As I ready myself for work I do have at the back of my head what if?
What if it my chin biopsy comes back skin cancer, and they have to dig into my chin? The Doctor advising me I could use my breast cancer surgeon to do the plastic surgery to make my chin look somewhat normal.
What if, what if what if, my brain was definitely squirrelly, and the what if was renting too much space in my head on Monday. I knew I needed an AA meeting. I knew what if needed to go
What if? I didn’t feel like drinking, I just know what to do when I don’t feel good. I have been gifted the tools today to say I need to get into the rooms to listen. To be open minded, willing, and honest
What if? I wasn’t myself. When the Doctor started talking plastic surgeon I checked out. I could see his mouth moving, but it was too much for my brain with all I have just come up, and out of in the last 2 years. Breast Cancer, and four surgeries later I envisioned myself telling the Doctor to go you know where. Of course I didn’t.
What if? What if? What if? Well I only have today. I live one day, and at times one moment at a time. So I now wait for 2 grueling weeks. I wait, and I see. I trust God, and pray a lot. I take that what if and shove it!
What if? Sure it remains at the back of my head with a bandaid on my chin as I grin. What if is not as overwhelming as it was Monday. That is all thanks to a program God gifted me in AA, and my spiritual house today being clean. I know God has me
What if? I don’t know all I know is I trust my unknown future to a very known God. All I have is right now. So with bandaid on my chin I will manage to grin, and make it through my work day! Happy, Joyous, and free me! What if all I have is today
As I ready myself for work I do have at the back of my head what if?
What if it my chin biopsy comes back skin cancer, and they have to dig into my chin? The Doctor advising me I could use my breast cancer surgeon to do the plastic surgery to make my chin look somewhat normal.
What if, what if what if, my brain was definitely squirrelly, and the what if was renting too much space in my head on Monday. I knew I needed an AA meeting. I knew what if needed to go
What if? I didn’t feel like drinking, I just know what to do when I don’t feel good. I have been gifted the tools today to say I need to get into the rooms to listen. To be open minded, willing, and honest
What if? I wasn’t myself. When the Doctor started talking plastic surgeon I checked out. I could see his mouth moving, but it was too much for my brain with all I have just come up, and out of in the last 2 years. Breast Cancer, and four surgeries later I envisioned myself telling the Doctor to go you know where. Of course I didn’t.
What if? What if? What if? Well I only have today. I live one day, and at times one moment at a time. So I now wait for 2 grueling weeks. I wait, and I see. I trust God, and pray a lot. I take that what if and shove it!
What if? Sure it remains at the back of my head with a bandaid on my chin as I grin. What if is not as overwhelming as it was Monday. That is all thanks to a program God gifted me in AA, and my spiritual house today being clean. I know God has me
What if? I don’t know all I know is I trust my unknown future to a very known God. All I have is right now. So with bandaid on my chin I will manage to grin, and make it through my work day! Happy, Joyous, and free me! What if all I have is today
I don’t drink like a lady. All it takes is one sip, and I am off to the races. That bottle in wait to rape my innocence, me oblivious. As well I will gladly take you with me to my self made hell. Oh well
Smite with each drip. Sipped turned to pour, turned to guzzle like a whore
I don’t drink like a lady. My inhibitions loose. My heart calloused, and the desires of the world worn like a string pearls
Smite I don’t drink like a lady, there just isn’t enough. As much as I was knocked down a notch with each drip I didn’t give a sh*&! As long as I couldn’t feel. Waited for its kill, the thrill
I don’t drink like a lady. Forgetting my title as wife, and mother. Slurred colorful language that usually was never heard my tongue did not hesitate. I hurt so I wanted you to hurt
Smite I don’t live there anymore. I gave up that bottle of self pity. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I envy not that prison within anymore. My chains are broke. The old woman inside of me I don’t have to be. Her day is long dead, and gone. I am redeemed…
Smite no more, today I am am free of the alcoholic whore. Grace He poured, and I drink it deep within my skin. One day at a time, I am free of my alcoholic spiritually ill suffering
Smite I don’t live there anymore, you’ve got the wrong damn door
My feet were so feeble, tired and calloused from years of running. I was always on the run. Just could not imagine if I were to feel. It was no longer a balancing act, I couldn’t even manage that
I had buried all my secrets in my skin. Love was just a camouflage for what was rage seeping through every word. I was as red, as red as red could be. Spewing venom, green
I became introverted with selfish lust for what was a bottle. One of broken promises, it was my only friend. It told me what I wanted to hear. Whispered lies into my ear, I knew my end was near
There was a small light I could see at the bottom of the hole I had buried myself in. I was so thirst-y for something pure. I wanted life. Death had become me. Zombie breath, and broken hearts all of my making. Blood stained hands, and no regret. Yet I knew there was something better. The tiniest glimmer
I swore I didn’t care, and as long as I couldn’t feel. Ill I intended to stay. Then that day the light spoke through the dark. I could feel a reach for my corpse. A lifeline so divine
I was thirst-y for a new way of life. Becoming tired of my own face. I wanted my broken smile to rise above me. Flee from the puddle of tears I lied in. Rid the locusts eating my flesh
I was thirst-y for the living water that was being spoon fed to me, by my Lord’s hands. My hearts compass was trashed, but God gifted me a new plan for my weary bones. No longer alcohol could it hold
I thirst for what was fresh, no more wretched breath. I wanted eyes that could see, hands that could feel. A body not so brittle. I was thirsty for what was pure, and holy.
