No not in your pockets that will not do, words from the old. Flabbergassted this was me…A glimpse into my insanity
Airliner size bottles are easier to hide, they aide in clever. If you consider misdemeanors clever. I hid all sorts of alcohol just about everywhere I could think of, beer too
Airliners slip neatly into the bottom of a shoe, if you have a slew of them no one will be onto you. Boots are even better
They also go quite nicely between the the mattress and box spring, great for the picking once everyone has kicked it for the night
I had managed with certian outfits to conceal them on my person, like anyone is willing to do any lurking
I had a slit in my purse lining barely big enough for these tiny sized swigs to slip right downside of. They lay neatly concealed under my wallet, and the other have to’s. Not a single person ever knew
I hid them in the bathroom among my makeup mess, I must confess I spent a lot of time in the bathroom
Beer cans float well at the top of a toilet bowl, and who ever looks in there unless the flapper becomes an issue, Phew
Poolside was a place I liked to get licked. I hid them in one the community bathrooms under the sink. Way back in a corner, no one ever knew. Use the bathroom, pound one down. 5 left to go. Then blitzed
This was just the normal for me, I thought nothing of it. No big deal. Everything was secret, and hidden. I was a very driven alcoholic, it was always there. I was never without it
I can only imagine my poor liver soaking this in day in and day out. At 5’2″ 108 pounds then. I was drinking myself to death, and darn good at it too
As I write this it makes me sad that I was this deceiving, I believe I had really nobody fooled. I just sat and wallowed in petty resentments. In realtity I was fooling only myself, I was a creep. I was in deep
I filled up a plastic water bottle with a wine of choice thinking everybody would think it was some sort flavored fruit drink, I carried it with me as I shopped. It was always fully loaded and in tow. With me everywhere I would go
I took alcohol to work in a traveler mug, smuggling in booze is a great way to get you fired, it happened a couple times. Oh yes the day I got my D.U.I. Make it worse get fired, sob and despair. Sit in your car with drink after drink, then see how you drive. Right into a buff Increbile Hulk size police officers cuffs, and off to the county jail. $1,000 bail
I still for sometime never looked the part. Looks can be deceiving. That I was. Always dressed to impress, and well schooled. For a moment I could pass myself off as able. Then I would start the job get “my desk” and my booze would dribble from the table
I was not able. Why do they call it a functioning alcoholic? Usually every one knows. What just because I could drink everybody under the table taking in copias amounts of alcohol without an ounce of sickness or headache
I was not able. Just because I got up, and drove myself to work? Usually with a drink in the middle console easing my anxieties the whole route there. I just did not care, or did I? I was loosing myself
I was lost in an alcoholic insanity. Using alcohol as a bandage for my conflicted heart. Albert Einstein said it best; “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
So I became a professional at something yet, how proud where was my reward? Blue ribbon hangining or a trophy please, “Insanity Professor”. In less time then it takes to get an AA degree
It has been 7 years and 2 months of sober! Wow!! 7 years since I realized I was powerless over alcohol. Gave up alcohol in exchange for my life eternal. My life in Jesus!! I carry Him around everywhere I go. He is with me to guard my heart, he takes up permanent residence. I am fully armored against the evil of this world. I know all to well what it is to be of world. Now I am just in it. As it is written to be. God is my keeper, and has reigns on me. I was convicted greatly by my lack of self control. No more for that is a life that has been said good ridden to, and forgiven.
Can you believe the madness I endured! How absurd! It almost seems harder to be alcoholic, with its trickery and hiding. Thank you Lord for now my abiding is in you!!
Airliners are for travel to and from a city or county, travel mugs hold my morning coffee, and plastic water bottles are my most prized possesion as I drink a ton of water. I don’t touch a toilet bowl unless it is a must to be attended too. My purse is in tact. I keep my Eli-Pen in there, and most know it can be gone through. I show for work free without slurring my speech, and with that get to keep my job.
Now here, for all this we can celebrate. Blue ribbon no need, eternal life is my now fated prize!!
