“But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.” Matthew 10:33
DC talk said it best, “What will people think when they hear that I’m a Jesus freak? (It’s the…) What will people do (…freakshow) when they find that it’s true”? Ho ho Ho ho ho-o Ho ho
This morning I am readying myself to see my surgeon, and yes I am very emotionally/physically drained. I cried upon waking which is not my norm. I was quickly reminded of the gift of the breath of life I have. I was reminded how much worse it could be. I was reminded how His mercies are new EVERYmorning. I was reminded that “this too shall pass”. I may have to do this often throughout my day, recognize how great a God I serve. I may be on repeat of hoe He is holding the pen, if I allow Him. How He is in charge, and when I try to take over things just go awry. My heart has the desire for His compass. I know His compass always has my best at heart! It’s art really! Beautiful majestic art! Letting go, and letting Jesus my author my savior hold the pen!
Last night I was advised to go the Emergency room after talking to the on call surgeon. I am one week post swapping out my tissue expanders for implants. The last surgery in my breast cancer journey. Yesterday was the worst I felt the whole time since my surgery.
I was in tears when I was told my husband could not be with me at all. They were doing a work up for sepsis. I had tears streaming my face as my phone would not even connect to make a call out.
Thankfully after a long day with a fever, and feeling very nauseous my blood work came back all clear. My blood pressure was high when I got there. I refused all medication while there, because of all my allergies. I was the only person who could advocate for my own health. They were going to give something on my list of allergies.
So at the end of it all the conclusion is I have a pretty good sized Seroma. I will be seeing my surgeon tomorrow to see how we are going to address this. I am in a lot of pain. I am so swollen, but thank God I am home. Thank God it was not sepsis. Makes you realize how precious life is, and how fast things can change.
I was so weak, and sleepy. The Seroma was just making me feel crappier than I even knew. I have had many of you responding with prayers, and kind words. I just wanted to update you all on what is happening as of now.
So I am resting, and my husband was given 2 more days off of work to be with me. I so appreciate all of your prayers! Lord willing I will stop draining soon. I just keep holding on to “this too shall pass”.
God bless you all, may God be with you all as we approach the coming New Year!
So yesterday I had my final breast cancer surgery. My husband, and I were overwhelmed by the prayer response we got. I woke to texts, FB private messages all saying we are praying. As well they reassured us how much God had me. Which there was no doubt how very present he was.
I have such a very complicated health background. So when my double mastectomy went off without a hitch I was ecstatic to say the least. I was writing home to mama even though really she lives here, and I am able to call her on the phone. It just sounded sounded better to say that lol (more dramatic). Writing home to mama…😄
We knew the risks, complications, and just about all that goes into breast implants after a double mastectomy. Trust me we double, triple, and quadruple checked our information as well statistics. I am allergic to so many medications, and foods. This is decision was not taken lightly, or without fervent prayer.
My surgeon in all honesty after reading my prior health history told me his anxiety went up even thinking about the double mastectomy let alone putting implants of a foreign nature in my body. He in the end with us, after weighing heavily all options gave his approval. I went all summer with just above my average size breasts before my masectomy for the tissue expanders, which are what stretches my skin for the implants that are now my breasts.
So as I sit here everything at this moment looking back in retrospect everything went better than expected, and God answers prayers! Prayer is so powerful! I did have to have drain tubes that are producing very little blood. They will be taken out the morning of Christmas Eve if they keep producing less than 15 milliliters. Which I am pretty certain they will be.
So far what I see in the mirror I am excited about, I could have never have gone without breasts. The lack of sensation in my breast tissue has been quite enough for me to accept alone.
So now our prayer is for no post surgery infection, and number one on my list is SLEEP. I have the opposite reaction to anesthesia. Which is more common than realized. I have slept 2 1/2 hours since being home at 4 p.m. yesterday. I suffer from insomnia for about the first 3 days the anesthesia messes with my internal sleep clock. Which I am trying to keep my attitude in check since my “hot” wonderful husband was by the grace of God able to take a week off of work in care of me. So I smile when he walks by even though all I wish to do is scream “I need sleep”! I won’t do that though. I am going to try for small catnaps today. Which hasn’t happened yet.