In this time God did for me what I couldn’t do for myself. I no longer drool for that tonic, and long gone are the days my feet are on the run. I wake with great clarity, and another day I thirst for the gift of life in the precious blood Jesus gifted to me upon Calvary. I humbly start each day on bended knee. Never forgetting that cavern I was buried alive in. New life in Him
As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. Psalm 42:21
Fresh is the morning birds song, and I might just sing along. Chirping, and swaying to the beat of my feet
Fresh is the suns yawn spreading its rays, getting ready to say, “hey it’s going to be a beautiful sunshiny day” It is a new day, a new dawn. Oh yes I can’t wait to get outside to play
Fresh is the coffee brewing in my pot, don’t stop. I believe in you, every sip I do I do. Creamy, sweet, and you give that little bit of pep in my step. You bet, I am ready for my first sip. I do not have a doughnut to dip, but oh that first sip
Fresh is the Lord’s word ready to absorb. This is not just knowledge for my head, it is a matter of the heart. Etched art, that molds my day. He is the potter, and I the clay. Every moment given to Him, for He always has my best. In this I rest
Fresh is my warm morning shower spilling over my skin. Waking me up, as well that coffee in my cup. It’s a brand new day, I am now to get ready
Fresh is the day, yesterday gone. Tomorrow not yet here. Living in the moment, closer to where I started chasing after you. One day at a time. One breath, and better yet just for today! I begin with YOU!
These are just some of the burdens we as people carry around with us daily.
In this upside down, backwards World there is healing in the Blood of Jesus. If we ask Him to take these daily burdens we carry away He will. Jesus heals!
I am a living walking miracle, racked with alcoholism. I was full of rage, and resentments. I held the worlds tiniest violin, and was always “woe is me”. I was full of shame, and regret. I have walked a long 46 years in this life. I have suffered loss to suicide, divorce, a child who I haven’t seen in 7 years. She is now a young lady of 24 years old.
Jesus has taken all of that, that I held so tightly to. He loosened my grip, and took off my shackles. He set me free of the bondage of self. I am a loving testament of the unconditional love of Jesus Christ when we surrender our lives to Him. I am redeemed. I am not who I used to be, and that is all God in me! Jesus has given me back ten fold all I threw away in my selfishness. He is so faithful to complete the work he started. He has richly blessed my life, I still have pain. I now know I can get through anything with Jesus by my side. When I surrender my will, it doesn’t hurt so much! God has done for me often what I couldn’t do for myself.
Even if you have never prayed before, Jesus knows your heart. He knows what you are wanting to say before even you say it. Allow what burdens you carry today to be healed at the foot of the cross. Allow the suffrage to be taken by the loving hand of our creator!
God be with you all, I know life can be a lot. You are not alone nor do you have be. Let Jesus set you free to the healing of your heart! Allow a new life in Him to start, there is no time like the present!
Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Jesus said, “He who believes in Me will never die” (John 11:26)
Reaching from under the rubble, my own stinch making me sick
Glazed over eyes, grasping at straws. Dark no light Clausterphopia setting in
Life so raw, I just wanted to be buried in my sleep. Fast asleep in the deep beneathe the earth
Should I have been surprised when He whispered my name echoing through the broken dirt
Dust breaths, “yes Lord I hear you”
His voice so distant, but yes he was there hollow his voice bouncing from the ground that encased my body
My rescuer has sought me, to take my hand to free me from the rubble, alcohol no longer my idol. A faitour it was, but the good Lord has won. Imposter slithered away
The breath I breathe today is clean, crisp, and not lacking any oxygen
In my enibraition He gave me a taste of what it was like to breathe a new breath of life, my taste buds were on fire with desire of Him
He was no longer far, he was right there at my aide. I could see again, I could taste again. It was more than good!! It was His saving grace, His face
Psalm 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge
No not in your pockets that will not do, words from the old. Flabbergassted this was me…A glimpse into my insanity
Airliner size bottles are easier to hide, they aide in clever. If you consider misdemeanors clever. I hid all sorts of alcohol just about everywhere I could think of, beer too
Airliners slip neatly into the bottom of a shoe, if you have a slew of them no one will be onto you. Boots are even better
They also go quite nicely between the the mattress and box spring, great for the picking once everyone has kicked it for the night
I had managed with certian outfits to conceal them on my person, like anyone is willing to do any lurking
I had a slit in my purse lining barely big enough for these tiny sized swigs to slip right downside of. They lay neatly concealed under my wallet, and the other have to’s. Not a single person ever knew
I hid them in the bathroom among my makeup mess, I must confess I spent a lot of time in the bathroom
Beer cans float well at the top of a toilet bowl, and who ever looks in there unless the flapper becomes an issue, Phew
Poolside was a place I liked to get licked. I hid them in one the community bathrooms under the sink. Way back in a corner, no one ever knew. Use the bathroom, pound one down. 5 left to go. Then blitzed
This was just the normal for me, I thought nothing of it. No big deal. Everything was secret, and hidden. I was a very driven alcoholic, it was always there. I was never without it
I can only imagine my poor liver soaking this in day in and day out. At 5’2″ 108 pounds then. I was drinking myself to death, and darn good at it too
As I write this it makes me sad that I was this deceiving, I believe I had really nobody fooled. I just sat and wallowed in petty resentments. In realtity I was fooling only myself, I was a creep. I was in deep
I filled up a plastic water bottle with a wine of choice thinking everybody would think it was some sort flavored fruit drink, I carried it with me as I shopped. It was always fully loaded and in tow. With me everywhere I would go
I took alcohol to work in a traveler mug, smuggling in booze is a great way to get you fired, it happened a couple times. Oh yes the day I got my D.U.I. Make it worse get fired, sob and despair. Sit in your car with drink after drink, then see how you drive. Right into a buff Increbile Hulk size police officers cuffs, and off to the county jail. $1,000 bail
I still for sometime never looked the part. Looks can be deceiving. That I was. Always dressed to impress, and well schooled. For a moment I could pass myself off as able. Then I would start the job get “my desk” and my booze would dribble from the table
I was not able. Why do they call it a functioning alcoholic? Usually every one knows. What just because I could drink everybody under the table taking in copias amounts of alcohol without an ounce of sickness or headache
I was not able. Just because I got up, and drove myself to work? Usually with a drink in the middle console easing my anxieties the whole route there. I just did not care, or did I? I was loosing myself
I was lost in an alcoholic insanity. Using alcohol as a bandage for my conflicted heart. Albert Einstein said it best; “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
So I became a professional at something yet, how proud where was my reward? Blue ribbon hangining or a trophy please, “Insanity Professor”. In less time then it takes to get an AA degree
It has been 7 years and 2 months of sober! Wow!! 7 years since I realized I was powerless over alcohol. Gave up alcohol in exchange for my life eternal. My life in Jesus!! I carry Him around everywhere I go. He is with me to guard my heart, he takes up permanent residence. I am fully armored against the evil of this world. I know all to well what it is to be of world. Now I am just in it. As it is written to be. God is my keeper, and has reigns on me. I was convicted greatly by my lack of self control. No more for that is a life that has been said good ridden to, and forgiven.