I exchanged insanity for sanity for a life eternal with Jesus!
27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. John 10:27-28
I admit yesterday I was bit testy after my pre-op surgery appointment.
I admit it seemed like I had a million papers to sign on Covid alone (so exaggeratory) but hey this is my story.
I admit I was saddened when my doctor said my mom can’t care for me after surgery since she works at the biggest hospital in our town. She would have had to self quarantine for 2 weeks prior. So whatever.
I admit I don’t really have a so whatever attitude I am just overwhelmed by all that was said. Covid has changed everything about this surgery.
I admit I need to get on my knees, and pray for God to take the anxiety as well agitation I am feeling at this moment. I need to give it all to Him.
I admit I am so far from perfect, and my attitude has been far from desirable.
I admit I need to pray for God to give me unshakeable faith. One that does not even flinch at the slightest discomfort. He will furnish the quiet place for my soul with all the furniture of faith. I need all the help I can get I admit.
I elect right now to be removed from the unrest of my soul. Beholding God’s calmness in my impatience, God’s patience in my limitations, God’s perfection. This is my election to be free of self, and allow the spirt to work within.
I admit I am of a human, with a spirit that needs attuned to my Heavenly Father today! I admit I have been afraid. I am ready for this breast cancer journey to be over. When really it is not up to me, so my plea get myself out of the way of His will for all of this today!
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13
My day will be spent away from WP today. I have my pre-surgery appointment today, for what prayerfully should be my last breast cancer surgery.
I will have a mandatory Covid test, and some other blood work too. As much as I would rather stay home, and stay warm this is necessary. So Lord willing everything will go as expected.
As well the day of our move the temperature is dropping drastically to a whopping 33 degrees, with the possibility of snow Friday. So crazy I grew up here, and this will be the first in many years to get snow before Halloween.
So lots to turn over in prayer today. God has us, and always has our best at heart. I am trusting on November 9th, my surgery will go without any complications. For God is the ultimate surgeon. We have been on a very long breast cancer road, and I am ready for this to be the end! 🙏🏻
God bless! Prayers would be greatly appreciated and coveted!
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lordyour God is with you wherever you go.”Joshua 1:9
You are not in want of me only when my heart is riddled with confliction
You are not in want of me only with the countless times my soul is not at peace, and I find no rest
You are in want of me for songs of praise from the most trivial of a moment to the most agonizing of breaths, you want ALL of me
You are in want of ALL of me lifting my hands in awe, and thanksgiving for even if when my lot is not what I thought or had hoped it to be, sing
You are in want of ALL of me, death to my own self that I can be filled with you, and then you can pour yourself in me
You are in want of ALL of me being child like in my prayer, bringing forth things I would not think you care of
You are in want of ALL of me understanding that I am not of my own, you are my dwelling place. Seeking your face
You are not in want of just a partial cup of me, you want my cup to overflow with YOU…filled to the brim. Seeping from its essence YOU!
I am reminded of this today, as I step out in faith praying for a family member with mental illness (with no hope for life), friends with Covid, mine and my husband’s soon move, my surgery fast approaching, and the weather so cold I kind of loathe. I get to bring it all to you, lay it down at your feet. Find rest at the cross, get lost in your presence! Prayer, it takes me to the throne room with you
Lord take ALL of me!!
