Posted in Writings from my heart

It is 12:36 p.m., and it feels like midnight. I am beyond exhausted. Home from my surgery…

So yesterday I had my final breast cancer surgery. My husband, and I were overwhelmed by the prayer response we got. I woke to texts, FB private messages all saying we are praying. As well they reassured us how much God had me. Which there was no doubt how very present he was.

I have such a very complicated health background. So when my double mastectomy went off without a hitch I was ecstatic to say the least. I was writing home to mama even though really she lives here, and I am able to call her on the phone. It just sounded sounded better to say that lol (more dramatic). Writing home to mama…😄

We knew the risks, complications, and just about all that goes into breast implants after a double mastectomy. Trust me we double, triple, and quadruple checked our information as well statistics. I am allergic to so many medications, and foods. This is decision was not taken lightly, or without fervent prayer.

My surgeon in all honesty after reading my prior health history told me his anxiety went up even thinking about the double mastectomy let alone putting implants of a foreign nature in my body. He in the end with us, after weighing heavily all options gave his approval. I went all summer with just above my average size breasts before my masectomy for the tissue expanders, which are what stretches my skin for the implants that are now my breasts.

So as I sit here everything at this moment looking back in retrospect everything went better than expected, and God answers prayers! Prayer is so powerful! I did have to have drain tubes that are producing very little blood. They will be taken out the morning of Christmas Eve if they keep producing less than 15 milliliters. Which I am pretty certain they will be.

So far what I see in the mirror I am excited about, I could have never have gone without breasts. The lack of sensation in my breast tissue has been quite enough for me to accept alone.

So now our prayer is for no post surgery infection, and number one on my list is SLEEP. I have the opposite reaction to anesthesia. Which is more common than realized. I have slept 2 1/2 hours since being home at 4 p.m. yesterday. I suffer from insomnia for about the first 3 days the anesthesia messes with my internal sleep clock. Which I am trying to keep my attitude in check since my “hot” wonderful husband was by the grace of God able to take a week off of work in care of me. So I smile when he walks by even though all I wish to do is scream “I need sleep”! I won’t do that though. I am going to try for small catnaps today. Which hasn’t happened yet.

I know the size of my breasts are to me perfect because it is the same cup size I was before they removed them. They are just more full as I am almost 47, and have had two children 24, and 22 years ago. So they just look happier. They may not be super natural, but I have breasts. I am free of breast cancer! I rode my mountain bike all summer with as much ease as you can with expanders that are the same as the implants I have now, but felt like a vice contraption. These implants are so much more natural feeling. The stretching of my skin that is so thin from the removal of my breasts, was very painful. It has all been worth it. This is not the route for every woman as each case is so individual to the woman. It is such a personal, and intimate path. So soon with God on our side this journey will all be in the rear view mirror. God has so done miracles in this body of mine. The surgeon said to my husband “if all my patients had as healthy of tissue as your wife it sure would make my job easier”.

All God none of me, I think not drinking has played a huge roll in that. Sobriety has served so many positive roles in my life. As well All God not me. I am just a willing participant in this journey of my life. Praise God for that. I show up for my life today!

We have meals for over a week, from a meal train my mom started. How very blessed we feel. The hardest part about this is not being able to hug our closet. When my mom came over the night before my surgery, with her soon to be fiancé to bring food. Saying goodbye without a hug was the hardest part. I teared up, and my heart felt sad. It has been too long of this social distancing from those who hold the closest places in our hearts!

So as I am finishing up this post, I am a very sleep deprived, extremely blessed woman. Who knows my creator God was present through this whole journey from diagnosis to now. If there are errors or anything confusing in this post please excuse me, as it is time to try one of those catnaps I am in desperate need of. As well my husband has not once left my side (he is a God send). He too is very emotionally drained. He is already snoring away next to me, hopefully that will be me soon enough. Except I don’t snore. Blessings All. Sorry for the long post..lots in my heart ❤️

Miss this the most!

