Posted in Writings from my heart

It is 12:36 p.m., and it feels like midnight. I am beyond exhausted. Home from my surgery…

So yesterday I had my final breast cancer surgery. My husband, and I were overwhelmed by the prayer response we got. I woke to texts, FB private messages all saying we are praying. As well they reassured us how much God had me. Which there was no doubt how very present he was.

I have such a very complicated health background. So when my double mastectomy went off without a hitch I was ecstatic to say the least. I was writing home to mama even though really she lives here, and I am able to call her on the phone. It just sounded sounded better to say that lol (more dramatic). Writing home to mama…😄

We knew the risks, complications, and just about all that goes into breast implants after a double mastectomy. Trust me we double, triple, and quadruple checked our information as well statistics. I am allergic to so many medications, and foods. This is decision was not taken lightly, or without fervent prayer.

My surgeon in all honesty after reading my prior health history told me his anxiety went up even thinking about the double mastectomy let alone putting implants of a foreign nature in my body. He in the end with us, after weighing heavily all options gave his approval. I went all summer with just above my average size breasts before my masectomy for the tissue expanders, which are what stretches my skin for the implants that are now my breasts.

So as I sit here everything at this moment looking back in retrospect everything went better than expected, and God answers prayers! Prayer is so powerful! I did have to have drain tubes that are producing very little blood. They will be taken out the morning of Christmas Eve if they keep producing less than 15 milliliters. Which I am pretty certain they will be.

So far what I see in the mirror I am excited about, I could have never have gone without breasts. The lack of sensation in my breast tissue has been quite enough for me to accept alone.

So now our prayer is for no post surgery infection, and number one on my list is SLEEP. I have the opposite reaction to anesthesia. Which is more common than realized. I have slept 2 1/2 hours since being home at 4 p.m. yesterday. I suffer from insomnia for about the first 3 days the anesthesia messes with my internal sleep clock. Which I am trying to keep my attitude in check since my “hot” wonderful husband was by the grace of God able to take a week off of work in care of me. So I smile when he walks by even though all I wish to do is scream “I need sleep”! I won’t do that though. I am going to try for small catnaps today. Which hasn’t happened yet.

I know the size of my breasts are to me perfect because it is the same cup size I was before they removed them. They are just more full as I am almost 47, and have had two children 24, and 22 years ago. So they just look happier. They may not be super natural, but I have breasts. I am free of breast cancer! I rode my mountain bike all summer with as much ease as you can with expanders that are the same as the implants I have now, but felt like a vice contraption. These implants are so much more natural feeling. The stretching of my skin that is so thin from the removal of my breasts, was very painful. It has all been worth it. This is not the route for every woman as each case is so individual to the woman. It is such a personal, and intimate path. So soon with God on our side this journey will all be in the rear view mirror. God has so done miracles in this body of mine. The surgeon said to my husband “if all my patients had as healthy of tissue as your wife it sure would make my job easier”.

All God none of me, I think not drinking has played a huge roll in that. Sobriety has served so many positive roles in my life. As well All God not me. I am just a willing participant in this journey of my life. Praise God for that. I show up for my life today!

We have meals for over a week, from a meal train my mom started. How very blessed we feel. The hardest part about this is not being able to hug our closet. When my mom came over the night before my surgery, with her soon to be fiancé to bring food. Saying goodbye without a hug was the hardest part. I teared up, and my heart felt sad. It has been too long of this social distancing from those who hold the closest places in our hearts!

So as I am finishing up this post, I am a very sleep deprived, extremely blessed woman. Who knows my creator God was present through this whole journey from diagnosis to now. If there are errors or anything confusing in this post please excuse me, as it is time to try one of those catnaps I am in desperate need of. As well my husband has not once left my side (he is a God send). He too is very emotionally drained. He is already snoring away next to me, hopefully that will be me soon enough. Except I don’t snore. Blessings All. Sorry for the long post..lots in my heart ❤️

Miss this the most!

