You’ve got the wrong door, just for today…

I don’t drink like a lady. All it takes is one sip, and I am off to the races. That bottle in wait to rape my innocence, me oblivious. As well I will gladly take you with me to my self made hell. Oh well

Smite with each drip. Sipped turned to pour, turned to guzzle like a whore

I don’t drink like a lady. My inhibitions loose. My heart calloused, and the desires of the world worn like a string pearls

Smite I don’t drink like a lady, there just isn’t enough. As much as I was knocked down a notch with each drip I didn’t give a sh*&! As long as I couldn’t feel. Waited for its kill, the thrill

I don’t drink like a lady. Forgetting my title as wife, and mother. Slurred colorful language that usually was never heard my tongue did not hesitate. I hurt so I wanted you to hurt

Smite I don’t live there anymore. I gave up that bottle of self pity. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I envy not that prison within anymore. My chains are broke. The old woman inside of me I don’t have to be. Her day is long dead, and gone. I am redeemed…

Smite no more, today I am am free of the alcoholic whore. Grace He poured, and I drink it deep within my skin. One day at a time, I am free of my alcoholic spiritually ill suffering

Smite I don’t live there anymore, you’ve got the wrong damn door

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2021/06/02/smite

I break bread today, not wine

Let me tell ya why I am bodacious today. A beautiful display of God’s love here in my story, glory be His name!

I have this ashes to beauty story that began very early on in my childhood(always wanting to be numb), and this finally came to a halt 7 1/2 years ago now.

I am bodacious about my God. Without Him I could not have admitted how powerless over alcohol I am. I could not have realized life is so much more simple when I turn it all over to Him, and let Him run the show. Let go, let God. Really that simple.

I am bodacious about my recovery. Which really the two go hand in hand. Without God I don’t have recovery, and without recovery the last thing I am in yearn for is God.

So I am a proud recovering alcoholic, who works a program of recovery with God daily in my life. I wake up, and turn it all over to God every single day. For if one day goes by I don’t do this, I might as well know it is not going to be a very peace filled day. I am simply bodacious for I am free today. That grave that was marked, and etched with my name no longer pulls me near. I am armed with the proper gear today to keep me from my own hands being my demise. One day at a time.

I don’t listen to the lies that bottle tells, all tall tales. It is 100% fail proof. Insanity, and incomprehensible demoralization with each guzzle. Muzzled! That bottle is full of decay to fill each soul full. The ones who can’t just drink one, that bottle wishes to kill that’s me. We just can’t get our fill. If spiritually ill, I have no defense. I am not exempt, I have to remain spiritually fit. Tip top shape, with my God day after day I must stay. Bodacious for my story is beast to beauty.

I break bread today, not wine. For today the bread of life keeps me whole. I will stand at the highest mountain top with the most bodacious love story that Jesus has for me. Echoing for all to hear, Jesus took a wretch like me. He brought me to my knees, and restored me back to sanity.

Ashes to beauty is my story! For my God gets all the glory! I am just a willing body, and I know what I must do to remain bodacious about my God who gifted me recovery!

And he took bread, and gave thanks, and brake it, and gave unto them, saying, This is my body which is given for you: this do in remembrance of me. Luke 22:19

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2021/05/14/bodacious/

Abstinence is a must for me

I was the alcoholic who tried to so call “stop drinking” all too many times to no avail. I switched from Whiskey to Wine, I tried drinking only on the weekends. I tried weaning myself off of what I knew was surely killing me, as well making me insane. Although I could never not have it in my house, that was not an option for this drunk. How would I live without it! I couldn’t imagine.

I didn’t know how to stop drinking. I drank to live, and lived to drink. My eyes were blind, and heart was calloused. My blood had run cold, and my life was getting old. I was getting sick, and tired of being sick and tired. It was so progressive for me. I get why they say it is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Each drink made me more deaf, blind, and dumb than the drink before. Yet still I poured.

