You can chose to have God be a fantasy, or a reality. You can chose to look around, and see His beauty written all over the canvas of our earth. Or you can chose to see it as some sort of happenstance. Blind faith can be hard, like believing in a Santa Claus.
I choose to believe, as I have seen God do miracles in circles around my life. God doesn’t just show up today, He shows off. He has saved me from the depths of myself countless times over. His grace, and mercies saved a wretch like me. He saved a fallen down drunk, that had freely given away every ounce of sanity that I once had. He restored me to sanity, He gifted me life free in Him.
God is no fairytale, or tall tale. He is the creator of the universe. If we come to belief that He sent His one, and only son to die the most brutal death so that we might have life, we in turn get an eternal retirement plan that is out of this world. God is my everything today. I can’t imagine still living, and self loathing in the bottom of that dead cold bottle. I smelled of deaths door, and now I have the fragrance of the most beautiful flowers, watered daily by Father’s hand. I chose life today in Him.
Fantasy no, life at its realest most raw as well vulnerable. Absolutely! The best thing I have done in my 47 years next week, here on earth is turn my will and my life over to the care of God. He is my reality. I have to walk with Him daily in order to have the life I have today. With this comes a life beyond my wildest dreams. His plans for me are far better than any I could have ever dreamt for myself. I choose, and chose God! Give me Jesus!
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16
Mute, my words to slurred to commute. A sleep in the steal of all that has life. My heart in dark caverns stop.
Everything is unfair in my coke bottle thick eyes. Yet shocked everything comes as a surprise. Contradiction in my affliction. Sorrow does not rain on my parade. No umbrella needed I am not protected. Vulnerable to every sip, and lick of that bottles drip.
A cadaver stiff, my body slowing. All my senses going. I know I am immortal, but the bottle seems a lifeline to some portal. I drag a toe tag wrapped around my barren foot. My life is soot. I drink to live, and live to drink.
Sitting in front of my tombstone in an inebriated state. Damn name better be carved in slate. I deserve, I need, I want, I should. Famous words of the alcoholic. Memorized by my tonic. God then stepped in with defibrillation. Not in deserve, but persevere of what little is left. Last chance for one last dance of a beautiful life. For which I had not known.
IV fluids on standby. Flush the plague. My life so vague, why would He think to hydrate me with saline. V tach no more. Life is being pumped in. My senses are being pronounced, I hear a prayer being sung over my spirit.
His prayer is delivering me out of the darkness. My whole body is being filled with life abundant. Sight, sound, touch, taste! My life is not a waist. Coke bottle glasses removed from my face. I see the most gentle, compassionate eyes. A silhouette of a man, with soft whispers prayer kept me from hanging on by a moment.
I was instantly falling in love with Him. I was desperate for change, forgot all I was lacking. Starvation for choose no longer. Taking His invitation. Falling more in love with Him, letting go of all I had held on to. Nothing to lose, with my life revived. Check for pulse, strong in Him. “One day at a time”.
To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24
Up your nose the swab tickles your brain. This is so lame. It sucks to have to say I even had to do this. Walking in I felt like I was on the set of E.T. When they asked me my name I said “Elliot”, you have to have a sense of humor or else your doomed for depressions best. Lest you forget we are in the midst of a major pandemic.
It prickles more than it burns, stomach churns with anxiety. Then you wait for what they’ve learned. The waits sucks, and so does the fatigue. No magazines.
200 tests all in one day, at a tiny urgent care center. Shuts down early from exhaustion of swabbing noses for the infection. Oppression stands behind me masked up waiting with weary eyes.
This is the new norm cases rise. We are somewhat paralyzed as we wear our new disguise. Covid-19 who would thought all of this in 2020. Close down shop, send people on their way with a leaflet of instructions. Kind of felt like a party with all the people, but there was no confetti.
Now I am home, not feeling so hot (except for my low grade fever). My tummy hurts, body aches, and now I wait, wait, wait…ISOLATE! and pray, pray, pray! Yep, this just today! 🤙🙏🏻
I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” Psalm 9:10
A miracle inside me, creation upon conception. My perception at 22 was this is odd(there is a tiny human inside me). It felt more like an alien life form, when you kicked from within. How grand our creators plan. Creation!
My belly moves from within. I was phat, P-H-A-T! Tiny imprints feet, and hands. Tightly wrapped upon my heart. From that very moment, the start. Creation!
You both had names from the get go. No she/he. It was Brie Faith, and Elias Kenneth. My blood runs through you. Creation!
Nine months inside my womb. Held dear to you. You ate what I ate. I was given broccoli upon the news (ewe)! I took very good care of you. Nurturing the tiny peoples you were inside of me. Creation!