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being. (Ephesians 3:14,16)

Posted in Writings from my heart

The harpist playing upon my heart strings

15 minutes until my tele-med appointment with my breast surgeon. Bruised on my sides, tissue expander flipped, and swelling quite a bit. Sleep I desperately need, Lord please calm my anxious heart…

My head whirly about with so much thought, I almost feel sick at the stomach. Stop that, oh it is you Lord speaking to my heart. Nudging me, pulling me in your direction. Whispers softly the Holy Spirit, so keen to know me. Look up

Oh yes God I believe you have called me out, it is worry. Yes Lord I read your word daily, write about how faithful a God I serve. Yet here I sit squirmisly anxiety ridden. Nail biting me, no. Frivolously doing the what ifs, yes. Yes Lord you want ALL of me. I am holding back a few strands of my heart strings. I hear the harpist pluking, and the melody missing the keys. Flat as can be. Yes Lord this is me. You know me oh so well

My heart feels heavy laden. Like a raven wanting to take flight. Yet here I sit in recognition of it. So Lord I give you ALL the strands of ALL my heart strings, my life! I yield it ALL to you. I hold nothing, empty I sit. All the walls are down. Send the angelic harpist back, let her melodic music pronounce I am in tune with you. Maybe a lullaby to pass the time of my mundane mind 

As I bow my head to pray, and give you ALL holding nothing back. Laying prostate at the cross where my veil is lost. You uncovered me yet again, the sober Lisa can’t escape the clarity I find in the harpists rhythmic sounds. When it is out of key I know it, and it is ALL I can do to get on my face in seek of thee

Lord rid me of ALL this anxiety and worry. Help me to entrust everything to you. Allow the music heard to be the same as I speak from my mouth, and mesh with my heart. Thank you for knowing, and loving me so much to gently melt your truth upon my heart

Okay harpist let’s hear it now, play until you’re all played out. Then the pianist can sit in for you, and carry on with the same tune…

Play loudly upon my heart in unison we can sing, Praises to thee

6 Do not be anxious about anything,(A) but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.(B) 7 And the peace of God,(C) which transcends all understanding,(D) will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Acceptance with God’s help is the answer to ALL my problems today…

This move for me took a lot out of me, more than I ever imagined. I thought I kind of had this whole double mastectomy thing licked. 6 weeks after my surgery I was walking daily, and soon that went into mountain biking. A lot of mountain biking too!

Well mountain biking is one stretch of the upper body, and a whole lot of lower body strength. With this move my body has experienced so much push back. My body is not used to the stretching, bending, pulling, and lifting that comes with unpacking a home full of boxes.

This week I have experienced 3 major emotional breakdowns. My body does not want to cooperate with what my brain wants to accomplish. So this leaves me with acceptance. I have got to accept the limitations of my body. I am not one to easily ask for help. This week though I had no choice, but to pick up my phone. I needed to talk about my emotional state because I can’t afford to be stuck for too long where I have been. Right now I am just in the mud, if I don’t lean into God with acceptance soon enough I will find myself in quicksand. Sinking in self pity, and letting my ego get the best of me. Humility is a must for me!

It is amazing at how having a spiritual connection with my Lord, and savior as well a recovery program keeps me touch with my character defects. I can see when I am missing the mark. I am gifted the tools today to not have to stay where I have been. I just got to get my tool box out, and get the tool needed for this difficult time. I need the serenity prayer, and God to help me understand who I am now after my double mastectomy. As well the no sensation in my breasts has really hit me hard.

So I was kind of smacked up side the head with a major reality that I am not as well of as I thought I was. I do though know with my loving God, AA program, and all the support of my family I can get there. My husband is a God send!

I will always be amazed at how God is so faithful to meet us right where we are. We can be at the highest point of joy, or the lowest point of grief that comes with much weariness, and He is there. He is sovereign, and He loves me unconditionally. So there it is I have had a heck of a week with some major choking gut wrenching tears, and whacky thoughts. I am far from perfect, and I have felt a little crazy with my emotional upsets. Though everyone has reassured me that it okay to fall to pieces, as long as I don’t stay in pieces. So my prayer is God will grant me acceptance!

I am far from the superhuman I was wanting to be, and pushing myself to be. As well as the lack of sensation in my breasts makes me no less the woman than I was. I am a child of God! My value is not in, and of this world. My value rests in the eternal world of my Lord! Praise God for that! I am always amazed at His faithfulness to His children! So blessed to be one of His, and in His family today!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/11/05/amazed/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

The beauty in simplicity of God’s love for you, and me

My arms raised high to the sky 5 months post double mastectomy, how great the Father’s love for me!

