“One of the greatest prisons people live in is the fear of what other people think”. ~Toby Mac
You don’t have to be imprisoned any longer, let God set you free. He will remove all the shackles that hold you captive. Whatever fear you have allow him unlock the door, and walk out a free man today! For it is by His grace we get to live in His mercy! Don’t let the world define you, let God define you. For what profit is there for man to gain the whole world, and lose his soul!
“But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.” Matthew 10:33
DC talk said it best, “What will people think when they hear that I’m a Jesus freak? (It’s the…) What will people do (…freakshow) when they find that it’s true”? Ho ho Ho ho ho-o Ho ho
This morning I am readying myself to see my surgeon, and yes I am very emotionally/physically drained. I cried upon waking which is not my norm. I was quickly reminded of the gift of the breath of life I have. I was reminded how much worse it could be. I was reminded how His mercies are new EVERYmorning. I was reminded that “this too shall pass”. I may have to do this often throughout my day, recognize how great a God I serve. I may be on repeat of hoe He is holding the pen, if I allow Him. How He is in charge, and when I try to take over things just go awry. My heart has the desire for His compass. I know His compass always has my best at heart! It’s art really! Beautiful majestic art! Letting go, and letting Jesus my author my savior hold the pen!
Isaiah 40:31 – But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
7 years, and 4 months ago I fell to my bottom. I doubt anyone ever thought I would make it back up. The rock fell on me, and crushed me. I did rise back up, and with the mercy of God’s forgiveness. I rose with the help of His loving hand. With His grace I soar today! Mine is an ashes to beauty story, and I get to be here to share it today. I chose the little glimpse of hope, and I grabbed onto it with the little strength I could muster. It was then God carried me. Now I am soaring with the Eagles, flying high with God in control of my life.
So yesterday I had my final breast cancer surgery. My husband, and I were overwhelmed by the prayer response we got. I woke to texts, FB private messages all saying we are praying. As well they reassured us how much God had me. Which there was no doubt how very present he was.
I have such a very complicated health background. So when my double mastectomy went off without a hitch I was ecstatic to say the least. I was writing home to mama even though really she lives here, and I am able to call her on the phone. It just sounded sounded better to say that lol (more dramatic). Writing home to mama…😄
We knew the risks, complications, and just about all that goes into breast implants after a double mastectomy. Trust me we double, triple, and quadruple checked our information as well statistics. I am allergic to so many medications, and foods. This is decision was not taken lightly, or without fervent prayer.
My surgeon in all honesty after reading my prior health history told me his anxiety went up even thinking about the double mastectomy let alone putting implants of a foreign nature in my body. He in the end with us, after weighing heavily all options gave his approval. I went all summer with just above my average size breasts before my masectomy for the tissue expanders, which are what stretches my skin for the implants that are now my breasts.
So as I sit here everything at this moment looking back in retrospect everything went better than expected, and God answers prayers! Prayer is so powerful! I did have to have drain tubes that are producing very little blood. They will be taken out the morning of Christmas Eve if they keep producing less than 15 milliliters. Which I am pretty certain they will be.
So far what I see in the mirror I am excited about, I could have never have gone without breasts. The lack of sensation in my breast tissue has been quite enough for me to accept alone.
So now our prayer is for no post surgery infection, and number one on my list is SLEEP. I have the opposite reaction to anesthesia. Which is more common than realized. I have slept 2 1/2 hours since being home at 4 p.m. yesterday. I suffer from insomnia for about the first 3 days the anesthesia messes with my internal sleep clock. Which I am trying to keep my attitude in check since my “hot” wonderful husband was by the grace of God able to take a week off of work in care of me. So I smile when he walks by even though all I wish to do is scream “I need sleep”! I won’t do that though. I am going to try for small catnaps today. Which hasn’t happened yet.
I know the size of my breasts are to me perfect because it is the same cup size I was before they removed them. They are just more full as I am almost 47, and have had two children 24, and 22 years ago. So they just look happier. They may not be super natural, but I have breasts. I am free of breast cancer! I rode my mountain bike all summer with as much ease as you can with expanders that are the same as the implants I have now, but felt like a vice contraption. These implants are so much more natural feeling. The stretching of my skin that is so thin from the removal of my breasts, was very painful. It has all been worth it. This is not the route for every woman as each case is so individual to the woman. It is such a personal, and intimate path. So soon with God on our side this journey will all be in the rear view mirror. God has so done miracles in this body of mine. The surgeon said to my husband “if all my patients had as healthy of tissue as your wife it sure would make my job easier”.