I know the size of my breasts are to me perfect because it is the same cup size I was before they removed them. They are just more full as I am almost 47, and have had two children 24, and 22 years ago. So they just look happier. They may not be super natural, but I have breasts. I am free of breast cancer! I rode my mountain bike all summer with as much ease as you can with expanders that are the same as the implants I have now, but felt like a vice contraption. These implants are so much more natural feeling. The stretching of my skin that is so thin from the removal of my breasts, was very painful. It has all been worth it. This is not the route for every woman as each case is so individual to the woman. It is such a personal, and intimate path. So soon with God on our side this journey will all be in the rear view mirror. God has so done miracles in this body of mine. The surgeon said to my husband “if all my patients had as healthy of tissue as your wife it sure would make my job easier”.
All God none of me, I think not drinking has played a huge roll in that. Sobriety has served so many positive roles in my life. As well All God not me. I am just a willing participant in this journey of my life. Praise God for that. I show up for my life today!
We have meals for over a week, from a meal train my mom started. How very blessed we feel. The hardest part about this is not being able to hug our closet. When my mom came over the night before my surgery, with her soon to be fiancé to bring food. Saying goodbye without a hug was the hardest part. I teared up, and my heart felt sad. It has been too long of this social distancing from those who hold the closest places in our hearts!
So as I am finishing up this post, I am a very sleep deprived, extremely blessed woman. Who knows my creator God was present through this whole journey from diagnosis to now. If there are errors or anything confusing in this post please excuse me, as it is time to try one of those catnaps I am in desperate need of. As well my husband has not once left my side (he is a God send). He too is very emotionally drained. He is already snoring away next to me, hopefully that will be me soon enough. Except I don’t snore. Blessings All. Sorry for the long post..lots in my heart ❤️
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being. (Ephesians 3:14,16)
So I got the call that my final, and my last breast cancer surgery is a go for Monday the 21st of this month. With that came tears because reality hit. This is it, it is finally happening. Of course whenever anyone is put under there is also a little bit of nervous anxiety.
We have so much to be in laud to our loving father God for. I will be in 100% self quarantine starting tomorrow after I Covid test. This weekend we had 3 separate little Christmas’s with those who are near, and dearest to us. Two people each night beginning Friday. How blessed we are to have these beautiful people in our lives.
We had strict orders that no food was to be exchanged or eaten at any given get together. We gathered, and we did everything according to my surgeons orders. We had a couple pictures with masks off, but it was for milliseconds.
I am all done with everything Christmas, I am ready to be locked down. I really kept it simple, and stress free. We were so blessed to be able to give this year, and that my husbands job has been essential. God is so present, and I know on the day of my surgery He will be right at my side. He is the Ultimate surgeon. He gave me an incredible surgeon who I trust fully. I feel confident everything will go as planned.
The biggest struggle I am having is that my husband has to drop me off, and say goodbye at the car. That one cuts a little, but I know it could be so much worse. It has been for so many people.
So I will continue to spiritually ready myself. I will be praying lots, reading, staying connected to friends/family, and the one thing that allows me to do all this is my AA meetings. So I will be Zooming a lot too. A gift in, and of itself.
Here is a sneak peak at a couple of our early Christmas pictures. My husband’s best friend of well over 40 years dates my best friend of over 25 years. He thought it would be super funny to come out to our car to make sure we didn’t forget anything (while spraying unknown fart spray all over our car). 🤢 Almost 55, and these two are like little boys when we get them together.
Psalm 35:28 My tongue will proclaim your righteousness, your praises all day long.
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “list.” Make or talk about a list. Enjoy!
I have one thing on my list of things to do today. It is simply to step back giving this “one day” over to God and saying “thy will be done, not mine”. When I do this, I get out of the way. It is miraculous how God shows up. He just simply allows the day to go exactly according to His will. I reap the benefits of peace no matter if it something simply marvelous that comes to me, or possibly very painful. He is present in all circumstances, and I am never alone!
My list is to be who God calls me to be today! Maybe today you sit with a grieved, heavy heart. Maybe you are filled with fear, and uncertainty. This world is a little upside down, and backwards. It is not without a purpose though. There is hope in the midst of every storm.
We can dance in the rain, smile in the pain, and raise our hands in praise for He has all authority. He is sovereign. I will today trust God knows better than I do what is best for me. In Jesus name my list is given to my Father, best friend, and He walks on water. He does circles in miracles around my life.
