Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Airliners, Insanity, an alcoholics travesty, no more!

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No not in your pockets that will not do, words from the old. Flabbergassted this was me…A glimpse into my insanity

Airliner size bottles are easier to hide, they aide in clever. If you consider misdemeanors clever. I hid all sorts of alcohol just about everywhere I could think of, beer too

Airliners slip neatly into the bottom of a shoe, if you have a slew of them no one will be onto you. Boots are even better

They also go quite nicely between the the mattress and box spring, great for the picking once everyone has kicked it for the night

I had managed with certian outfits to conceal them on my person, like anyone is willing to do any lurking

I had a slit in my purse lining barely big enough for these tiny sized swigs to slip right downside of. They lay neatly concealed under my wallet, and the other have to’s. Not a single person ever knew

I hid them in the bathroom among my makeup mess, I must confess I spent a lot of time in the bathroom

Beer cans float well at the top of a toilet bowl, and who ever looks in there unless the flapper becomes an issue, Phew

Poolside was a place I liked to get licked. I hid them in one the community bathrooms under the sink. Way back in a corner, no one ever knew. Use the bathroom, pound one down. 5 left to go. Then blitzed

This was just the normal for me, I thought nothing of it. No big deal. Everything was secret, and hidden. I was a very driven alcoholic, it was always there. I was never without it

I can only imagine my poor liver soaking this in day in and day out. At 5’2″ 108 pounds then. I was drinking myself to death, and darn good at it too

As I write this it makes me sad that I was this deceiving, I believe I had really nobody fooled. I just sat and wallowed in petty resentments. In realtity I was fooling only myself, I was a creep. I was in deep

I filled up a plastic water bottle with a wine of choice thinking everybody would think it was some sort flavored fruit drink, I carried it with me as I shopped. It was always fully loaded and in tow. With me everywhere I would go

I took alcohol to work in a traveler mug, smuggling in booze is a great way to get you fired, it happened a couple times. Oh yes the day I got my D.U.I. Make it worse get fired, sob and despair. Sit in your car with drink after drink, then see how you drive. Right into a buff Increbile Hulk size police officers cuffs, and off to the county jail. $1,000 bail

I still for sometime never looked the part. Looks can be deceiving. That I was. Always dressed to impress, and well schooled. For a moment I could pass myself off as able. Then I would start the job get “my desk” and my booze would dribble from the table 

I was not able. Why do they call it a functioning alcoholic? Usually every one knows. What just because I could drink everybody under the table taking in copias amounts of alcohol without an ounce of sickness or headache  

I was not able. Just because I got up, and drove myself to work? Usually with a drink in the middle console easing my anxieties the whole route there. I just did not care, or did I? I was loosing myself 

I was lost in an alcoholic insanity. Using alcohol as a bandage for my conflicted heart. Albert Einstein said it best; “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  

So I became a professional at something yet, how proud where was my reward? Blue ribbon hangining or a trophy please, “Insanity Professor”. In less time then it takes to get an AA degree

It has been 7 years and 2 months of sober! Wow!! 7 years since I realized I was powerless over alcohol. Gave up alcohol in exchange for my life eternal. My life in Jesus!! I carry Him around everywhere I go. He is with me to guard my heart, he takes up permanent residence. I am fully armored against the evil of this world. I know all to well what it is to be of world. Now I am just in it. As it is written to be. God is my keeper, and has reigns on me. I was convicted greatly by my lack of self control. No more for that is a life that has been said good ridden to, and forgiven.

Can you believe the madness I endured! How absurd! It almost seems harder to be alcoholic, with its trickery and hiding. Thank you Lord for now my abiding is in you!! 

Airliners are for travel to and from a city or county, travel mugs hold my morning coffee, and plastic water bottles are my most prized possesion as I drink a ton of water. I don’t touch a toilet bowl unless it is a must to be attended too. My purse is in tact. I keep my Eli-Pen in there, and most know it can be gone through. I show for work free without slurring my speech, and with that get to keep my job. 