The countless ways I could say God’s love for us is never changing, nothing will be able to seperate us from the love of God

There is no greater love known to man, we can try hard to mimic it but really as humans that is quite a strecth. It is equlivalant of no equation that the human brain can comprehend

The beauty of simplicity brings me down to my knees. I will praise you all eternity. And Lord I love you. Because you first loved me, the switch in my heart has been set to on

Your love oh Lord is consistent, you are the alpha, and the omega. You are fixed in the ways you love your children

Your love is magestic in stature and like the mighty mountains, and more vast than any sea, there is no depth of height that it knows

Nailed to a cross, you drank from that bitter cup. Your frail, broken boned body hung, and your blood was poured. You wore all the sin, and the weight of the world upon that cross, so all our sins would be washed away 

Your love Lord steadfast all you ask is for all of your children to know that if not now, one day every knee shall bow, every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. You want your gospel shared

May I illumate the light of my Lord, so glaringly bright that it could blind the blind. Making birds scamper, and squirrels run. People point, stop and stare. Look at her set apart, angels singing all around her with harps. Melodic sounds, and my crown so beautifully adorned with jewels of all sorts. For I am the daughter of a great King. As much as he professesses His love for me, I too want all to see, I love him forever 

His love is greater than any love known to man which comes with God’s sovereignty. All in all omniscient, an ever lasting love-Unconditional! 

Uniformity is rare, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord Romans 8:38-39

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/03/10/2020/switch

Posted in Writings from my heart

Getting a little real

Real talk; 🙏🏻
I need to get real here, having a double mastectomy has been much harder emotionally than I ever anticipated. I know validation of being a woman does not come from that of vanity. I just know I did not take the time to grieve what I have lost. My emotional well-being has suffered as of recent. I am trying to live in the now, and am doing my best to practice acceptance. I can’t change what was, or that I know longer have these body parts. I also need to find my validation in God!

I have been very emotionally upset, which means I need to work on a few things personally. Asking for prayer from my dear family/friends. I have one more surgery November 9th. If I had it my way I would not go, but it is not my way. Please in all of this know I know how blessed I am to be cancer free, I just feel at odds with my new body. I was never a fake me makes me type of girl, and here I am getting my tissue expanders taken out for implants. I just wasn’t okay with nothing at all at the age of 46. Just asking for prayer for acceptance, and for my upcoming surgery to go without complication. God bless you all, I needed to get this off my chest (play on words)…🙏🏻💜

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.
2 Thessalonians 3:16
Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

I choose to swim…

Been going through a lot, my heart still bares threads. Torn some pieces, edges nudged. Just slightly smudged. Didn’t realize the emotional toll my double mastectomy would take on me

This is my plea, my voice rings out to thee God above. Over mountain peaks, and roof tops I shout this for my heart needs your ear. I need willingness to accept, been very down on myself

I am not poor

I am not shabby

Jesus is my caddy

I am not inferior, or low quality

Jesus is superior

I can’t change the status of my life

I have to grieve

I am not less of a woman

I need to be willing to give myself some grace

I am not subpar

I am not second rate

Jesus is written on my hearts slate

I have to get to a place of acceptance of my new body parts. Art in the making is what it seems. Still trying to wrap my mind around these new things. I guess they call them breasts at best. Jesus hear my plea

So when I look in the mirror things are most definitely different, but I am alive. They are doing there best to make me look great. I try with gratitude to not shake my head with disgrace at the odd shape. Wave my old breasts goodbye. Jesus hear my plea

I will rise above yet another test that God has given me, my prayer is that I swim. Not sink. Pain inflicts, but will not be my fall. I call to thee instead with my plea. Disfigured reflections, I fear rejection. No sensation in either one, numb. Bumping into things, and no feeling. Jesus hear my plea

Hey I know I am not too shabby, just another journey to walk. Not just talk. Probably sounds like I have not made up my mind, on how I feel about myself. Trying to convince myself, yes a little. My emotions are a little of track from this new rack I wear. Jesus hear my plea

A new road now unfolds, imperfect yep. God makes up the difference, substandard not with Jesus as my right hand man. For with Him I will stand facing the mirror with acceptance of what stares back at me. Jesus hear my plea

Time to swim, catch my breath. Tread the water I used to sink. Give myself a break, shake this feeling of indifference away from me. Look at my body with a new perception of acceptance. They may be little strange to look at, and sometimes I gasp. Jesus hear my plea

Watch me take flight, as Eagles soar for Jesus I adore through all the tribulations. This will not get under my skin. Sink or Swim. Jesus hear my plea

I choose swim until the very end…He hears my plea

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Me being a little goofy, trying to catch my breath in the realization of my breasts with absolutely no feeling of sensation, and pain and nerves that strike like lightening. These are things I am trying to accept yet!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/24/20/wave