…we had the gift of new life in Him!
Weirds Are Word 