It’s okay to not always be okay. It doesn’t mean I’m not grateful it means I’m struggling. It doesn’t mean I don’t pray because I do. It just means I’m not okay for today. Maybe tomorrow I don’t know we’re not there yet.
As I sit here waiting to leave for my appointment praying to get my drain tubes out as I have hives all over my torso from the Tagaderm dressing, and one drain clogged that caused a Seroma that will have to be drained I also reflect.
I reflect on this almost 49 year old woman who was crying uncontrollably while her husband gently undressed her to ease her discomfort last night, and helped her into bed. A woman who is trying to find, and grasp the new her
. She is shy for her husband to look at her. The woman who has had a loss, the loss of a body part. A woman who is desperately trying to love herself all over again. You can all say it’s better this way. I know all of this. My body rejected my implants, yet it doesn’t make it any easier to accept.
I can remember people writing in my 7th grade annual to not be jealous of the walls. Trust me I finally came of age, and was happy with what God gave me. This though is different from just being flat chested. I have an incision from one side on my chest to the other, and just my skin. Nothing that resembles breasts at all. I also know as I write this I am just one of millions of woman just like me, but this is my personal journey.
I am doing my best, and my best is all I can do at this moment. I can say this, I thank God for gifting me the man he did. He gently loves me, and lets me go through this process(which sucks). I thank God for being cancer free, and now I pray that God will help me as He has with everything else in my life get through this next new phase in life. I am also grateful for the plastic surgeon who expressed such remorse, and empathy for my situation. It is not his fault my body rejected my implants 2 times. My body is just made different. I am breast cancer warrior! The cancer is gone, and so our my breasts. The older I get, the more I am realizing how intricately made I am…
“for it was You who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made”.