Psalm 73:6 My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever
I was plucked from the decomposing garden that was my life, it was all over grown a wretched perception. It needed pruned, and somehow from ruins and decomposition God heard my cries, banshees moan
The gate was rusty, and the weeds so many they intertwined toppling me with every step. Scathed from the thicket. My body bruised, battered, and scorned. The gate began to screech open. Jesus was my ticket out
I had been prisoner of this unkempt land for years. It was all I knew. I just assumed it was my lot for life. I even chose my burial spot within. I lived within the decay, and rot. My memory forgot of any other way of life
Just upon the gardens gate was life. It was colorful, delightful, and free. I was scared I did not belong there. As my hue was lacking for any color. A corpse walking among the dead. I was unkempt, and a dreadful sight
Yet the garden gate remained open calling me into the light. Wanting me to get out of the tall grasses that held me captive blocking my view. Poison Ivy was taking over, it was now or never. My endeavor was to make it through the gate. Even if I crawled, focusing on the tree of life. It sat just on the other side. It was giving me strength to leave
Scared to death. I wriggled my body through the posiness plants. My flesh wanted badly to stay. I knew no other way to live. The dark was what my eyes had become accustomed too. The light was blinding
There He was taller than the grass surrounding me (Jesus). He came through with wrath, and a gardeners hoe. He illumated the garden. Snakes slithered and hid. Toxic plants began to wither. As I kept inching toward He was clearing my path. It was my Lord and Savior. He came for me
My cries were heard, and understood. He translated every sob. He then picked me up from the dirt filled floor, and carried me the rest of the way through the gate. Sat me in front of the tree, and shut the door tight. He then sealed it for no entry. I was plucked from the decomposing garden that was my life. Sat underneath the tree of life, grace dripped like sap into my lap. Napped there for sleep so needed was real
Upon waking I looked up, and He gently kneeled wiping the tears from my eyes. My vision was clear. Just then a deer was a passer by panting for the water close. So my soul too, longed for that same water, and I could cup into my hands as much as I wanted to. In an instant I was made clean, I gave all my shame to Him. He cleansed me from within.
I was filled with color, and was motioned to go drink from the living water until I got my fill. This was my life being created brand new. For He rescued me, heeded my pleas. He had the keys to unlock my imprisonment. Unkempt I did not stay, free to be in Jesus I was plucked from the decomposing garden that was my life
Then I was a walking sinfilled creature. No nurture needed I got this. See right here, as I grip tightly and blanket my beer
Then I was even known for sassy, Crass with each glass
Yes saucy too, when I would get sauced I was shameless in that bottle, no throttle
Then I was vulgar I can only imagine the things that came out of my mouth were nothing to boast about, toasted was not a good look on me
Then I was loud, and sure fire shifting moods with each drink of my freshly yearn, wanted so badly to fill the burn
Then I was immodest as all my inhibition got tossed away, my mirror image nothing of the same. My flesh stared back at me, I was of the world. Swirling in drunken misdemeanor behavior
Then! Take notice of (then past tense). These are all past tense as my heart has been reconstructed upon the cross, all my sin was lost. Taken, and healed when I kneeled for forgiveness
I exchanged sassy for love, joy, and peace which came from God above. These attributes walk with me daily
Saucy was so long. Forbearance, kindness, and goodness set in. From my next of kin to a complete stranger. Rendering a gentle demeanor
Faithfulness, and gentleness left vulgar on the roadside hitching another ride. For my faith is strong, and mouth washed clean
Self controlled the one the Lord said hello if you grab onto this, all the others will line up. Immodest you can not be. For there is beauty in modesty
All these are the 9 fruits of the spirit. The greatest of attributes according to the Apostle Paul. Oh how beauty is adorned with each one. I did not stall in applying them all
Holy Spirit fall fresh on me, make my eyes and heart heed to all of these. For brassy is not something I ever again wish to take title to. I bid you adieu with His grace and mercy. A sure fire way to stay one with him
If need be I will take compartment in the Produce Department. Taking up pleasure in all the delectable fruits. Each one bursting in flavor, until I too can mimic all 9 fruits of the spirit. Bursting from within…
Brassy is not classy in the eyes of the Lord!
Galations 5:22:23-22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against suchthings there is no law.