All God none of me, I think not drinking has played a huge roll in that. Sobriety has served so many positive roles in my life. As well All God not me. I am just a willing participant in this journey of my life. Praise God for that. I show up for my life today!
We have meals for over a week, from a meal train my mom started. How very blessed we feel. The hardest part about this is not being able to hug our closet. When my mom came over the night before my surgery, with her soon to be fiancé to bring food. Saying goodbye without a hug was the hardest part. I teared up, and my heart felt sad. It has been too long of this social distancing from those who hold the closest places in our hearts!
So as I am finishing up this post, I am a very sleep deprived, extremely blessed woman. Who knows my creator God was present through this whole journey from diagnosis to now. If there are errors or anything confusing in this post please excuse me, as it is time to try one of those catnaps I am in desperate need of. As well my husband has not once left my side (he is a God send). He too is very emotionally drained. He is already snoring away next to me, hopefully that will be me soon enough. Except I don’t snore. Blessings All. Sorry for the long post..lots in my heart ❤️
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being. (Ephesians 3:14,16)
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “magnet.” Use it any way you’d like. Enjoy!
Magnetic pull! One thing I desire of myself in my life today is to be a light of the Holy Spirit the resides in me. As DC Talks song lyrics state, “What will people think when they hear that I’m a Jesus freak? What will people do when they find that it’s true?”
I am a Jesus Freak today, I love the Lord for he heard my cries! I want everyone to know that God saved me from the depths of the lowest of my own depravity! There is hope that resides in the cross.
So my prayer is that my heart, actions, and words are a magnet of Jesus’s love!
I was stubborn in my own free will. You Lord saying yeild. Running from my helpers hand. He will make me strong in my stance. Giving me another chance. No more doing the same ol’ dance. Surrender
I was stubborn in my own free will, with my hand in His face, “ah Lord come on I so got this.” He was ready to dismantle my world. This one, she may take dynamite to wake her from her sleeping state. Sedated no more. Resonate
Shriveled ruins, my soul lay fractured. Defeated with alcoholic sin. All He wanted was me the prisoner held captive by my own riddled heart. Give up, give in. Stop fighting with Him who just wants to take hold upon your heart, and make you whole. Complete
Disegration at what cost, for my souls loss? Stop running in, and of yourself. The world has nothing worthy especially at the price I was paying. Acceptance
A wandering heart with such strong will. I no longer had to have the desperation of a dying woman. A watchful eye, a comforting hand, a love to take cover in. Grip His hand in mine, plug your ears. This will not hurt, He will detonate the bomb that will blow that cell door right off. Stand back, there may be a few fragments for the cleanup. That will be a breeze, just hand all the broken pieces to Him. He will put you back together again. Resurrection
All the rubble left to barefeet for it is no trouble, no matter how tiny the shards. He will protect you from slivers fester. For now he takes charge. He is the reason. This was in purpose for no more in watch of your wither. Now you will stand upon the crumbled ground. Rebuild with Him as your foundation. More beautiful its creation than ever before. Taller, stronger, unable to penetrate. A full armor of Him, given in wardrobe. Sandals for your feet. Clothed, sheltered, and heart fortified. HIS
Oh, its madness to choose any other road; it is stark madness to think you will get adequate help anywhere in the universe apart from this divine Savior and Lord. ~George W. Truett
Here today, gone tomorrow. In the blink of an eye, 18 years were swept under the mat. Not even a proper goodbye.