Don’t give up before the miracle happens. I almost did, then I saw a glimmer of light. Now today 7 plus years later I get to delight in giving Jesus Christ my life.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
And there it was a number overly recognized on my caller ID. We had just prayed with the knowledge I had ripped all of my stitches that held my tissue expander in place, and tore my muscle that my last breast cancer surgery would be moved up.
That ring was God answering our call, we had changed the date several times. We just moved so that became priority, then I just way over did it. Me! Anyone who knows me knows that is just how I work. I wanted so desperately to get my home all decorated, and settled in. Well that is all done, I am fresh out of excuses. As well I am very uncomfortable to say the least. Sleep is hard, and my left breast is discombobulated. It moves inside a little too much for my liking. So of course I said yes. God heard our cries.
My surgery for my breast implants is December 21 at 9 a.m. So I am getting new boobies for Christmas. I am nervous mostly with all of the Covid cases, but I trust God as my ultimate surgeon. As well my oncologist put me in the hands of one of the best plastic surgeons in our city. I expect the best outcome. Yes it is not natural, but at 46 it was the best decision for me. I couldn’t imagine having no breasts. We thought about every option, and every route woman take when given a double mastectomy due to Breast Cancer.
I woke to a disturbing private message begging me not to do this. This lady quoting “she is saving my life.” As if I haven’t done all the research on the pros and cons of Breast Implants. As well I have a very complex makeup. I have had numerous surgery related complications, and allergies as well. My surgeon is very well aware of my previous hardships. So to say I was a little put off by her unwanted opinion is an understatement. I don’t wish to start any morning off with a lack of Serenity. Yet there I was, feeling like who does she think she is? I was angry, and put off. I got emotional. I allowed her to take my peace, just for a minute.
Immediately my husband, and I went to prayer. We together asked God to intervene. I can’t afford to have my Serenity be upset, nor be in fear and not faith as I am readying for such a huge change in my life. I am so grateful I know when my spiritual house is disturbed. So now my heart is back on track, and we have a lot to do before my surgery to be ready for our Christmas.
Thanking God today who always keeps me on the right path to the next right thing. Thanking God for hearing our plea to up the date. He is so faithful!
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Psalm 116:1
When I rise upon any given day waking to say that “thy will be done not mine”, I believe I will triump with God through that day
When I rise upon any given day waking to say “thank you Lord Jesus for this day”, no matter what my circumstances might be. I believe I will triumph with God through that day
When I rise upon any given day waking to say “God direct my thoughts, my feet, and let me be a light of the Holy Spirit that resides in me”. I believe I will triumph with God through that day
May I triumph with God at my right side. My guide, my anchor, my Father, and my Savior that walks on water. Abba Father who will not give me more than I can handle, and allows me through hard times so I might grow. The waves may seem tsunami like, and the rocks may cut like glass. I believe with Him I am up for any task
He is always there, and He will get me to the other side. So in Him I gain great perspective, and share my story. Yet again giving God all the glory. God never said life would not be gory. I believe if I can keep on keeping on in Him no matter the weather of my life, I can get through triumphant
For this I give God my Father praise! For He is faithful, and His mercies are new every morning. He love me loves even when I am weary. There is nothing I can’t triumph through if I am leaning into God. So I believe today will be another day I lay my head on my pillow, and say “thank you Lord for what was another great day done your way.” Triumphant I wish to stay
Psalmist 106:47 Save us, O LORD our God, and gather us from among the heathen, to give thanks unto thy holy name, and to triumph in thy praise.
I feel like the Macklemore & Ryan Lewis song Thrift Shop. “I’m gonna pop some tags”. Instead I popped my stitches, and I don’t have Twenty dollars in my pocket.
Well when I do something I do it to the finest. I woke in immense pain in the middle of the night, and I knew something was very wrong with my left breast.
Making my way to the mirror, and with the pain running down my left shoulder to my elbow I could see the deformation in my left breast. My husband could not believe what he saw, he too knew it was bad!
So they are stating I popped my pectoral muscle stitches dislodging, and rotating my left tissue expander. It is so morphed looking. It all moved right, and is hard as a rock in one lump area. They have taken me down to zero activity. As well I am in quarantine from all people/stores. I can’t even get comfortable. Yet it is not life threatening just excruciating.