Down the stairs I went with the last of my life in my hands, closing the door to ME. Everything ME was behind those doors. My heart felt bent, mangled, and distorted. I was completely spent
Laughter in the early morning as my kids would race for television dibs. The sibling rivalry I would not hear. Having to lead them into their homeschool work, with a perky smile. All this now was lingering miles behind me. As the car wheels drew further from my family that made me, ME. Without them I had no exsistence
What was next I did not know. I just knew this was the most pain I had ever felt. These cards dealt were not a hand I wished to play. Sorrow rained upon my day. Lord where will I go, how will I be carried through
I stayed with different families within my church. Different beds, so much hurt. I was distant, and talked little. Reminded that this too could not last
So few friends, and my only family just closed the door behind me. With phone in hand I had to call my mom in Washington. It was time to go home to my roots
Soot I declared, cremation my heart is mere ashes. I did not want to live I cried. I already felt dead inside. My mom knew the distress in my voice, as I wept. Barely breathing between my sobs. The cob webs, and skeletal remains were enough to do anyone in
The wheels in my head were a constant replay of my kids voices. Longing to see, touch, and feel their presence. Merciless trampling my brain to no end. My kids, they were my kids, how could he do this
All I could do as I had zero resources was get on a plane bound northwest. That really felt like a slam in the chest. How does a mom leave all she is behind. Oh this life is so unkind. God will you not spare me from this reality? Go back, and change all to a minor technicality
In all honesty there was nothing left. I could not go back. I gave into the devil and could not elude him. In fact earlier that week in an inebriated state, I waded into a pool put my hands up in the air. Just did not care, and began to float under water. Waiting for my body to have no breath. There was nothing left. My vision Ebenezer. Feeling God was a rouge
All I remember is standing in a shower, wondering why I was still with life. Yelling at people who saved me to leave me be, let me loathe in self pity. My world crashing in around me, God could not grab me. Curled in a corner of the tub in my bathing suit, head so low. Fresh cut wounds staining me red. I wanted to be dead
All that was left for me to do was get on a plane in save of my life. What little life I had. So on a wing, and a prayer. Yet the prayer was not there. Not yet! Just jet fuel, and distemper. Waiting to detonate
With luggage in tow, and all the baggage my heart now carried it was quite a load. Turmoil surrounded me, and the devil gloated. I was half loaded upon flight. Not sure where I left God, feeling the rod he did not keep. Maybe in the car as we drove off with my all ME, my life in the rear view mirror. On a plane now leaving all of ME behind, bound for who knew where. God was making way to do a number on me YET!
2 Corinthians 1:1 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.
He delivered from all that made me spiritually ill, well
He delivered me from selfishness, selflessness
He delivered me from hopelessness, hope
He delivered me from an attitude of ungratefulness, gratitude
He delivered me from self loathing/pity, compassion
Jesus delivered me, and I no longer hide. I come to Him in a daily reprieve on bended knee with a new song in my heart. I have strength in lift of my hands, and I have a voice today. I can sing. No one can muffle my mouth, booze is not out for strangulation of my self. Praises humming. I get to chose. I chose life. I am delivered free of all the chains, my own self demise. I am His prize.
Jesus delivered me clean, and I am able to look that mirror straight in the glass I see a graceful lady. Nothing shady. The mirror glistens, I am not breathing broken glass. Waiting for the world to pass. Amazed at my eyes for they are the color green. In gaze at my face that should look so much older, and colder. For all the years of running with hate. Fate, yes He delivered me. I gave my life to Him in trade of my own imprisonment.
Jesus delivered me free. My death sentence was appealed at the cross. Crematorium papers misplaced. Declared she is no longer a danger, deranged, or estranged. Jesus declared me legally sane, and my life was singed of on. He paid the penalty on the cross, for how far I was lost. I owed a debt I could not pay, he paid a debt He did not owe. You reap what you sow. It was time for me to get up, go, and grow. I was free. Humming Praises long over do.
He delivered me
Fernando Ortega said it best in “Give me Jesus” https://youtu.be/9rZ8k9m2hwo this song was sung was sung at Ruth Bell Graham’s memorial. Fernando is a beautiful soul, I had the honor of meeting him when he played at our church many years ago. Being once married to a P.K.’s kid comes with some cool perks. This song for me says it all!
Ladies, and gentlemen this is of the utmost importance. This month is breast cancer awareness month!
Since my early 20’s I have had breast health problems. I have never had the pleasure of a mammogram coming back normal. I was the girl, that was asked to stay for more imaging followed by ultrasound imaging. Then I would get the call to schedule a biopsy, and sometimes in multiples.