This alcoholic poison came before my God, my husband, kids, job, it literally became my all. Nothing else mattered except chasing the booze. So than I could snooze into my numb state. I always thought what if it wore off enough that I felt. Kneeling, groveling for more. I willed myself through that tonic not to feel ever.

The only answer I could find was in the room of Alcoholic’s Anonymous. It was the solution, it offered me a new way of life. When I entered through the doors I had the desperation of a dying woman willing to do whatever it took to become sober, and live this new way of life. Experience, strength, and hope of the others carried me to see this too could be me.

For me to drink is to die, this disease is progressive. If I get to August it will be 8 years sober for me. Yet this disease is still doing push ups. It wants to kill me. It wants me to give up. Give in yet again, and drink it into my skin.

I daily have to be willing to turn my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. Let Him run the show. Give Him ALL of me. It is a gift today! It is a must.

I have to be ABSTEMIOUS, better yet I have to be completely abstinent from alcohol. One drink is too many a thousand not enough”. This is 100 percent the kind of drinker I am, I am an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol, and my life had become unmanageable in every way.

I can’t ever forget where I come from, and what got me into the rooms. I earned that chair, and I go with great eagerness today. Meetings are by choice. I don’t want to lose what has been gifted to me in these last few years. Sober truly is a beautiful life. It’s not always easy, but it isn’t as complicated as my life when I was a drunk. I am not stuck.

All by the grace of God I chose to live in the solution, and remain abstinent from alcohol. That bottle for me, will take me to my grave. I will be the lady on the side of street flagging people for money. It’s so not funny, there goes I.

Thank you Jesus for opening my eyes to the prize that sits in the Book with the steps, and principles to live by. Meetings will always be a part of my life, and I have to remember to not become complacent. Ego will kill me, and resentments will to.

So I will continue to surrender myself to that chair, and say “hi my name is Lisa, and I am an alcoholic”.

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2021/04/27/abstemious/

It is 12:36 p.m., and it feels like midnight. I am beyond exhausted. Home from my surgery…

So yesterday I had my final breast cancer surgery. My husband, and I were overwhelmed by the prayer response we got. I woke to texts, FB private messages all saying we are praying. As well they reassured us how much God had me. Which there was no doubt how very present he was.

I have such a very complicated health background. So when my double mastectomy went off without a hitch I was ecstatic to say the least. I was writing home to mama even though really she lives here, and I am able to call her on the phone. It just sounded sounded better to say that lol (more dramatic). Writing home to mama…😄

We knew the risks, complications, and just about all that goes into breast implants after a double mastectomy. Trust me we double, triple, and quadruple checked our information as well statistics. I am allergic to so many medications, and foods. This is decision was not taken lightly, or without fervent prayer.

My surgeon in all honesty after reading my prior health history told me his anxiety went up even thinking about the double mastectomy let alone putting implants of a foreign nature in my body. He in the end with us, after weighing heavily all options gave his approval. I went all summer with just above my average size breasts before my masectomy for the tissue expanders, which are what stretches my skin for the implants that are now my breasts.

So as I sit here everything at this moment looking back in retrospect everything went better than expected, and God answers prayers! Prayer is so powerful! I did have to have drain tubes that are producing very little blood. They will be taken out the morning of Christmas Eve if they keep producing less than 15 milliliters. Which I am pretty certain they will be.

So far what I see in the mirror I am excited about, I could have never have gone without breasts. The lack of sensation in my breast tissue has been quite enough for me to accept alone.

So now our prayer is for no post surgery infection, and number one on my list is SLEEP. I have the opposite reaction to anesthesia. Which is more common than realized. I have slept 2 1/2 hours since being home at 4 p.m. yesterday. I suffer from insomnia for about the first 3 days the anesthesia messes with my internal sleep clock. Which I am trying to keep my attitude in check since my “hot” wonderful husband was by the grace of God able to take a week off of work in care of me. So I smile when he walks by even though all I wish to do is scream “I need sleep”! I won’t do that though. I am going to try for small catnaps today. Which hasn’t happened yet.