You were chosen by the Lord to be attached to me by umbilical cord. Creation from the moment of conception. I could feel you. My waistline felt you too. All sorts of Ice Cream I could dish. No one told me different back then. I gained 15 pounds in 1 month. Too much junk. They apparently have education on that now. Oh well I was like a weeble wobble, tap my shoulder and I might have toppled over. Short, and jolly pregnant with you. Creation!
You were chosen for me, and I was chosen for you. My blood runs through you. Creation!
What began the change of life at the young age of 22. Can’t believe Brie Faith you are coming on 24 in 22 days, and little Eli just turned 22. Eeek. Creation!
Can’t get back any years, so I marvel in the miracle that you began as these tiny creations upon conception. That in but a moment, was the beginning of the miracle that you both are today. Conception is such a beautiful thing. For that moment I would not change a thing. Creation!
Pee on stick to convince the rest, my life test had already begun. For tiny fetus dependant on me resided within in me. Proof of life you got it, it turned blue. The day our lives changed forever grand. I stand in awe at creations hand. Creation!
You were chosen for me, and I was chosen for you. Your blood runs through me. Put the broccoli down, it makes me gag. I am certain they are wanting ice cream.
9 months later, bursting blinded by the light to be part of the world. Life outside of the womb. Mom was right there to nurture you. Tear stained face (me), perfect face (you). What was you, and the tiny person you became at the instant of conception. 22 months separate each birth.
You were chosen for me, and I was chosen for you. My blood runs through you. Creation!!
I love you both unconditionally, from the moment of conception a love no one can take. Creation!
Psalm 127:3. “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” The Good News: Children are rewards from God, so we must follow his word to truly cherish his gifts. …
As a huge milestone is fast approaching, I am eager in anticipation to celebrate this day with my dearest. This Thursday August 6th, I will have 7 years of continual sobriety. No toxin in my skin for 7 whole years. Nothing to numb me, and make me dumb
So with that said I can remember back to getting sober. There were so many firsts. I had been drinking pretty heavy for about ten years total when I came to the realization I was totally insane (loco). I was bruised, battered, and stained. I was asleep, like a Zombie. I could barely talk, and most times my walk was staggered. My heart was as dark as the blood that drained from my own dagger. I was held captive in darkness, shackles tight. I could not run fast enough desperation of a dying woman was seizing me
There was no one let alone me I could please. I was so woe is me, and please pity my life. I did not know how to live sober, and free of my spiritual illness. Hope was gone, that was the song on repeat in my cast iron heart. I was dead inside, my blood had run to freezing
So getting back to the sobriety part. The magic, and the artistry of God’s gracious hand on me. Free! Shackles lifted, and lights blind. I was alive, and awake from my slumber. People could see there was no more alcohol in me
The first time I saw myself in the mirror, OH DEAR! What had become of me
The first time I talked without slurring my words, I actually spoke with poise
The first time I said, “I love you,” and felt its meaning
The first time I looked outside, and saw all the earths majesticness I had been blind to
The first time I cried, raw and organic. It flowed like the storm on the night of the Titanic. Years of tears. I was drenched with sorrow, that I cast far away from me with God’s forgiveness
The first time I hugged, I didn’t want to let go it felt so good to swallowed like a bear. Not a single care
The first time I prayed. I could feel the spirit envelop me whole. For this had been years since I had that kind of know
The first time I was grateful my list was as long a hymnal I sang the chorus over and over. For thee I adore once more
The first time I laughed it was loud, and obnoxious like I had never made that sound before. Yet I felt it deep
The first time I was learning Lisa. There was so much to learn. It is was as if I was in school just for me, the A, B, C, s’
The first time I kissed with much nervousness do I even know how. Like do I practice or something I only knew under drunken uninhibitedness
The first time I made a genuine friend, do we talk over tea over something. It was so exciting you see, especially for a drunk like me
The first holiday, I remembered it all. I was festive, and a bit jolly. Break out the Holly
The first time I grieved, even my dad who had passed in 1983. My grief list was too quite lengthly. I had lost a lot in my toxic trance. Now time to take a glance, and then put it all to rest
The first time I started to find new likes, and loves that were all my own. Wow, to be my very own person. The codependency in that broken bottle gone. My age like that of a child, with much wonder. Pure amazement. Easily amused
My list of firsts could go on, and on because I still have some even seven years later. The one thing I know is these firsts are never to be taken for granted. I live my life “one day at a time,” and can never forget where I came from. I work my life with my spiritual house having to be guarded. These firsts are all dependent on my spiritual house, and where I sit. So today I don’t quite have seven years, no not until Thursday. I have the firsts, and I hold them close
The first time someone found enough worth in me to invite me to a recovery meeting, was the first time I realized I needed to have the tools it offered to learn to live sober, and free. So more firsts I could see
The first time I said The Seventh Step Prayer is as follows: “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding