“Prayer is the most important conversation of your day. Take it to God before you take to anyone else”. ~Toby Mac
Words are to be lifted from the soul! Photograph’s are memories of the heart yet to unfold! Let’s begin!
“Prayer is the most important conversation of your day. Take it to God before you take to anyone else”. ~Toby Mac
“Sobriety Delivers Everything Alcohol Promised”.
Just a shell walking in a lifeless form, a mannequin with barely a beating heart. Flat line waiting for the paddles, nothing could rattle my covetness for my numbness slathered
Dormant my personality lied, the zeal suppressed with alcoholics hallucinate hands. Reside in my own cell, an alcoholic hell. Sit in my own sin, wallow in my trademark venom
Never could pass the test, and any zest I may have had was laid to rest. Idolized the moisture of my enbrieated state. Filled with hate
Fools gold in that bottle I held, meld into my skin. Personfied allibi, fake beyond each disguise. Lost with each sip, lucid goes as I got hosed
Swam with the sharks. Ravenous, blood thirsty. Needed that alcohol to occupy my soul. No holes, just bury all my secrets in my skin. Soak it up, let it be my end
It was my first thought upon waking the craving pulsating, and trampling my brain. It was the last thought upon laying my drunk head into a blackout state, death hovered
This was the alcolohic me, numb me. Take away the pain for just one more moment. I hurt so bad inside. No where for God to reside. Hibernated, and bathed myself with my poison. My soul took cover, and demons hovered. Lurking in the night, I became as dark the tonic I drank. Rank with stank
Crippled by my own hands, hardened heart. Selfish, drowning in my own spite
Feeding off the juicy lies that came as day turned into night, and night turned into day. Spiced it up, made stuff up, my life was but a lie. Hiding in my bottle, this was the alcolohic me
No more hiding, no more numbing, no more running. For Jesus salvaged the wreckage I made of my life. Gave me hope, and took away my craving. He took my heart, and transplanted it at the cross. Carved my name, where His body hang in death for me on Calvary
Laid the bottle down, and now I am unmasked and even somewhat vulnerable. For the love, laughter, and life I have now I would never trade it for a day of desperation lost. For I was off the grid, but now am found. In Him I abound. My masks are no more, my smile is real. In Jesus was my appeal….pathos no more, joy so surreal. That character no longer resides, for I am alive and set free of the dark cage of lifeless air suffocating me
I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:1-2
I can’t remember a time when we were not about thrive, it was a pep talk into perseverance because our daily was one more bolt that was about to be stripped. We had a bag full of all the bolts we vanished its divets from. Repeatedly trying so hard to screw them back into place. A rivet away from homelessness
So co-dependant it would make ill sick, how we pushed for so long I still don’t know. We desperately clung to our 19 year old selves. We had faded away in youth, just as morning faded into night. Swindled by our on sight, it was time to grow up. Yet we didn’t
Pretending we became so very good at, a tea parties delight. Dressed to the kilt with all the latest of gadets. When the rent came do we scrambled to have it. Looks can be deceiving. Dress up a family of four for all to adore, and they will not see famished rising from within. Covered skin with name brands to no end
Even tried to abide as much as the crisp cool dark that we had encased ourselves in would allow. Upon these moments a fire fly here and there was all the light we could muster. Running with dark like a wolf, the angels always trying to get back hold of our then bones we were so scathed from false pretense
I can’t remeber a time when we were not about thrive. It was who we were. How we would come upon the monies to pay the next bill in wait. Ever heard of this thing called a job?!? The bible quotes a man who does not work will lack bread for his table. This was no fable. Did you ever really get a look at our seating for four. What was missing, a feast yes that was one. If you looked further you could see our kids jeans hanging from wasted waitslines their weight melting away from lack of nourishment. There was no flourish, we had not much left of our remains. Dig the graves make them ready, for we are barely going to make it
I had already said my goodbyes to all that tried to make way for health. The wealth we wrapped ourselves in was a farse. We were a travesty. Take off your tapestry you will see we are empty
Empty your pockets of only lint. Even more vacant were our hearts. For we had long resided elsewhere. We had no longer a barring even Gorilla glue would not do. We were beyond the fix. We were beyond charities hand. People had caught on, fraudulent demeanor. No pity, for we dug ourselves into a slimy pit of ruins. Living in ancients past, I feel sorry for our story is a really badly written county artist song. Not melodic in the sing along. In fact turn that crap off
I can’t remember a time when we were not about thrive, did you honestly think we would survive living like that? We were just a moment away from the loss of it all. We had been laughed at, and seen as fools. All our schooling went on the wayside for we were always trying to thrive. We never were about DO!! You think the two don’t walk hand in hand? Fools
We did not survive we are now casaulietes of our own demise. I can’t remember a time we were not about thrive. Maybe if I was to blame credulity I could say, but I know it takes to two to make a mess of a life that was one. I see this today with much clearer vision. Not gullible to my part, and I guess we both should have seen there was nothing that could keep us from falling apart. Spiritually ill makes for clean kill.