18 years of my life in one suitcase, no evidence of me ever belonging to my family. Nor them to me. Vanished from my life, no longer a wife or mom. All was gone
Looking back on all the years the waves we rode, I should have seen the corosion setting in. We were past rusty. Denial eases the sting. Send me on my way, and pretend of my non existence. Does this kind of rejection come with a death certificate? On a plane ready to leave what was my life behind. It changed with the flip of a dime
Word spread fast that you called it abandonment. You played that card well. You were ill. I had to trust that with God in time, He would give me back my rights. All you packed up in a single night. You can’t pack human life. I could feel the dissolution my children were carrying
Loneliness crept, and crawled through every cavern of my body. Like a spider bite, with deathly consequence. Alone! Self pity ready to sit and share its first dinner. Feed upon my soul. It was an all time low. I could not hear their voices, see their faces, or feel them. The little light left was becoming so dim. Lord allow me to feel them. Keep the bulb lit
God I need you to make this wrong right. Evil came, and wreaked havoc all in the still of the night. Those evil mongers were stomping all over shattered images of 18 years. Spitting vile, and having a hay day on our grief. Parading on memories left.Vacating our souls. Make them GO! I hate that suitcase it resembles nothing holy
It seems like a nightmare sometimes still. All this damage. Lord take us all four, and renew us as quickly as night turns to morning. Let glory be seen in this tragic blood fest. Breathe new life, and hope. Heal our soldiers wounds. Break open the cacoon of lies, spill it and make it right
Vanished without a trace, my kids hearts broken for their mom. All in effort for me to seek your face. Grovel to my knees. Jesus I need YOU!! At the cross of Calvary I will stay, sifting/sorting. Tracing all the years lost, in my memory bank I toss about. So much loss, and in it I know I will gain in my pain. It is the Mystery of your will. I will be still
Bring me out of these termoultulous times, and in you I will trace back my heart from the start. Where I said, yes Jesus in you I believe. Pour your grace upon me. Make me whole again. Let the barren fragments, and pools of tears be yours. Fear no more for I know I am not alone, and you are soverign
I get to see one face that makes my heart sing, and you are allowing traces of my life back. The odds were stacked against me, but in you I will always prevail. What was lost in one suitcase, I am gaining in my soul. You can’t pack human life, for in you there are traces of life being reconditioned. I wish this was a figment of my imagination, yet it is as non-fiction as it gets. It is my story, and I will be better one day for every tear shed
2 down 2 to go. You we will all soon behold. Traces…
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Heard you hopped a plane from Florida to Washington, this was it. It hit hard. I actually saw the airport photo of you on Instagram. With a guitar like always as your carry on. What a slam. The papers were served after 3 1/2 years of separation, and 21 years of marriage it would soon ALL be over
No minor children, or assets to split. Just look over the documents, and agree to it, and sign for dissolution of marriage. No happily ever after riding off in horse and carriage
It had been so long since we had seen one another. My heart was ill prepared for this kind of meeting. The encounter of what would finally be our end. My heart was split like a lumber jack standing with an axe in hand right down the middle. A perfect score. Ready to burn, it ached for us and all we had been through
I knew you did not have the means to file. Your papers sat stagnant in the Florida courts for years. The kids even begging for order, and closure. For awhile I was allowing God to still take precedence just for hopes pleasure there was still a chance at salvaging the wreckage. Hope was long gone as was the song played on our wedding day
Pastors teach divorce is worse than death, because there is no finality in it. Your dad was there the pastor himself, and the one who married us. Hearts lay baren, where we once took up rest in one another. What takes a lifetime to build was signed off in that of the matter of minutes with a pen and signature
Here it was the day to appear before the judge. My body was permeated with emotions all over the board. It had been 3 1/2 years since I had even seen you. So little conversation too. Our poor kids my heart could not fake, for God sake this was not how it was supposed to be. Bending to my knees. God prepare me for me this end. Give me poise, don’t allow me to fall apart
So they we were, the same members of our family from the beginning on our wedding day. You walking by a nod of your head, me just in shock. You looked so different. Your mom and dad followed behind. Your dad the only one saying hi. You looked like a rebellious child heeding to your father’s cohearsing. This was a day to mourn a marriage that was born 21 years prior. We were awaiting the death of what God had brought together. We failed our vows, and the cost was great. Sorrow was the hallway we sat in
Our names called the same names still, but soon to be different. As I entered a peace was brought over me. My thoughts so clear, as you were the closest in that chair next to me than we had been in years. I felt so little for you, I did not know you. There was no attachment to you, love for you was not provoked. We had become unequally yoked. How could this be? God was allowing me to let go, set ourselves free
All sworn in and papers looked over, irreconcilable differences. So cut and dry. I proceeded to hand the judge all the documents he needed. Now being signed, date stamped, and completed
The end was in my hand of that of a paper (a paper end). Marriage dissolved, I know longer belonged to him or him to me. We all stood to exit the court room. Never even said goodbye, barely even a glance just went on our way
I was grieved to see celebratory instragam photos that night in that of a wine bottle, and the comments too. This was not a day for celebration. A family torn apart, the Lord cried for our demise that day. Our children’s hearts were broken. Yet you take token
There was no celebration to be had from me, just closure. Knowing it was now time to move on. With God taking over. This was not what he purposed for our family. All in that of a paper. Yet these were not paper hearts, ours all 4 were blood shed. Wounds not sparred. It started with well meaning hearts, all played out
“The End” she cries many tears for the years lost and memories shared
Dissolved, and over. Time to start over
“I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.” —Joel 2:25 (ESV)