I know the size of my breasts are to me perfect because it is the same cup size I was before they removed them. They are just more full as I am almost 47, and have had two children 24, and 22 years ago. So they just look happier. They may not be super natural, but I have breasts. I am free of breast cancer! I rode my mountain bike all summer with as much ease as you can with expanders that are the same as the implants I have now, but felt like a vice contraption. These implants are so much more natural feeling. The stretching of my skin that is so thin from the removal of my breasts, was very painful. It has all been worth it. This is not the route for every woman as each case is so individual to the woman. It is such a personal, and intimate path. So soon with God on our side this journey will all be in the rear view mirror. God has so done miracles in this body of mine. The surgeon said to my husband “if all my patients had as healthy of tissue as your wife it sure would make my job easier”.

All God none of me, I think not drinking has played a huge roll in that. Sobriety has served so many positive roles in my life. As well All God not me. I am just a willing participant in this journey of my life. Praise God for that. I show up for my life today!

We have meals for over a week, from a meal train my mom started. How very blessed we feel. The hardest part about this is not being able to hug our closet. When my mom came over the night before my surgery, with her soon to be fiancé to bring food. Saying goodbye without a hug was the hardest part. I teared up, and my heart felt sad. It has been too long of this social distancing from those who hold the closest places in our hearts!

So as I am finishing up this post, I am a very sleep deprived, extremely blessed woman. Who knows my creator God was present through this whole journey from diagnosis to now. If there are errors or anything confusing in this post please excuse me, as it is time to try one of those catnaps I am in desperate need of. As well my husband has not once left my side (he is a God send). He too is very emotionally drained. He is already snoring away next to me, hopefully that will be me soon enough. Except I don’t snore. Blessings All. Sorry for the long post..lots in my heart ❤️

Miss this the most!

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being. (Ephesians 3:14,16)

His…

I was stubborn in my own free will. You Lord saying yeild. Running from my helpers hand. He will make me strong in my stance. Giving me another chance. No more doing the same ol’ dance. Surrender

I was stubborn in my own free will, with my hand in His face, “ah Lord come on I so got this.” He was ready to dismantle my world. This one, she may take dynamite to wake her from her sleeping state. Sedated no more. Resonate

Shriveled ruins, my soul lay fractured. Defeated with alcoholic sin. All He wanted was me the prisoner held captive by my own riddled heart. Give up, give in. Stop fighting with Him who just wants to take hold upon your heart, and make you whole. Complete 

Disegration at what cost, for my souls loss? Stop running in, and of yourself. The world has nothing worthy especially at the price I was paying. Acceptance

A wandering heart with such strong will. I no longer had to have the desperation of a dying woman. A watchful eye, a comforting hand, a love to take cover in. Grip His hand in mine, plug your ears. This will not hurt, He will detonate the bomb that will blow that cell door right off. Stand back, there may be a few fragments for the cleanup. That will be a breeze, just hand all the broken pieces to Him. He will put you back together again. Resurrection

All the rubble left to barefeet for it is no trouble, no matter how tiny the shards. He will protect you from slivers fester. For now he takes charge. He is the reason. This was in purpose for no more in watch of your wither. Now you will stand upon the crumbled ground. Rebuild with Him as your foundation. More beautiful its creation than ever before. Taller, stronger, unable to penetrate. A full armor of Him, given in wardrobe. Sandals for your feet. Clothed, sheltered, and heart fortified. HIS

Oh, its madness to choose any other road; it is stark madness to think you will get adequate help anywhere in the universe apart from this divine Savior and Lord. ~George W. Truett

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/12/09/desperation/

Be careful what you pray for…😂🤙

Please let me add a disclaimer; I would like to explain this was my life as an alcoholic, married to an alcoholic. The insanity of the choices that were made, had no logic behind them. I still am able by the grace of God to find some humor in a few of our catastrophes.

