Posted in Writings from my heart

It is 12:36 p.m., and it feels like midnight. I am beyond exhausted. Home from my surgery…

So yesterday I had my final breast cancer surgery. My husband, and I were overwhelmed by the prayer response we got. I woke to texts, FB private messages all saying we are praying. As well they reassured us how much God had me. Which there was no doubt how very present he was.

I have such a very complicated health background. So when my double mastectomy went off without a hitch I was ecstatic to say the least. I was writing home to mama even though really she lives here, and I am able to call her on the phone. It just sounded sounded better to say that lol (more dramatic). Writing home to mama…😄

We knew the risks, complications, and just about all that goes into breast implants after a double mastectomy. Trust me we double, triple, and quadruple checked our information as well statistics. I am allergic to so many medications, and foods. This is decision was not taken lightly, or without fervent prayer.

My surgeon in all honesty after reading my prior health history told me his anxiety went up even thinking about the double mastectomy let alone putting implants of a foreign nature in my body. He in the end with us, after weighing heavily all options gave his approval. I went all summer with just above my average size breasts before my masectomy for the tissue expanders, which are what stretches my skin for the implants that are now my breasts.

So as I sit here everything at this moment looking back in retrospect everything went better than expected, and God answers prayers! Prayer is so powerful! I did have to have drain tubes that are producing very little blood. They will be taken out the morning of Christmas Eve if they keep producing less than 15 milliliters. Which I am pretty certain they will be.

So far what I see in the mirror I am excited about, I could have never have gone without breasts. The lack of sensation in my breast tissue has been quite enough for me to accept alone.

So now our prayer is for no post surgery infection, and number one on my list is SLEEP. I have the opposite reaction to anesthesia. Which is more common than realized. I have slept 2 1/2 hours since being home at 4 p.m. yesterday. I suffer from insomnia for about the first 3 days the anesthesia messes with my internal sleep clock. Which I am trying to keep my attitude in check since my “hot” wonderful husband was by the grace of God able to take a week off of work in care of me. So I smile when he walks by even though all I wish to do is scream “I need sleep”! I won’t do that though. I am going to try for small catnaps today. Which hasn’t happened yet.

I know the size of my breasts are to me perfect because it is the same cup size I was before they removed them. They are just more full as I am almost 47, and have had two children 24, and 22 years ago. So they just look happier. They may not be super natural, but I have breasts. I am free of breast cancer! I rode my mountain bike all summer with as much ease as you can with expanders that are the same as the implants I have now, but felt like a vice contraption. These implants are so much more natural feeling. The stretching of my skin that is so thin from the removal of my breasts, was very painful. It has all been worth it. This is not the route for every woman as each case is so individual to the woman. It is such a personal, and intimate path. So soon with God on our side this journey will all be in the rear view mirror. God has so done miracles in this body of mine. The surgeon said to my husband “if all my patients had as healthy of tissue as your wife it sure would make my job easier”.

All God none of me, I think not drinking has played a huge roll in that. Sobriety has served so many positive roles in my life. As well All God not me. I am just a willing participant in this journey of my life. Praise God for that. I show up for my life today!

We have meals for over a week, from a meal train my mom started. How very blessed we feel. The hardest part about this is not being able to hug our closet. When my mom came over the night before my surgery, with her soon to be fiancé to bring food. Saying goodbye without a hug was the hardest part. I teared up, and my heart felt sad. It has been too long of this social distancing from those who hold the closest places in our hearts!

So as I am finishing up this post, I am a very sleep deprived, extremely blessed woman. Who knows my creator God was present through this whole journey from diagnosis to now. If there are errors or anything confusing in this post please excuse me, as it is time to try one of those catnaps I am in desperate need of. As well my husband has not once left my side (he is a God send). He too is very emotionally drained. He is already snoring away next to me, hopefully that will be me soon enough. Except I don’t snore. Blessings All. Sorry for the long post..lots in my heart ❤️

Miss this the most!