Praise God for His forgiveness reigns down from above, at the cross I found myself weeping for forgiveness, and asking for His unconditional love for all of four of our loss. Regain our spirit, and renew of hearts soul. Lord God save us, make us fragrant with your shed blood for us. Allow us to see the dove take flight, and once again reside in your light. Years later I thank you for I believe you have worked circles in miracles of at least three of these lives. Prayer, and fervency of thy will not mine. For my Lord God His love is divine. He has restored the years I allowed the locusts to eat away. How great a God is He
“Non-alcoholic beer is for non- alcoholic’s read the label”. ~Ardel (old timer in my AA meetings)
I had to jot this into my notes one night at a meeting. I loved it, and it made me chuckle too. New alcoholics that are still trying to figure out there powerlessness over alcohol will still try anything. An old timer put it very simply as to say the above quote. I have known many who have relapsed thinking they could drink non-alcoholic beer. They go back to their old ways/habits so fast. It’s a slippery slope I am not willing to go down. It made perfect sense to me.
“Sometimes we get so carried away trying to be right we forget to be kind”. ~Bob Goff/Toby Mac
“What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God”.
I was that flimsy reed, living proof to not give up before the miracle happens.
“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts”. -Winston S. Churchill
I have this picture of what it was like then, and what it is like now. It is a mental note of how great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. How he reached beyond the rubble, the edged shards of glass, and the pool of blood I lie in. Drenched with self pity, and cold. Malice had run deep with each drink I took. Locked in the tiniest nook inside my head. I was dead, I felt nothing
I was a crazed maniac in an alcoholic induced state of incomprehensible demoralization. I had become unrecognizable to the people who knew me best. My own mother who gave birth to me, would have passed me by as just another person she did not have any know of. My kids they did not wish to claim me as their mother, and I don’t blame them. I was an embarrassment to their own identity that they themselves were still trying hard to find at their vulnerable ages. I was a bottom feeder drunk, and had run out of luck
I have this picture of what it was like then, and what it is like now. I had all my body parts in tact, no cancers inside me. Then the day came that all changed. I was a bit in shock, even though at 46 years of age I had been dealing with my breast health since my early 20’s. My husband, and I sat hand in hand trying to understand what was coming our way. There just was no way to prepare for such a thing this as this. I had to have a double mastectomy during Covid-19. I had 8 drain tubes upon waking from this tragic event. I knew God had spared my life, and gave me life once again free from my alcoholic burial. I had 6 plus years of spiritual health, and so much hope. I was a fighter. I had God as my ultimate surgeon in both of these drastic stages in my life. One time doing open heart surgery on me, and cleansing the inside of my heart. The second doing a phenomenal healing on my physical being after my breasts were removed, and the beginning of a partial reconstruction was is place. The cancer had not spread, my lymph node surgery came back clear. How near God was, and I am prodded in these times in my journey of life how great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. I just have to keep on keeping on. There have been highs, and lows in this time after surgery. God has been so faithful to meet me. I can remember trying to hang curtains, something that came so easy for me before my surgery. I just couldn’t do it, I sat on my living room floor sobbing. Really blubbering. My emotions were so out of whack. I was a crack
How great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. I have had so many people come along side me in both stages of my life, as my biggest cheerleaders. I have a huge list of prayer warriors who pray for me daily. I can call upon them when I feel a little under the weather. It is God’s umbrella of protection, when I surrender daily He will do for me what I can’t do for myself. He will help me see the superwoman strength I did not even know I had, to over come anything that comes my way. Their is nothing a drink will not make worse. I am a fighter, and the hope I have today is as indescribable as His love for me is. I have so much to live for even on my worst day. My worst day now is better than best day drunk. I truly stunk, and now the fragrance that comes from me arouses the senses of the finest
I am reminded daily I can never forget where I came from, and how very far God has brought me. How great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. No I am not getting all teary as I write, okay yes maybe a little. I have never had a love such as His! He died for me, that I may have life if I believe. I can’t imagine a day without Him to go to with my EVERYTHING!
Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5