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being. (Ephesians 3:14,16)

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

His…

I was stubborn in my own free will. You Lord saying yeild. Running from my helpers hand. He will make me strong in my stance. Giving me another chance. No more doing the same ol’ dance. Surrender

I was stubborn in my own free will, with my hand in His face, “ah Lord come on I so got this.” He was ready to dismantle my world. This one, she may take dynamite to wake her from her sleeping state. Sedated no more. Resonate

Shriveled ruins, my soul lay fractured. Defeated with alcoholic sin. All He wanted was me the prisoner held captive by my own riddled heart. Give up, give in. Stop fighting with Him who just wants to take hold upon your heart, and make you whole. Complete 

Disegration at what cost, for my souls loss? Stop running in, and of yourself. The world has nothing worthy especially at the price I was paying. Acceptance

A wandering heart with such strong will. I no longer had to have the desperation of a dying woman. A watchful eye, a comforting hand, a love to take cover in. Grip His hand in mine, plug your ears. This will not hurt, He will detonate the bomb that will blow that cell door right off. Stand back, there may be a few fragments for the cleanup. That will be a breeze, just hand all the broken pieces to Him. He will put you back together again. Resurrection

All the rubble left to barefeet for it is no trouble, no matter how tiny the shards. He will protect you from slivers fester. For now he takes charge. He is the reason. This was in purpose for no more in watch of your wither. Now you will stand upon the crumbled ground. Rebuild with Him as your foundation. More beautiful its creation than ever before. Taller, stronger, unable to penetrate. A full armor of Him, given in wardrobe. Sandals for your feet. Clothed, sheltered, and heart fortified. HIS

Oh, its madness to choose any other road; it is stark madness to think you will get adequate help anywhere in the universe apart from this divine Savior and Lord. ~George W. Truett

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/12/09/desperation/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Be careful what you pray for…😂🤙

Please let me add a disclaimer; I would like to explain this was my life as an alcoholic, married to an alcoholic. The insanity of the choices that were made, had no logic behind them. I still am able by the grace of God to find some humor in a few of our catastrophes.

My son had prayed for months every single night for a limousine, and sheep (yeah sheep kind of an odd prayer). I kid you not about 3 months after his continual prayer a super stretch limo pulled up in the round about out in front of our apt complex. My phone rang while in my hands, it was my then husband. “Look out window,” he said. What the…it was white with tinted windows, and it was a superstrech at that. He found this amusing as this was now our “family vehicle”. Bullet Hole decals in all its Glory. Lordy, Lordy! I would not have been surprised to have walked down, and find it full with sheep.

I told Eli to stop praying for such things. At first the kids were excited, it had purple velvet with L.E.D lights, a booming sound system, t.v., and could be equipped with any entertainment game system. Did I forget to mention the bar, oh yeah it had a bar. 

This limo screamed tacky. It was the worst purchase he had made yet. I still was in shock that the title read our names. No way I could drive it, the length alone would be a nightmare with my lack depth perception.  

So here are some very legit reasons besides the obvious a family should NEVER own limo..Unless you want to be a rapper. 🎧🎤

  1. Your kid gets asked if he is famous as he is dropped of at middle school, embarrassed to tell people that is his family car
  2. Your daughter gets hauled inside by the High School security guard. He proceeded to ask her who the man in the Fedora is that drives her to school in a limo. I mean really a Fedora, of course it was her pimp (I mean dad). He thought he was looser drug dealer. Wow! We made quite the impression.
  3. Dad leaves on a film shoot to Israel in the middle of winter, mom can’t drive it unless she wants vehicular homicide on her record.
  4. When traveling across the United States (which yes we did) it breaks down on a Mountian pass. Triple A comes to our aide claiming they can’t help, it is too long to go behind or on one of their trucks. Oh Crap!!
  5. When driving through small towns with a low clearance vehicle, and you cross over a rail rode tie leaving chunks of the car behind. Then having to Jimmy Rig it as no one in town knows what’s up.
  6. Your daughter is so embarrassed to be picked up in it she makes you park blocks away from her school. Even passing by without acknowledgment until her friends are long gone.
  7. Forget about going anywhere. Parking what is that?
  8. People honk, point, laugh, give the thumbs up. 👍ay! We are cool (not)!!
  9. The embarrassment when we do find a place we can go and instead of a Homecoming parade of girls trailing from behind the door it is a family of 4.

I think after all this was said, and done and we see it every now again around town making the prom pick up’s. I would rather own sheep. So what is the lesson learned? Be careful what you pray for😂! It is funny, yet depressing my kids do not tell this story. I almost deleted the picture, but where would the fun be in that!!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/11/30/explain/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

“Yes Lord I am here” underneath all this earth

Reaching from under the rubble, my own stinch making me sick

Glazed over eyes, grasping at straws. Dark no light Clausterphopia setting in

Life so raw, I just wanted to be buried in my sleep. Fast asleep in the deep beneathe the earth

Should I have been surprised when He whispered my name echoing through the broken dirt

Dust breaths, “yes Lord I hear you”

His voice so distant, but yes he was there hollow his voice bouncing from the ground that encased my body

My rescuer has sought me, to take my hand to free me from the rubble, alcohol no longer my idol. A faitour it was, but the good Lord has won. Imposter slithered away

The breath I breathe today is clean, crisp, and not lacking any oxygen

In my enibraition He gave me a taste of what it was like to breathe a new breath of life, my taste buds were on fire with desire of Him

He was no longer far, he was right there at my aide. I could see again, I could taste again. It was more than good!! It was His saving grace, His face

Psalm 34:8
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/13/11/faitour

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

My clock was a little broken, and I sat unspoken. Silent and still

Looking back many years now passed. Thank God no crypt was waiting, I refused to go back under ground, or drown in that bottle

My clock had been off, my feet missing the beat. The second hand fell off beneathe the glass. I could not tell the hour. The power of my will, Lord please let it die. I cried out

Walking a little out of sync, trying to find the rhythm to my rhyme

Integrating God as the cornerstone of this odd passage in my life. If I only had a dime for every time God’s will was so very different than mine

Jesus take the wheel, I don’t wish to take a spill. My life was spinning round, that clock was enough to drive me mad. That stupid second hand

I sit here in awe at the Mystery of God’s will. I was tested, proven sober. More alcohol placed in front of my face then water. The devil tried to toy with me, and he did not succeed

An alcoholics worst night mare, my sobriety was put on the line. Beer stein shoved in my face. God poured out His grace. I walked away every time without a sip

Nipping it in the bud, back to AA and surrounding myself with good. I got a little lost. My heart took quite a push

When push came to shove Jesus as always just drenched me in His uncondtional love. No more unhealthy people, just the church and its steeple

Time I got that second hand fixed, and synchronize my life with His. It is such a cool watch, one I wished to wear. The second hand fixed, so I never miss a beat. Nor fall from my feet, seek Jesus at the cross where none gets lost or overlooked 

Sober I stand after tested relentlessly, my mind almost went mad. The struggles of an alcoholic, thank God I did not touch that poisoness tonic

Thank you Jesus for watching over me, and nudging hard my heart. For that part in my heart broken yet again. No more tail spin. With you please until the end. For this life is temporary, I don’t want to miss a single beat. For only you let me seek 

My clock was a little broken, and I have sat unspoken. Silent and still. Satan wanted His kill to no prevail

Jesus won! Check one for my savior who brought me out of danger, did a little open heart sugery. Purging anything not of him. He wins, and I have life. I love going under the knife after hard life’s strife. Synchronized!

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/10/27/crypt

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Recovery, a daily one day at time walk to remain sober is in order

I am a recovering alcoholic, I will always be an alcoholic. I have God, and a recovery program that helps me “one day at time” live life on lives terms.

I could not have imagined even an hour without a drink, let alone a few. 24 hours seemed nearly impossible. Here I sit with 7 years, and 2 plus months of continual sobriety.

I lived to drink, and drank to live. Anything not to feel. My whole life became a lie. I was deceptive, a thief, and my heart was calloused.