Now here, for all this we can celebrate. Blue ribbon no need, eternal life is my now fated prize!! 

I exchanged insanity for sanity for a life eternal with Jesus!

27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. John 10:27-28

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/23/10/creep

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Recovery, a daily one day at time walk to remain sober is in order

I am a recovering alcoholic, I will always be an alcoholic. I have God, and a recovery program that helps me “one day at time” live life on lives terms.

I could not have imagined even an hour without a drink, let alone a few. 24 hours seemed nearly impossible. Here I sit with 7 years, and 2 plus months of continual sobriety.

I lived to drink, and drank to live. Anything not to feel. My whole life became a lie. I was deceptive, a thief, and my heart was calloused.

I woke up putting alcohol in my coffee (oh the thought how gross), and I thought I had everyone fooled. With breath that reeked, and words slurred. I was so far from the God I once adored. The shame I felt, was killing me. My life was held on by a thread. A thread, that at any moment was about to snap. I was in a place of complete incomprehensible demoralization. I was spiritually sick, and made myself insane. Every drink made me a little further from who I once was. How could I stop?

It came down to a very broken moment, a prayer that God would take this drink problem away from me. I was made very ill, which was not usually the case. I had the shakes uncontrollably, and the years of shame showered over me. I prayed for God to relieve of the bondage of self. I was on the run so very long. I was weary, my heart so tired.

That began what is now 7 plus years of sobriety. I have a daily reprieve with my loving God, and a program that too holds me accountable. It reaches in to the depth, and is the solution. Alcohol is, but a symptom. So I these two go hand in hand.

I can’t have sobriety without God, and without sobriety there is no God. So I have to keep my spiritual house clean. The cobweb is gone, but the spider is still there. There is nothing a drink will not make worse. I attend meetings regularly, and yes it is a program based off of anonymity. I chose to share my story. That is my choice.

All by the grace of God, and one day at time I get to be sober. God has to be my priority. God has to be my number 1, and I feel my program is a gift from God. I can’t ever forget where I came from, and humble is my feat. For there in an instant there goes I…

Step Twelve
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

All by the grace of God
One day at a time
Recovery is possible!

I am a miracle, I get to be part of a world of people of miracles just like me!

Sober is me just for today!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/18/10/recovery

Posted in Writings from my heart

All of me…

ALL of you Lord wants ALL of me

You are not in want of me only in my lost dreams

You are not in want of me only when my heart is riddled with confliction

You are not in want of me only with the countless times my soul is not at peace, and I find no rest

You are in want of me for songs of praise from the most trivial of a moment to the most agonizing of breaths, you want ALL of me

You are in want of ALL of me lifting my hands in awe, and thanksgiving for even if when my lot is not what I thought or had hoped it to be, sing

You are in want of ALL of me, death to my own self that I can be filled with you, and then you can pour yourself in me

You are in want of ALL of me being child like in my prayer, bringing forth things I would not think you care of

You are in want of ALL of me understanding that I am not of my own, you are my dwelling place. Seeking your face

You are not in want of just a partial cup of me, you want my cup to overflow with YOU…filled to the brim. Seeping from its essence YOU! 

I am reminded of this today, as I step out in faith praying for a family member with mental illness (with no hope for life), friends with Covid, mine and my husband’s soon move, my surgery fast approaching, and the weather so cold I kind of loathe. I get to bring it all to you, lay it down at your feet. Find rest at the cross, get lost in your presence! Prayer, it takes me to the throne room with you

Lord take ALL of me!!

