September is National Recovery month. This is my daddy William Michael O’Day.
At the age of 9 under the influence of alcohol he called my mom on the phone, and killed himself. He was mentally, and spiritually ill, just as I was 7 years ago. We don’t have to be a William. We do recover! I will forever be a daddy’s girl, and when I reached the point of incomprehensible demoralization it helped me forgive his selfishness for taking his life. For I was just as sick as him. Today I am free, and I know I am powerless over alcohol. It is “one day at time” and solely dependent on my spiritual house. Today it is clean, I have to work to keep it this way! Reach out for help if you are lost, or feeling there is no light in your world. There are so many of us out there that can, and will help! We do recover! In memory of William Michael O’Day 10/13/52-4/11/1983, I will love you forever!
Side note; I am, and will always be an alcoholic. I just know how to not have to drink today. This is “one day at time”. It up to me to stay spiritually well. It is up to me to know what tools I need to be sober in my sobriety. Life happens, and heartache comes. I don’t have to drink if I keep a conscious contact with God. I am powerless over alcohol, but God has all power to keep me from taking that drink. The spider is dead, but the cobweb is still there. I have a daily reprieve to keep the spider from waking. I know today there is nothing a drink will not make worse. If you have reached a point of insanity, which is where I was. I had no peace or serenity in my life, but it is possible. Reach out to someone, pick up your phone. Recovery can happen, and you too can find the serenity in your life. Don’t let something have power over you, and destroy your life. Alcohol is but a symptom, and their is a solution. God could and would if he were sought…seeking daily!
(1). I admitted I was powerless over alcohol (2). Came to believe that a power greater than myself (God) could restore me to sanity (3). Made A Decision To Turn My Will And My Life Over To The Care Of God As I Understood Him.
Porcelain doll, so dainty and fair. How long have you been sitting in there?
High upon the top shelf of the lit curio cabinet, I see you are scatched and dirty
You are definitely a sight Amoungst the reburished dolls, they are so pretty. Gleaning white. I bet you were just as them at one time, a doll makers delight
Your eye sits out of socket, you’re a little twisted in your posture. Not beyond repair, I see you sitting you are not beyond my stare
Porcelain doll, so dainty and fair. How long have you been in sitting there?
I imagine with all the dust fallen in your hair, it has been awhile. You’re not groomed or styled like the rest
I bet you are one that holds much value, and history too. I can see my hands taking great pride in you. A new stiched outfit, your hair with a soft curl around your little face
I will buff you, and shine you back to your prime, and put you back in place. Antique, you are. Priceless, I as a doll collector I see your value. I look pass the grease smudges on your face. I see you white as snow in its place
When my hands are finished with the making of you new I will place you back upon the top shelf. You will no longer lean on the one sitting next to you. You will stand with elegance. Every eye transfixed to the top shelf, where you are no longer tarnished
Porcelain doll so dainty and fair, look at her skin glowing white, almost translucent. She is near perfect. Her cheeks soft pink with matching lips too. I wonder who takes claim, who’s hands does this doll belong too? Famous hands I trust with the look of that of a near perfect touch
White as snow, white as snow, thought my sins were as scarlet, Lord I know, Lord I know, that I’m clean and forgiven. Through the power of Your blood, through the wonder of Your love, through faith in you I know that I can be white as snow. Maranatha Music
Phillipians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion
I have this picture of what it was like then, and what it is like now. It is a mental note of how great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. How he reached beyond the rubble, the edged shards of glass, and the pool of blood I lie in. Drenched with self pity, and cold. Malice had run deep with each drink I took. Locked in the tiniest nook inside my head. I was dead, I felt nothing
I was a crazed maniac in an alcoholic induced state of incomprehensible demoralization. I had become unrecognizable to the people who knew me best. My own mother who gave birth to me, would have passed me by as just another person she did not have any know of. My kids they did not wish to claim me as their mother, and I don’t blame them. I was an embarrassment to their own identity that they themselves were still trying hard to find at their vulnerable ages. I was a bottom feeder drunk, and had run out of luck
I have this picture of what it was like then, and what it is like now. I had all my body parts in tact, no cancers inside me. Then the day came that all changed. I was a bit in shock, even though at 46 years of age I had been dealing with my breast health since my early 20’s. My husband, and I sat hand in hand trying to understand what was coming our way. There just was no way to prepare for such a thing this as this. I had to have a double mastectomy during Covid-19. I had 8 drain tubes upon waking from this tragic event. I knew God had spared my life, and gave me life once again free from my alcoholic burial. I had 6 plus years of spiritual health, and so much hope. I was a fighter. I had God as my ultimate surgeon in both of these drastic stages in my life. One time doing open heart surgery on me, and cleansing the inside of my heart. The second doing a phenomenal healing on my physical being after my breasts were removed, and the beginning of a partial reconstruction was is place. The cancer had not spread, my lymph node surgery came back clear. How near God was, and I am prodded in these times in my journey of life how great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. I just have to keep on keeping on. There have been highs, and lows in this time after surgery. God has been so faithful to meet me. I can remember trying to hang curtains, something that came so easy for me before my surgery. I just couldn’t do it, I sat on my living room floor sobbing. Really blubbering. My emotions were so out of whack. I was a crack
How great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. I have had so many people come along side me in both stages of my life, as my biggest cheerleaders. I have a huge list of prayer warriors who pray for me daily. I can call upon them when I feel a little under the weather. It is God’s umbrella of protection, when I surrender daily He will do for me what I can’t do for myself. He will help me see the superwoman strength I did not even know I had, to over come anything that comes my way. Their is nothing a drink will not make worse. I am a fighter, and the hope I have today is as indescribable as His love for me is. I have so much to live for even on my worst day. My worst day now is better than best day drunk. I truly stunk, and now the fragrance that comes from me arouses the senses of the finest
I am reminded daily I can never forget where I came from, and how very far God has brought me. How great my Father’s love for me is, how sweet His gracious hand extends to the weary. No I am not getting all teary as I write, okay yes maybe a little. I have never had a love such as His! He died for me, that I may have life if I believe. I can’t imagine a day without Him to go to with my EVERYTHING!
Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5
I don’t play the clown gloating with makeup thinking for a second that if my spiritual house is not up to spec that next drink is not just a fingers length from me yet
I don’t play the jokester I know the spider is dead, but the cob web is still there waiting for its black widow, one brush with that venom I will be dead. My spirit must thrive on all that is alive, and serene so my spiritual house stays clean
I don’t play the harlequin it is not a good look on me. My alcoholism is doing push-ups waiting for me to have a hiccup to unbearable for life. I might as well pick up a knife, and slit my own throat. Cunning, baffling, powerful it is that toxic Gin
I don’t play the jester. By the grace of God today I am 7 years sober. There is nothing a drink will not make worse. I don’t need to hide airliners in my purse. For this is a daily “one day at time” reprieve. I need no alcohol in me. I am better off sober
I don’t play the fool, you can’t school me into thinking any different. For I have a solution to keep my alcoholic self at bay. Just for today, I start with God thy will not my will be done. There is where I have the best hope at laying my head once again on my pillow with peace, and serenity. With not an ounce of alcohol in me
I don’t play the zany. Loco is not my plight. Might as well play with death. Hope is my life. The knife drawer is closed, and from my faucet flows living water. My sobriety is based off of my spiritual house, and I have cleaned house. This though is done, “one day at time” there is not a single mouse
God, I offer myself to Thee – To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.” 3rd Step Prayer in recovery
I am not reading you a fairy tale nor making up tall tales or old wives tales
What am I then? Tomorrow when I wake I will have 7 years of continuous sobriety. It is a hearts dream come true
I am not able to keep this without my God, and my daily reprieve on bended knee. He has given me the tools today to not have to pick up the bottle. I know how to today live life on life’s terms. I work a program of recovery. One I don’t take for granted, because not one us is exempt from ever going back out. It is all based on my willingness, and surrender daily
I am still one day shy of this great accomplishment. So when I wake that is when my not in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined 7 years without the numbing of that bottle will come true. My cup runneth over, I have become a woman in this program
I am grateful beyond all measure, my sobriety I protect as if it is the most magnificent treasure. It is truly a gift from God, “one day at time”
Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39
As a huge milestone is fast approaching, I am eager in anticipation to celebrate this day with my dearest. This Thursday August 6th, I will have 7 years of continual sobriety. No toxin in my skin for 7 whole years. Nothing to numb me, and make me dumb
So with that said I can remember back to getting sober. There were so many firsts. I had been drinking pretty heavy for about ten years total when I came to the realization I was totally insane (loco). I was bruised, battered, and stained. I was asleep, like a Zombie. I could barely talk, and most times my walk was staggered. My heart was as dark as the blood that drained from my own dagger. I was held captive in darkness, shackles tight. I could not run fast enough desperation of a dying woman was seizing me
There was no one let alone me I could please. I was so woe is me, and please pity my life. I did not know how to live sober, and free of my spiritual illness. Hope was gone, that was the song on repeat in my cast iron heart. I was dead inside, my blood had run to freezing
So getting back to the sobriety part. The magic, and the artistry of God’s gracious hand on me. Free! Shackles lifted, and lights blind. I was alive, and awake from my slumber. People could see there was no more alcohol in me
The first time I saw myself in the mirror, OH DEAR! What had become of me
The first time I talked without slurring my words, I actually spoke with poise
The first time I said, “I love you,” and felt its meaning
The first time I looked outside, and saw all the earths majesticness I had been blind to
The first time I cried, raw and organic. It flowed like the storm on the night of the Titanic. Years of tears. I was drenched with sorrow, that I cast far away from me with God’s forgiveness
The first time I hugged, I didn’t want to let go it felt so good to swallowed like a bear. Not a single care
The first time I prayed. I could feel the spirit envelop me whole. For this had been years since I had that kind of know
The first time I was grateful my list was as long a hymnal I sang the chorus over and over. For thee I adore once more
The first time I laughed it was loud, and obnoxious like I had never made that sound before. Yet I felt it deep
The first time I was learning Lisa. There was so much to learn. It is was as if I was in school just for me, the A, B, C, s’
The first time I kissed with much nervousness do I even know how. Like do I practice or something I only knew under drunken uninhibitedness
The first time I made a genuine friend, do we talk over tea over something. It was so exciting you see, especially for a drunk like me
The first holiday, I remembered it all. I was festive, and a bit jolly. Break out the Holly
The first time I grieved, even my dad who had passed in 1983. My grief list was too quite lengthly. I had lost a lot in my toxic trance. Now time to take a glance, and then put it all to rest
The first time I started to find new likes, and loves that were all my own. Wow, to be my very own person. The codependency in that broken bottle gone. My age like that of a child, with much wonder. Pure amazement. Easily amused
My list of firsts could go on, and on because I still have some even seven years later. The one thing I know is these firsts are never to be taken for granted. I live my life “one day at a time,” and can never forget where I came from. I work my life with my spiritual house having to be guarded. These firsts are all dependent on my spiritual house, and where I sit. So today I don’t quite have seven years, no not until Thursday. I have the firsts, and I hold them close
The first time someone found enough worth in me to invite me to a recovery meeting, was the first time I realized I needed to have the tools it offered to learn to live sober, and free. So more firsts I could see
The first time I said The Seventh Step Prayer is as follows: “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding
How could I not smicker as I look back on this video taken on my 10.21 mile bike ride? It makes me giddy from deep within. I get goofy on my bike. The child in me comes out. All the sights, and sounds all around skimming by from side to side.
Biking is my all time favorite pass time. I am a little over three and half months post double mastectomy. This by far is the most tragic surgery I have had in my lifetime. So when I got the green light, and all systems go (all restrictions lifted by my surgeon) you can only imagine my delight!
My mind went right to my mountain bike, it is my happy place! I was given life after a devastating diagnosis of breast cancer. God has been so very gracious to me! So I think when my family/friends see these videos I make it is of no surprise. I am so filled with gratitude for how phenomenally well I am healing. Kneeling every morning in praise of His name!
In all this it has caused a renewed appreciation for life, and a new love for the life God has gifted me! Never take a single moment of this life for granted, for none of us ever know the day or hour we may be called home.
“One day at a time”, that is all I have. It all belongs to my loving God. I am not delirious from fever of the heat I ride in, I am just plain goofy (it is hot out there 96 degrees)! Life is too short, I am living my best life today! So goofy I will be, no matter who’s eyes may be on me….
Written for the word-of-the-day-challenge: smicker
The wall fell down, and I allowed myself to tip toe into the water, as the sand melded into my toes. I could taste the salt water as it brushed my nose
I knew I was safe because my savior walks on water. The ocean was vast, and the tide was rising. I felt so clean my spirt inside me gleaned, I was competing with the lighthouse lights. My senses were set on fire
Longing for the sun to set, I was setting out to skim the water. Just to have it flush with my skin, this was no mysterious being. It had all been a part of God’s creation. Which was now my new spirit filled destination. All of what was me drifted way out to sea as fast as the fish schooled by
For the wall fell down, and I allowed myself to tip toe into the water, the sea was vast the currents tide fast. I knew I was safe because my savior walks on water
Three Things Challenge #303 by Pensitivity101Been, Clean, Wall
I can taste the richness of my life this morning as I wake, not the bounty of what the world glorifies as wealth. I can savor the abundance of grace that my heart is adorned with. I am bewildered knowing I am loaded with His spirit. I am free to be, I am His!
I am dizzy with my cup that over flows with acknowledgement that God is doing for me what I can’t do for myself. My grin is large, even my teeth show big from within. My smile is wild with the breath of life that flows through my core.
I am skittish with the anticipation of what my day may bring. I sing goofy songs, and make up dopey lyrics. Gratitude sweats through my every pore. For my God I so delight in. He holds the pen.
Affluent is my life, as I have had much strife to stretch me. I am learning, growing, and I am becoming an adult. The little Lisa that did not want to grow up, is becoming who she has been called to be. If this is not enough to make anyone giddy…