I woke up putting alcohol in my coffee (oh the thought how gross), and I thought I had everyone fooled. With breath that reeked, and words slurred. I was so far from the God I once adored. The shame I felt, was killing me. My life was held on by a thread. A thread, that at any moment was about to snap. I was in a place of complete incomprehensible demoralization. I was spiritually sick, and made myself insane. Every drink made me a little further from who I once was. How could I stop?

It came down to a very broken moment, a prayer that God would take this drink problem away from me. I was made very ill, which was not usually the case. I had the shakes uncontrollably, and the years of shame showered over me. I prayed for God to relieve of the bondage of self. I was on the run so very long. I was weary, my heart so tired.

That began what is now 7 plus years of sobriety. I have a daily reprieve with my loving God, and a program that too holds me accountable. It reaches in to the depth, and is the solution. Alcohol is, but a symptom. So I these two go hand in hand.

I can’t have sobriety without God, and without sobriety there is no God. So I have to keep my spiritual house clean. The cobweb is gone, but the spider is still there. There is nothing a drink will not make worse. I attend meetings regularly, and yes it is a program based off of anonymity. I chose to share my story. That is my choice.

All by the grace of God, and one day at time I get to be sober. God has to be my priority. God has to be my number 1, and I feel my program is a gift from God. I can’t ever forget where I came from, and humble is my feat. For there in an instant there goes I…

Step Twelve
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

All by the grace of God
One day at a time
Recovery is possible!

I am a miracle, I get to be part of a world of people of miracles just like me!

Sober is me just for today!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/18/10/recovery

Posted in Writings from my heart

National Recovery Month: We do recover

September is National Recovery month. This is my daddy William Michael O’Day.

Forever a daddy’s girl

At the age of 9 under the influence of alcohol he called my mom on the phone, and killed himself. He was mentally, and spiritually ill, just as I was 7 years ago. We don’t have to be a William. We do recover! I will forever be a daddy’s girl, and when I reached the point of incomprehensible demoralization it helped me forgive his selfishness for taking his life. For I was just as sick as him. Today I am free, and I know I am powerless over alcohol. It is “one day at time” and solely dependent on my spiritual house. Today it is clean, I have to work to keep it this way! Reach out for help if you are lost, or feeling there is no light in your world. There are so many of us out there that can, and will help! We do recover! In memory of William Michael O’Day 10/13/52-4/11/1983, I will love you forever!

Side note; I am, and will always be an alcoholic. I just know how to not have to drink today. This is “one day at time”. It up to me to stay spiritually well. It is up to me to know what tools I need to be sober in my sobriety. Life happens, and heartache comes. I don’t have to drink if I keep a conscious contact with God. I am powerless over alcohol, but God has all power to keep me from taking that drink. The spider is dead, but the cobweb is still there. I have a daily reprieve to keep the spider from waking. I know today there is nothing a drink will not make worse. If you have reached a point of insanity, which is where I was. I had no peace or serenity in my life, but it is possible. Reach out to someone, pick up your phone. Recovery can happen, and you too can find the serenity in your life. Don’t let something have power over you, and destroy your life. Alcohol is but a symptom, and their is a solution. God could and would if he were sought…seeking daily!

(1). I admitted I was powerless over alcohol (2). Came to believe that a power greater than myself (God) could restore me to sanity (3). Made A Decision To Turn My Will And My Life Over To The Care Of God As I Understood Him.

My daddy on the left. He climbed Mt. Rainier 7 times in his 30 years here on earth. He was an outdoor enthusiast
We do recover
Posted in Writings from my heart

Porcelain Doll

Porcelain doll, so dainty and fair. How long have you been sitting in there?

High upon the top shelf of the lit curio cabinet, I see you are scatched and dirty

You are definitely a sight Amoungst the reburished dolls, they are so pretty. Gleaning white. I bet you were just as them at one time, a doll makers delight

Your eye sits out of socket, you’re a little twisted in your posture. Not beyond repair, I see you sitting you are not beyond my stare

Porcelain doll, so dainty and fair. How long have you been in sitting there?