Psalm 73:6 My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Plucked from the decomposing garden that was my life

Photo: google images

I was plucked from the decomposing garden that was my life, it was all over grown a wretched perception. It needed pruned, and somehow from ruins and decomposition God heard my cries, banshees moan

The gate was rusty, and the weeds so many they intertwined toppling me with every step. Scathed from the thicket. My body bruised, battered, and scorned. The gate began to screech open. Jesus was my ticket out

I had been prisoner of this unkempt land for years. It was all I knew. I just assumed it was my lot for life. I even chose my burial spot within. I lived within the decay, and rot. My memory forgot of any other way of life

Just upon the gardens gate was life. It was colorful, delightful, and free. I was scared I did not belong there. As my hue was lacking for any color. A corpse walking among the dead. I was unkempt, and a dreadful sight

Yet the garden gate remained open calling me into the light. Wanting me to get out of the tall grasses that held me captive blocking my view. Poison Ivy was taking over, it was now or never. My endeavor was to make it through the gate. Even if I crawled, focusing on the tree of life. It sat just on the other side. It was giving me strength to leave

Scared to death. I wriggled my body through the posiness plants. My flesh wanted badly to stay. I knew no other way to live. The dark was what my eyes had become accustomed too. The light was blinding

There He was taller than the grass surrounding me (Jesus). He came through with wrath, and a gardeners hoe. He illumated the garden. Snakes slithered and hid. Toxic plants began to wither. As I kept inching toward He was clearing my path. It was my Lord and Savior. He came for me

My cries were heard, and understood. He translated every sob. He then picked me up from the dirt filled floor, and carried me the rest of the way through the gate. Sat me in front of the tree, and shut the door tight. He then sealed it for no entry. I was plucked from the decomposing garden that was my life. Sat underneath the tree of life, grace dripped like sap into my lap. Napped there for sleep so needed was real

Upon waking I  looked up, and He gently kneeled wiping the tears from my eyes. My vision was clear. Just then a deer was a passer by panting for the water close. So my soul too, longed for that same water, and I could cup into my hands as much as I wanted to. In an instant I was made clean, I gave all my shame to Him. He cleansed me from within. 

I was filled with color, and was motioned to go drink from the living water until I got my fill. This was my life being created brand new. For He rescued me, heeded my pleas. He had the keys to unlock my imprisonment. Unkempt I did not stay, free to be in Jesus I was plucked from the decomposing garden that was my life

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/10/16/banshee

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

There was no rhyme or reason with alcohol and I, death was my play day after day

There was no rhyme or reason to anything I did in a day nor what I would say. I was captivated by the pull of the bottle as it helped my feelings not to be at play

With each drink making all of what was MY life go away. The pull so great. Enebriate allow me to dance with the bottle day after day, adversity chants

I could never get my fill, I was seeking my own kill. The thrill of all the chaotic madness to sit at bay. Leave for a whole day. Play with me, drink me to sleep. Sing me a lullaby. All in my head. Drink me deaf, and dumb

Wake again to bathe it into my pores. An alcolohic insanity. Travesty awaits. Pick the bottle back up again, Lisa was ready for her game

There was no rhyme or reason I just wanted it to all go away. Who cares how you feel, I don’t feel so just leave me alone to wallow in my pity. Oh you hurt, whatever. You don’t even know my pain

Can you imagine trying to reason with a person such as who I was? Lost in the fuzz. Just let me get buzzed, and sit in my selfiness. Drunkin stupor. This was my 24/7. My mind so crazed it was my heaven

God could not touch my callsoused heart. It was an art. Wearing my mask, and hiding alcohol in my skin

Thank God for His grace and He shook me from this place. Turned my life upside down. Saved me from my drown. I was a bottom feeder before, but man did I ever hit bottom. There was nothing more to do

I desperately needed the ryhme and the reason. Tis the season for change. No more deranged. I wanted a rhythm in my heart, and needed to feel my pain. Stained as I was it was time to trade my bottle for the cross

Put it down drank the grace God poured out. Drink it daily. One day at a time. My life has been given back to me. No more trying to slit my wrists with alcoholic bent

I sit here in awe at all my Lord has done. I see the sun/son! My days are not dark, I walk in the light. Alcohols just an excuse I do not adore. Just a horror 

My hands raise up in thanks for He saved my life from my own self. All I want is His will. Praising God his mercies are new every morning. For this story God gets all the glory!