I have a tele-Med appointment Tuesday. I am pretty sure the outcome will be to ready me for surgery. So what was to wait until after the holidays, is not going to happen. As well all the sweet progress I have made on our new place has been put on hold. I am trying to hold onto Pslam 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.
As well this is all totally out of my control in all honesty I did nothing I am not allowed to do, except maybe listen when my body was pushing back.
So there it is as I write from my pillow on my bed, and drinking tea. Of course thinking it could not be any sooner that this gets taken care of. This is the most miserable I have been since my double mastectomy. Here is to some sleepless nights, and still seeking His will be done not mine. I do know though this too shall pass, I just wish the pain wasn’t so great. So my presence in WP may be a little less, as I try to rest here and there. God bless you all, His will not mine!
This move for me took a lot out of me, more than I ever imagined. I thought I kind of had this whole double mastectomy thing licked. 6 weeks after my surgery I was walking daily, and soon that went into mountain biking. A lot of mountain biking too!
Well mountain biking is one stretch of the upper body, and a whole lot of lower body strength. With this move my body has experienced so much push back. My body is not used to the stretching, bending, pulling, and lifting that comes with unpacking a home full of boxes.
This week I have experienced 3 major emotional breakdowns. My body does not want to cooperate with what my brain wants to accomplish. So this leaves me with acceptance. I have got to accept the limitations of my body. I am not one to easily ask for help. This week though I had no choice, but to pick up my phone. I needed to talk about my emotional state because I can’t afford to be stuck for too long where I have been. Right now I am just in the mud, if I don’t lean into God with acceptance soon enough I will find myself in quicksand. Sinking in self pity, and letting my ego get the best of me. Humility is a must for me!
It is amazing at how having a spiritual connection with my Lord, and savior as well a recovery program keeps me touch with my character defects. I can see when I am missing the mark. I am gifted the tools today to not have to stay where I have been. I just got to get my tool box out, and get the tool needed for this difficult time. I need the serenity prayer, and God to help me understand who I am now after my double mastectomy. As well the no sensation in my breasts has really hit me hard.
So I was kind of smacked up side the head with a major reality that I am not as well of as I thought I was. I do though know with my loving God, AA program, and all the support of my family I can get there. My husband is a God send!
I will always be amazed at how God is so faithful to meet us right where we are. We can be at the highest point of joy, or the lowest point of grief that comes with much weariness, and He is there. He is sovereign, and He loves me unconditionally. So there it is I have had a heck of a week with some major choking gut wrenching tears, and whacky thoughts. I am far from perfect, and I have felt a little crazy with my emotional upsets. Though everyone has reassured me that it okay to fall to pieces, as long as I don’t stay in pieces. So my prayer is God will grant me acceptance!
I am far from the superhuman I was wanting to be, and pushing myself to be. As well as the lack of sensation in my breasts makes me no less the woman than I was. I am a child of God! My value is not in, and of this world. My value rests in the eternal world of my Lord! Praise God for that! I am always amazed at His faithfulness to His children! So blessed to be one of His, and in His family today!
With emotions, and anticipations at an all time high today. I know tomorrow whom ever is our President I will be the same as I am today. I will continue to pray for the President of our country. Either way, it does not change that I will continue to pray daily. As well it certainly does not change my heart. It may change how I pray, and what I choose to pray for, it is that simple.
I know who I voted for, but either way my prayer for today is that we can “Make America God Again”! Amen! So as we all sit here wondering, what will be the outcome of what seems the most critical election in History, nothing has to change. God has ALL authority! He already knows the outcome. I myself am to stay near to Him, and continue on in prayer. Just like any other day, I did my honor as an American. I voted, and I take great pride in that. May we all take pride in The United States of America which was created by the hands of a great, and mighty God. Which was founded on “In God We Trust”.
Blessings to you all today. May we be loving, gentle, kind, compassionate, accepting, and a blessing in another’s life today!
Life is most defiantly 10% what happens, and 90% how we react to it. Make today be beautiful no matter what the outcome. Choose to be the difference.
“I would encourage every person who loves this country to pray and to turn out by the millions to vote. Don’t just watch the news and be depressed. Stand up for America! Vote for leaders who love this country, defend the Constitution, and support law and order. Most importantly, pray.” Franklin Graham