I imagine with all the dust fallen in your hair, it has been awhile. You’re not groomed or styled like the rest

I bet you are one that holds much value, and history too. I can see my hands taking great pride in you. A new stiched outfit, your hair with a soft curl around your little face

I will buff you, and shine you back to your prime, and put you back in place. Antique, you are. Priceless, I as a doll collector I see your value. I look pass the grease smudges on your face. I see you white as snow in its place

When my hands are finished with the making of you new I will place you back upon the top shelf. You will no longer lean on the one sitting next to you. You will stand with elegance. Every eye transfixed to the top shelf, where you are no longer tarnished

Porcelain doll so dainty and fair, look at her skin glowing white, almost translucent. She is near perfect. Her cheeks soft pink with matching lips too. I wonder who takes claim, who’s hands does this doll belong too? Famous hands I trust with the look of that of a near perfect touch

White as snow, white as snow, thought my sins were as scarlet,
Lord I know, Lord I know, that I’m clean and forgiven.
Through the power of Your blood, through the wonder of Your love,
through faith in you I know that I can be
white as snow. Maranatha Music

Phillipians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion

This is me, I am the Porcelain Doll I write of
Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

How great my Father’s love for me

I have this picture of what it was like then, and what it is like now. It is a mental note of how great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. How he reached beyond the rubble, the edged shards of glass, and the pool of blood I lie in. Drenched with self pity, and cold. Malice had run deep with each drink I took. Locked in the tiniest nook inside my head. I was dead, I felt nothing

I was a crazed maniac in an alcoholic induced state of incomprehensible demoralization. I had become unrecognizable to the people who knew me best. My own mother who gave birth to me, would have passed me by as just another person she did not have any know of. My kids they did not wish to claim me as their mother, and I don’t blame them. I was an embarrassment to their own identity that they themselves were still trying hard to find at their vulnerable ages. I was a bottom feeder drunk, and had run out of luck

I have this picture of what it was like then, and what it is like now. I had all my body parts in tact, no cancers inside me. Then the day came that all changed. I was a bit in shock, even though at 46 years of age I had been dealing with my breast health since my early 20’s. My husband, and I sat hand in hand trying to understand what was coming our way. There just was no way to prepare for such a thing this as this. I had to have a double mastectomy during Covid-19. I had 8 drain tubes upon waking from this tragic event. I knew God had spared my life, and gave me life once again free from my alcoholic burial. I had 6 plus years of spiritual health, and so much hope. I was a fighter. I had God as my ultimate surgeon in both of these drastic stages in my life. One time doing open heart surgery on me, and cleansing the inside of my heart. The second doing a phenomenal healing on my physical being after my breasts were removed, and the beginning of a partial reconstruction was is place. The cancer had not spread, my lymph node surgery came back clear. How near God was, and I am prodded in these times in my journey of life how great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. I just have to keep on keeping on. There have been highs, and lows in this time after surgery. God has been so faithful to meet me. I can remember trying to hang curtains, something that came so easy for me before my surgery. I just couldn’t do it, I sat on my living room floor sobbing. Really blubbering. My emotions were so out of whack. I was a crack

How great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. I have had so many people come along side me in both stages of my life, as my biggest cheerleaders. I have a huge list of prayer warriors who pray for me daily. I can call upon them when I feel a little under the weather. It is God’s umbrella of protection, when I surrender daily He will do for me what I can’t do for myself. He will help me see the superwoman strength I did not even know I had, to over come anything that comes my way. Their is nothing a drink will not make worse. I am a fighter, and the hope I have today is as indescribable as His love for me is. I have so much to live for even on my worst day. My worst day now is better than best day drunk. I truly stunk, and now the fragrance that comes from me arouses the senses of the finest

I am reminded daily I can never forget where I came from, and how very far God has brought me. How great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. No I am not getting all teary as I write, okay yes maybe a little. I have never had a love such as His! He died for me, that I may have life if I believe. I can’t imagine a day without Him to go to with my EVERYTHING!

Not all can do this post double mastectomy this soon, I am healing phenomenally! Praise God!

Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/08/19/remind/