Romans 3:24 But by the free gift of God’s grace all are put right with him through Christ Jesus, who sets them free

I am today in a recovery program that gives me the tools to live life on life’s term without having to pick up a bottle, this is contingent on my spiritual house!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/10/15/adversity

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

A silhouette of a man, with soft whispers prayer kept me from hanging on by a moment

Mute, my words to slurred to commute. A sleep in the steal of all that has life. My heart in dark caverns stop.

Everything is unfair in my coke bottle thick eyes. Yet shocked everything comes as a surprise. Contradiction in my affliction. Sorrow does not rain on my parade. No umbrella needed I am not protected. Vulnerable to every sip, and lick of that bottles drip.

A cadaver stiff, my body slowing. All my senses going. I know I am immortal, but the bottle seems a lifeline to some portal. I drag a toe tag wrapped around my barren foot. My life is soot. I drink to live, and live to drink.

Sitting in front of my tombstone in an inebriated state. Damn name better be carved in slate. I deserve, I need, I want, I should. Famous words of the alcoholic. Memorized by my tonic. God then stepped in with defibrillation. Not in deserve, but persevere of what little is left. Last chance for one last dance of a beautiful life. For which I had not known.

IV fluids on standby. Flush the plague. My life so vague, why would He think to hydrate me with saline. V tach no more. Life is being pumped in. My senses are being pronounced, I hear a prayer being sung over my spirit.

His prayer is delivering me out of the darkness. My whole body is being filled with life abundant. Sight, sound, touch, taste! My life is not a waist. Coke bottle glasses removed from my face. I see the most gentle, compassionate eyes. A silhouette of a man, with soft whispers prayer kept me from hanging on by a moment.

I was instantly falling in love with Him. I was desperate for change, forgot all I was lacking. Starvation for choose no longer. Taking His invitation. Falling more in love with Him, letting go of all I had held on to. Nothing to lose, with my life revived. Check for pulse, strong in Him. “One day at a time”.

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/10/09/2020/cadaver

“One day at a time”
Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

He delivered me…

He delivered me out of my sadness, happiness

He delivered me out of my madness, sanity

He delivered me from an alcoholic hell, sobriety

He delivered from all that made me spiritually ill, well

He delivered me from selfishness, selflessness

He delivered me from hopelessness, hope

He delivered me from an attitude of ungratefulness, gratitude

He delivered me from self loathing/pity, compassion

Jesus delivered me, and I no longer hide. I come to Him in a daily reprieve on bended knee with a new song in my heart. I have strength in lift of my hands, and I have a voice today. I can sing. No one can muffle my mouth, booze is not out for strangulation of my self. Praises humming. I get to chose. I chose life. I am delivered free of all the chains, my own self demise. I am His prize.

Jesus delivered me clean, and I am able to look that mirror straight in the glass I see a graceful lady. Nothing shady. The mirror glistens, I am not breathing broken glass. Waiting for the world to pass. Amazed at my eyes for they are the color green. In gaze at my face that should look so much older, and colder. For all the years of running with hate. Fate, yes He delivered me. I gave my life to Him in trade of my own imprisonment.

Jesus delivered me free. My death sentence was appealed at the cross. Crematorium papers misplaced. Declared she is no longer a danger, deranged, or estranged. Jesus declared me legally sane, and my life was singed of on. He paid the penalty on the cross, for how far I was lost. I owed a debt I could not pay, he paid a debt He did not owe. You reap what you sow. It was time for me to get up, go, and grow. I was free. Humming Praises long over do.

He delivered me

This is sanity’s smile, this is what I see every day since Jesus delivered me. And yes my eyes are green, who would have thought. Always was told they were blue, they are not. God could and would if He were sought! Sought!