The yearly process for me was more than draining. I had a few infections from just a core needle biopsy, just making it all the more fun. Woman in general aren’t supposed to necessarily get annual checkups until the age of 40. I have very dense breasts which make me a higher risk for breast cancer. So mine was every year from 24 years old on.
Fast forward to 2 years ago today. October 5, 2018 I had several titanium markers in my right breast at that time from previous biopsies. It always seemed to be the one that if I ever were to get breast cancer I figured it would be the right that I could blame, lol. Well 2 years ago I did all the norm per me. Mammogram, followed my more imaging, followed by ultrasound. This time though my doc didn’t like what she saw in my left breast, and a normal biopsy wasn’t going to cut it (play on words) so this was my first surgery to go in to take a sample of my breast tissue. She took a lot out too.
The wait was grueling to say the least, and of course I got a hematoma that was very painful in the healing process. She called my husband and I in, and shared with us all the images. Her bedside manner far from appealing. She says “I see nothing to worry about, and you’re going to have these same healthy breasts until your 80. So deal with it.” I think she thought she was humorous, I did not find her funny in the slightest. She was rude, and a little quick to pass judgment on something I myself knew too much about.
So proof came in that of my next mammogram. After all the normal more imaging, ultrasound, and all the fun stuff, I was encouraged to see a high risk breast cancer specialty clinic. I went in, and she took all my history of my breast health, and gave me a marker for my so called risk of breast cancer in my lifetime. Which was higher, and she recommended me taking Tamoxifen. No breast exam. Which I actually had some concerns. So I call up, and we go do the usual. First she says they feel like simple cysts. Let’s send you in to get one drained so it is not so painful anymore. They don’t associate pain with breast cancer. They always say breast cancer is not painful, and I had pain! So proactive I had to become!
So here we are to this year now in February. Simple cysts is what I was there for. I am in the waiting room after my mammogram for a lot longer than usual. I am getting agitated when I see all the smily ladies coming, and going. They call me back for more imaging, and ultrasound. Then they tell me their radiologist would like to speak with me. I immediately asked them to get my husband.
So there it was we were leaving with papers to have 3 biopsies in one wham bam thank you mam breast sampling party. Bring out the streamers! We were in shock, and this was all in my left breast. My right seemed to leave me alone these last two times.
So I get the call, and I am asked to come in to go over the results. Of course I take my husband for moral support. I had Lobular Carcinoma in my left breast. My right breast as well had indications of some precancerous dispositions. It was rather simple it was time for a double mastectomy. I had had enough biopsies, and been poked and prodded a lot. This was all at the beginning of Covid too. I had just accepted a job at place I had wanted to get in with for quite sometime. All the onboarding paper work was done. Orientation was set. I had to call, and back out of that. That was quite a bummer for me.
I didn’t have a lot of time to process all of what was happening. My first surgery was the sentinel lymph node biopsy to see if the cancer had spread. Thank God it had not. By this point I had already met with my oncologist, plastic surgeon, and all docs needed to do my double mastectomy, and the beginning of a partial reconstruction on April 14th. Hard to believe, as here we are in October. The recovery process is hard. I had 8 drain tubes. My husband was my at home care, and nurse. He was a God send.
I am not wanting to write a book here, just tell you the utmost importance of early detection. I still have one more surgery scheduled for November 9th. So when that doc said I had healthy breasts, and accept that I will have them until I was 80 she was very wrong. I don’t have my breasts anymore. Praise God the cancer did not spread. Covid would not have been my timing for all of this. Apparently it was God’s. My life is His, and I trust my life to Him 100%.
So please take your breast health serious. Breast cancer does not discriminate. I saw many men coming, and going when I was at my mammogram appointments.
Early detection does save lives, and being proactive can be the matter of life and death. It was in my case. God bless, and go get your breasts checked if you have not or are hesitant. It may be your difference of life, and death today!
For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.Romans 14:8