Can you believe the madness I endured! How absurd! It almost seems harder to be alcoholic, with its trickery and hiding. Thank you Lord for now my abiding is in you!!
Airliners are for travel to and from a city or county, travel mugs hold my morning coffee, and plastic water bottles are my most prized possesion as I drink a ton of water. I don’t touch a toilet bowl unless it is a must to be attended too. My purse is in tact. I keep my Eli-Pen in there, and most know it can be gone through. I show for work free without slurring my speech, and with that get to keep my job.
Now here, for all this we can celebrate. Blue ribbon no need, eternal life is my now fated prize!!
I exchanged insanity for sanity for a life eternal with Jesus!
27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. John 10:27-28
Cloaked; wore the veil of shame, cloak and dagger was my game
A lie sat at the surface of my lips
From alcoholic poison words would drip, soothing the moisture absorbed. Absurd in my own selfish hoard
A theifl! Callous, and defeat were the shoes I wore. An alcoholic whore. For God was pushed out the door, threw away that key
There was no hide, just a scared little girl sitting in her corner. Wanting protection, yet so fearful of rejection
God was calling on me, and I pushed Him so far from my sight. I sat in the darkness in the steal of the night
Made my own bed of sin. Billows of lies. Tripped too many times on my so called life, walking a fine line
A thief! Callous was my heart. Had drinking down to an art. I was the master of my own disguise
God kept calling on me, and wanted me on bended knees. That is when I finally gave in, and put my bottle down. Traded my lies, for truth in Jesus’s word. A crown
The air is clean, and my body pure. For God’s holy water I drink from His well daily. Time has told I am 7 years old new in Him. Sober is my march. I keep my eyes fixated on the cross. For there is where I win with Him
Victory proclaimed in Jesus name, one day at a time. One more day sober, one more day his daughter. For I serve such a gracious King to love a wretch like me…
Romans 7:24
Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost But now I’m found Was blind, but now I see’Twas grace that taught My heart to fear And grace my Fears relieved How precious did That grace appear The hour I first believedThrough many dangers Toils and snares We have already come ‘Twas grace hath brought Us safe thus far And grace will lead us homeWhen we’ve been there Ten thousand years Bright shining as the sun…
Sober is my gait, sober is smile, and sober is my heart, I am connected to my God who saved a wretch like me! No greater love known to man!
I have been down roads shard with glass, with no shoes or socks. My bare feet sliced, and slit to bits. Bleeding in pools of blood I smeared. Slippery. Nothing I could do to get around them. Like a thorn in my foot, festered and diseased. Still wasn’t enough to bring me to my knees
I have been down roads with molten lava spilling its venom fast with fiery. Eating away my skin, bone exposed. Stubborn was my walk, rot with balm of waste garbage. Still not enough to bring me to my knees
I have been down roads so desolate, and dark. I could not see anything. It was as black as black could be. My depth perception was left behind. No hindsight is 20/20 then for me. I was blind to the road I trekked. Still not enough to bring me to my knees
I have been down roads with the roughest terrain. Lost, my compass broken. No skip in my step. No bounce left. My shoes, had set place in the most ill place. I could not see up from down, my life was spun inside out
I had been down every road at this point, running from God with shame as my sprint. I was out of breath, and so bent. Tears were bleeding my soul dry. It was time to fall to my knees, plea. The soil beneath toxic with weeds, wanting to crawl to my neck in strangulation to my death. Coffin open waiting for me
It was on my knees that God cleared the ground underneath, gave me a few breaths of reprieve. He lit the area around my body, and I was able to see. I knew it was time to give in. I tossed him my running shoes. He gently lifted my chin, and wiped away my tears. He lifted all the years I allowed the locusts to eat away. He wiped the dirt from my face, and gave me a drink from His canteen. Freshest water succumbed my soul. Seeped deep my lifeless body. Whole
It was on my knees God restored my sanity. He broke my chains, and shackles were cut. He gave me the gift of new life. My slate of compass crazed ways was wiped clean. Resorted back to health. Feeble no longer. In His eyes He had already forgot I had been on the run. It was done
My smile is genuine, my heart is the Lord’s! I am a daughter of Christ. In thee I delight! What roads?! All forgiven by His blood, made clean!
Job 4:4 Your words have upheld him who was stumbling, and you have made firm the feeble knees.
Weirds Are Word 