Fernando Ortega said it best in “Give me Jesus” https://youtu.be/9rZ8k9m2hwo this song was sung was sung at Ruth Bell Graham’s memorial. Fernando is a beautiful soul, I had the honor of meeting him when he played at our church many years ago. Being once married to a P.K.’s kid comes with some cool perks. This song for me says it all!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/10/06/2020/crematorium

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

The beauty in simplicity of God’s love for you, and me

My arms raised high to the sky 5 months post double mastectomy, how great the Father’s love for me!

The countless ways I could say God’s love for us is never changing, nothing will be able to seperate us from the love of God

There is no greater love known to man, we can try hard to mimic it but really as humans that is quite a strecth. It is equlivalant of no equation that the human brain can comprehend

The beauty of simplicity brings me down to my knees. I will praise you all eternity. And Lord I love you. Because you first loved me, the switch in my heart has been set to on

Your love oh Lord is consistent, you are the alpha, and the omega. You are fixed in the ways you love your children

Your love is magestic in stature and like the mighty mountains, and more vast than any sea, there is no depth of height that it knows

Nailed to a cross, you drank from that bitter cup. Your frail, broken boned body hung, and your blood was poured. You wore all the sin, and the weight of the world upon that cross, so all our sins would be washed away 

Your love Lord steadfast all you ask is for all of your children to know that if not now, one day every knee shall bow, every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. You want your gospel shared

May I illumate the light of my Lord, so glaringly bright that it could blind the blind. Making birds scamper, and squirrels run. People point, stop and stare. Look at her set apart, angels singing all around her with harps. Melodic sounds, and my crown so beautifully adorned with jewels of all sorts. For I am the daughter of a great King. As much as he professesses His love for me, I too want all to see, I love him forever 

His love is greater than any love known to man which comes with God’s sovereignty. All in all omniscient, an ever lasting love-Unconditional! 

Uniformity is rare, but Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord Romans 8:38-39

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/03/10/2020/switch

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Met with my maker

A conversation with my Heavenly Father;

Come unto to me child, let me lift that fallen chin so you can feel the sunlight beam, and turn your frown upside down. 

I am here

Come unto me child, you are cold with naked skin let me clothe you and give you rest.

 I am here

Come unto me child, you are so weak thinking you can not bare to go on, let me carry you in your weariness. Whisper you a lullaby.

 I am here

Come unto me child, anxiety ridden your heart is heavy laden. I will take it all do not despair. 

I am here

Come unto me child, let me wipe the new fallen tears. With each tear let all the fear be soaked up. Look up into my eyes, I your father have you. 

I am here

Come unto me child, let me wrap you in my love. As gentle as a dove I will take you under my wing. You still have many years of song left in you. You will sing again, praises.

 I am here 

Come unto me child, you have walked many a mile. Your feet are calloused, and so much malice. Let me sweep you up off the gravel you walk. In me take stock, you are my flock. I take great pride in you. No more squabble just sweet surrender, I will give resting peace.

I am here

Come unto me child enter into my Kingdom. Upon your leave you will be holy, unrecognizable. Everyone will ask where you have been. You can I say I was with my father, the makeover you see in me is Him. He has taken residence in my heart. Radiating from my skin.

I am here

Come unto me child, it is a new day with a new start. All the years stolen I have given you back. You need not fret for another moment, I have you. We are one, and the Holy spirit is there as your guide. Hide no more. Walk out your door with your held high, for with me you are taller yet. You have been met with your maker.

I am here

The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Jeremiah 31:3

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/01/02/squabble

Posted in SoCS Prompt, Uncategorized

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Sept. 26, if only with the twinkle of my nose 😉🙏🏻

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “container.”

Getting ready to move! Disclaimer I don’t believe in magic, but if I did I wish for all of my belongings to be a twinkle of my nose into a container. How nice would that be. We just helped my son move, and I over did it. I took a week to get back to feeling a little better. Now it is time to get our house all packed! With a twitch of my nose, no! With the support of my family/friends, and God as my strength we will make this move yet! He always carries us through, so here we go readying for our move

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. 1 Chronicles 16:11