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being. (Ephesians 3:14,16)

Posted in SoCS Prompt

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Dec. 19/2020-Jesus Freak

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Dec. 19/2020-Jesus Freak

https://weirdsareword.wordpress.com/2020/12/18/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-19-2020-jesus-freak/
— Read on weirdsareword.wordpress.com/2020/12/18/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-19-2020-jesus-freak/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

So much to praise Him for

So I got the call that my final, and my last breast cancer surgery is a go for Monday the 21st of this month. With that came tears because reality hit. This is it, it is finally happening. Of course whenever anyone is put under there is also a little bit of nervous anxiety.

We have so much to be in laud to our loving father God for. I will be in 100% self quarantine starting tomorrow after I Covid test. This weekend we had 3 separate little Christmas’s with those who are near, and dearest to us. Two people each night beginning Friday. How blessed we are to have these beautiful people in our lives.

We had strict orders that no food was to be exchanged or eaten at any given get together. We gathered, and we did everything according to my surgeons orders. We had a couple pictures with masks off, but it was for milliseconds.

I am all done with everything Christmas, I am ready to be locked down. I really kept it simple, and stress free. We were so blessed to be able to give this year, and that my husbands job has been essential. God is so present, and I know on the day of my surgery He will be right at my side. He is the Ultimate surgeon. He gave me an incredible surgeon who I trust fully. I feel confident everything will go as planned.

The biggest struggle I am having is that my husband has to drop me off, and say goodbye at the car. That one cuts a little, but I know it could be so much worse. It has been for so many people.

So I will continue to spiritually ready myself. I will be praying lots, reading, staying connected to friends/family, and the one thing that allows me to do all this is my AA meetings. So I will be Zooming a lot too. A gift in, and of itself.

Here is a sneak peak at a couple of our early Christmas pictures. My husband’s best friend of well over 40 years dates my best friend of over 25 years. He thought it would be super funny to come out to our car to make sure we didn’t forget anything (while spraying unknown fart spray all over our car). 🤢 Almost 55, and these two are like little boys when we get them together.

Psalm 35:28 My tongue will proclaim your righteousness,
your praises all day long.

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/12/15/laud/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

His…

I was stubborn in my own free will. You Lord saying yeild. Running from my helpers hand. He will make me strong in my stance. Giving me another chance. No more doing the same ol’ dance. Surrender

I was stubborn in my own free will, with my hand in His face, “ah Lord come on I so got this.” He was ready to dismantle my world. This one, she may take dynamite to wake her from her sleeping state. Sedated no more. Resonate

Shriveled ruins, my soul lay fractured. Defeated with alcoholic sin. All He wanted was me the prisoner held captive by my own riddled heart. Give up, give in. Stop fighting with Him who just wants to take hold upon your heart, and make you whole. Complete 

Disegration at what cost, for my souls loss? Stop running in, and of yourself. The world has nothing worthy especially at the price I was paying. Acceptance

A wandering heart with such strong will. I no longer had to have the desperation of a dying woman. A watchful eye, a comforting hand, a love to take cover in. Grip His hand in mine, plug your ears. This will not hurt, He will detonate the bomb that will blow that cell door right off. Stand back, there may be a few fragments for the cleanup. That will be a breeze, just hand all the broken pieces to Him. He will put you back together again. Resurrection

All the rubble left to barefeet for it is no trouble, no matter how tiny the shards. He will protect you from slivers fester. For now he takes charge. He is the reason. This was in purpose for no more in watch of your wither. Now you will stand upon the crumbled ground. Rebuild with Him as your foundation. More beautiful its creation than ever before. Taller, stronger, unable to penetrate. A full armor of Him, given in wardrobe. Sandals for your feet. Clothed, sheltered, and heart fortified. HIS

Oh, its madness to choose any other road; it is stark madness to think you will get adequate help anywhere in the universe apart from this divine Savior and Lord. ~George W. Truett

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/12/09/desperation/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Pick it up be on your way, vanished heart!

Here today, gone tomorrow. In the blink of an eye, 18 years were swept under the mat. Not even a proper goodbye.