My son had prayed for months every single night for a limousine, and sheep (yeah sheep kind of an odd prayer). I kid you not about 3 months after his continual prayer a super stretch limo pulled up in the round about out in front of our apt complex. My phone rang while in my hands, it was my then husband. “Look out window,” he said. What the…it was white with tinted windows, and it was a superstrech at that. He found this amusing as this was now our “family vehicle”. Bullet Hole decals in all its Glory. Lordy, Lordy! I would not have been surprised to have walked down, and find it full with sheep.

I told Eli to stop praying for such things. At first the kids were excited, it had purple velvet with L.E.D lights, a booming sound system, t.v., and could be equipped with any entertainment game system. Did I forget to mention the bar, oh yeah it had a bar. 

This limo screamed tacky. It was the worst purchase he had made yet. I still was in shock that the title read our names. No way I could drive it, the length alone would be a nightmare with my lack depth perception.  

So here are some very legit reasons besides the obvious a family should NEVER own limo..Unless you want to be a rapper. 🎧🎤

  1. Your kid gets asked if he is famous as he is dropped of at middle school, embarrassed to tell people that is his family car
  2. Your daughter gets hauled inside by the High School security guard. He proceeded to ask her who the man in the Fedora is that drives her to school in a limo. I mean really a Fedora, of course it was her pimp (I mean dad). He thought he was looser drug dealer. Wow! We made quite the impression.
  3. Dad leaves on a film shoot to Israel in the middle of winter, mom can’t drive it unless she wants vehicular homicide on her record.
  4. When traveling across the United States (which yes we did) it breaks down on a Mountian pass. Triple A comes to our aide claiming they can’t help, it is too long to go behind or on one of their trucks. Oh Crap!!
  5. When driving through small towns with a low clearance vehicle, and you cross over a rail rode tie leaving chunks of the car behind. Then having to Jimmy Rig it as no one in town knows what’s up.
  6. Your daughter is so embarrassed to be picked up in it she makes you park blocks away from her school. Even passing by without acknowledgment until her friends are long gone.
  7. Forget about going anywhere. Parking what is that?
  8. People honk, point, laugh, give the thumbs up. 👍ay! We are cool (not)!!
  9. The embarrassment when we do find a place we can go and instead of a Homecoming parade of girls trailing from behind the door it is a family of 4.

I think after all this was said, and done and we see it every now again around town making the prom pick up’s. I would rather own sheep. So what is the lesson learned? Be careful what you pray for😂! It is funny, yet depressing my kids do not tell this story. I almost deleted the picture, but where would the fun be in that!!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/11/30/explain/

“Yes Lord I am here” underneath all this earth

Reaching from under the rubble, my own stinch making me sick

Glazed over eyes, grasping at straws. Dark no light Clausterphopia setting in

Life so raw, I just wanted to be buried in my sleep. Fast asleep in the deep beneathe the earth

Should I have been surprised when He whispered my name echoing through the broken dirt

Dust breaths, “yes Lord I hear you”

His voice so distant, but yes he was there hollow his voice bouncing from the ground that encased my body

My rescuer has sought me, to take my hand to free me from the rubble, alcohol no longer my idol. A faitour it was, but the good Lord has won. Imposter slithered away

The breath I breathe today is clean, crisp, and not lacking any oxygen

In my enibraition He gave me a taste of what it was like to breathe a new breath of life, my taste buds were on fire with desire of Him

He was no longer far, he was right there at my aide. I could see again, I could taste again. It was more than good!! It was His saving grace, His face

Psalm 34:8
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/13/11/faitour

My clock was a little broken, and I sat unspoken. Silent and still

Looking back many years now passed. Thank God no crypt was waiting, I refused to go back under ground, or drown in that bottle

My clock had been off, my feet missing the beat. The second hand fell off beneathe the glass. I could not tell the hour. The power of my will, Lord please let it die. I cried out

Walking a little out of sync, trying to find the rhythm to my rhyme

Integrating God as the cornerstone of this odd passage in my life. If I only had a dime for every time God’s will was so very different than mine

Jesus take the wheel, I don’t wish to take a spill. My life was spinning round, that clock was enough to drive me mad. That stupid second hand

I sit here in awe at the Mystery of God’s will. I was tested, proven sober. More alcohol placed in front of my face then water. The devil tried to toy with me, and he did not succeed

An alcoholics worst night mare, my sobriety was put on the line. Beer stein shoved in my face. God poured out His grace. I walked away every time without a sip

Nipping it in the bud, back to AA and surrounding myself with good. I got a little lost. My heart took quite a push

When push came to shove Jesus as always just drenched me in His uncondtional love. No more unhealthy people, just the church and its steeple

Time I got that second hand fixed, and synchronize my life with His. It is such a cool watch, one I wished to wear. The second hand fixed, so I never miss a beat. Nor fall from my feet, seek Jesus at the cross where none gets lost or overlooked 

Sober I stand after tested relentlessly, my mind almost went mad. The struggles of an alcoholic, thank God I did not touch that poisoness tonic

Thank you Jesus for watching over me, and nudging hard my heart. For that part in my heart broken yet again. No more tail spin. With you please until the end. For this life is temporary, I don’t want to miss a single beat. For only you let me seek 

My clock was a little broken, and I have sat unspoken. Silent and still. Satan wanted His kill to no prevail

Jesus won! Check one for my savior who brought me out of danger, did a little open heart sugery. Purging anything not of him. He wins, and I have life. I love going under the knife after hard life’s strife. Synchronized!

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/10/27/crypt

Recovery, a daily one day at time walk to remain sober is in order

I am a recovering alcoholic, I will always be an alcoholic. I have God, and a recovery program that helps me “one day at time” live life on lives terms.

I could not have imagined even an hour without a drink, let alone a few. 24 hours seemed nearly impossible. Here I sit with 7 years, and 2 plus months of continual sobriety.

I lived to drink, and drank to live. Anything not to feel. My whole life became a lie. I was deceptive, a thief, and my heart was calloused.

I woke up putting alcohol in my coffee (oh the thought how gross), and I thought I had everyone fooled. With breath that reeked, and words slurred. I was so far from the God I once adored. The shame I felt, was killing me. My life was held on by a thread. A thread, that at any moment was about to snap. I was in a place of complete incomprehensible demoralization. I was spiritually sick, and made myself insane. Every drink made me a little further from who I once was. How could I stop?

It came down to a very broken moment, a prayer that God would take this drink problem away from me. I was made very ill, which was not usually the case. I had the shakes uncontrollably, and the years of shame showered over me. I prayed for God to relieve of the bondage of self. I was on the run so very long. I was weary, my heart so tired.

That began what is now 7 plus years of sobriety. I have a daily reprieve with my loving God, and a program that too holds me accountable. It reaches in to the depth, and is the solution. Alcohol is, but a symptom. So I these two go hand in hand.

I can’t have sobriety without God, and without sobriety there is no God. So I have to keep my spiritual house clean. The cobweb is gone, but the spider is still there. There is nothing a drink will not make worse. I attend meetings regularly, and yes it is a program based off of anonymity. I chose to share my story. That is my choice.

All by the grace of God, and one day at time I get to be sober. God has to be my priority. God has to be my number 1, and I feel my program is a gift from God. I can’t ever forget where I came from, and humble is my feat. For there in an instant there goes I…

Step Twelve
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

All by the grace of God
One day at a time
Recovery is possible!

I am a miracle, I get to be part of a world of people of miracles just like me!

Sober is me just for today!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/18/10/recovery