18 years of my life in one suitcase, no evidence of me ever belonging to my family. Nor them to me. Vanished from my life, no longer a wife or mom. All was gone

Looking back on all the years the waves we rode, I should have seen the corosion setting in. We were past rusty. Denial eases the sting. Send me on my way, and pretend of my non existence. Does this kind of rejection come with a death certificate? On a plane ready to leave what was my life behind. It changed with the flip of a dime 

Word spread fast that you called it abandonment. You played that card well. You were ill. I had to trust that with God in time, He would give me back my rights. All you packed up in a single night. You can’t pack human life. I could feel the dissolution my children were carrying 

Loneliness crept, and crawled through every cavern of my body. Like a spider bite, with deathly consequence. Alone! Self pity ready to sit and share its first dinner. Feed upon my soul. It was an all time low. I could not hear their voices, see their faces, or feel them. The little light left was becoming so dim. Lord allow me to feel them. Keep the bulb lit 

God I need you to make this wrong right. Evil came, and wreaked havoc all in the still of the night. Those evil mongers were stomping all over shattered images of 18 years. Spitting vile, and having a hay day on our grief. Parading on memories left.Vacating our souls. Make them GO! I hate that suitcase it resembles nothing holy

It seems like a nightmare sometimes still. All this damage. Lord take us all four, and renew us as quickly as night turns to morning. Let glory be seen in this tragic blood fest. Breathe new life, and hope. Heal our soldiers wounds. Break open the cacoon of lies, spill it and make it right 

Vanished without a trace, my kids hearts broken for their mom. All in effort for me to seek your face. Grovel to my knees. Jesus I need YOU!! At the cross of Calvary I will stay, sifting/sorting. Tracing all the years lost, in my memory bank I toss about. So much loss, and in it I know I will gain in my pain. It is the Mystery of your will. I will be still

Bring me out of these termoultulous times, and in you I will trace back my heart from the start. Where I said, yes Jesus in you I believe. Pour your grace upon me. Make me whole again. Let the barren fragments, and pools of tears be yours. Fear no more for I know I am not alone, and you are soverign

I get to see one face that makes my heart sing, and you are allowing traces of my life back. The odds were stacked against me, but in you I will always prevail. What was lost in one suitcase, I am gaining in my soul. You can’t pack human life, for in you there are traces of life being reconditioned. I wish this was a figment of my imagination, yet it is as non-fiction as it gets. It is my story, and I will be better one day for every tear shed

2 down 2 to go. You we will all soon behold. Traces…

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/23/11/figment/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Jesus heals our wounds

Lonely

Weary

Physical pain

Grieving

Addiction

Financially devastated

Hopeless

Shame

Resentments

Broken hearted

These are just some of the burdens we as people carry around with us daily.

In this upside down, backwards World there is healing in the Blood of Jesus. If we ask Him to take these daily burdens we carry away He will. Jesus heals!

I am a living walking miracle, racked with alcoholism. I was full of rage, and resentments. I held the worlds tiniest violin, and was always “woe is me”. I was full of shame, and regret. I have walked a long 46 years in this life. I have suffered loss to suicide, divorce, a child who I haven’t seen in 7 years. She is now a young lady of 24 years old.

Jesus has taken all of that, that I held so tightly to. He loosened my grip, and took off my shackles. He set me free of the bondage of self. I am a loving testament of the unconditional love of Jesus Christ when we surrender our lives to Him. I am redeemed. I am not who I used to be, and that is all God in me! Jesus has given me back ten fold all I threw away in my selfishness. He is so faithful to complete the work he started. He has richly blessed my life, I still have pain. I now know I can get through anything with Jesus by my side. When I surrender my will, it doesn’t hurt so much! God has done for me often what I couldn’t do for myself.

Even if you have never prayed before, Jesus knows your heart. He knows what you are wanting to say before even you say it. Allow what burdens you carry today to be healed at the foot of the cross. Allow the suffrage to be taken by the loving hand of our creator!

God be with you all, I know life can be a lot. You are not alone nor do you have be. Let Jesus set you free to the healing of your heart! Allow a new life in Him to start, there is no time like the present!

Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Jesus said, “He who believes in Me will never die” (John 11:26)

Jesus has my life! I am his!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/11/19/healing/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Adrift no more, anchored at the cross she gets life abundant

Adrift she is not, for He touched that one very sweet spot. She grabbed for it as it was her last life. Sweet as a honey bee, and its nectar

He gave her a hand up from under the cloud covered all consuming of “I”. “Woe is me”, no more

Down the river she will never float again in fear of pulsating rapid’s, she does not live like she is immortal. Reckless abandon no more

She is anchored in the cross for there her sobriety wins, “one day at a time” a daily reprieve it must be

Adrift no more He took her very broken wings, and allowed them to soar singing with release fly

She is no longer choking upon her breath, He breathed a new life of breath in her. Death only at His hour, all power to Him

She is no longer in wander with lack of directional purpose, she is in the pursuit of God’s compass 

She has hope for her youth has been restored when He scooped her up from her own drown in her own self pity

Iniquity is not swallowed away with a gulp. An angry middle finger does not exist in protest. In his His throne room she lingers, she sits with hope. At His right hand there she can be found safe and of sound mind, sanity reigns. Insanity tossed at the foot of the cross

Adrift that is no longer a part of her life unless it is for recreational sport, for God took a spear in pierce of her heart

Adrift no more, He has wiped her slate clean of her fixaction. Tied down, anchored, clinging …”Stable” now that is not a word she thought would again be in her vocabulary

For God is her lifeline divine, and stability she found, adrift what is that? …she has been found! Abject to her own misery no more

2 Corinthians 5:17

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/11/18/abject

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Ours are not paper hearts

Heard you hopped a plane from Florida to Washington, this was it. It hit hard. I actually saw the airport photo of you on Instagram. With a guitar like always as your carry on. What a slam. The papers were served after 3 1/2 years of separation, and 21 years of marriage it would soon ALL be over

No minor children, or assets to split. Just look over the documents, and agree to it, and sign for dissolution of marriage. No happily ever after riding off in horse and carriage

It had been so long since we had seen one another. My heart was ill prepared for this kind of meeting. The encounter of what would finally be our end. My heart was split like a lumber jack standing with an axe in hand right down the middle. A perfect score. Ready to burn, it ached for us and all we had been through

I knew you did not have the means to file. Your papers sat stagnant in the Florida courts for years. The kids even begging for order, and closure. For awhile I was allowing God to still take precedence just for hopes pleasure there was still a chance at salvaging the wreckage. Hope was long gone as was the song played on our wedding day

Pastors teach divorce is worse than death, because there is no finality in it. Your dad was there the pastor himself, and the one who married us. Hearts lay baren, where we once took up rest in one another. What takes a lifetime to build was signed off in that of the matter of minutes with a pen and signature

Here it was the day to appear before the judge. My body was permeated with emotions all over the board. It had been 3 1/2 years since I had even seen you. So little conversation too. Our poor kids my heart could not fake, for God sake this was not how it was supposed to be. Bending to my knees. God prepare me for me this end. Give me poise, don’t allow me to fall apart

So they we were, the same members of our family from the beginning on our wedding day. You walking by a nod of your head, me just in shock. You looked so different. Your mom and dad followed behind. Your dad the only one saying hi. You looked like a rebellious child heeding to your father’s cohearsing. This was a day to mourn a marriage that was born 21 years prior. We were awaiting the death of what God had brought together. We failed our vows, and the cost was great. Sorrow was the hallway we sat in

Our names called the same names still, but soon to be different. As I entered a peace was brought over me. My thoughts so clear, as you were the closest in that chair next to me than we had been in years. I felt so little for you, I did not know you. There was no attachment to you, love for you was not provoked. We had become unequally yoked. How could this be? God was allowing me to let go, set ourselves free

All sworn in and papers looked over, irreconcilable differences. So cut and dry. I proceeded to hand the judge all the documents he needed. Now being signed, date stamped, and completed

The end was in my hand of that of a paper (a paper end). Marriage dissolved, I know longer belonged to him or him to me. We all stood to exit the court room. Never even said goodbye, barely even a glance just went on our way

I was grieved to see celebratory instragam photos that night in that of a wine bottle, and the comments too. This was not a day for celebration. A family torn apart, the Lord cried for our demise that day. Our children’s hearts were broken. Yet you take token 

There was no celebration to be had from me, just closure. Knowing it was now time to move on. With God taking over. This was not what he purposed for our family. All in that of a paper. Yet these were not paper hearts, ours all 4 were blood shed. Wounds not sparred. It started with well meaning hearts, all played out

“The End” she cries many tears for the years lost and memories shared

Dissolved, and over. Time to start over

“I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.”
—Joel 2:25 (ESV)

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/11/16/provoke