Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

Recovery, a daily one day at time walk to remain sober is in order

I am a recovering alcoholic, I will always be an alcoholic. I have God, and a recovery program that helps me “one day at time” live life on lives terms.

I could not have imagined even an hour without a drink, let alone a few. 24 hours seemed nearly impossible. Here I sit with 7 years, and 2 plus months of continual sobriety.

I lived to drink, and drank to live. Anything not to feel. My whole life became a lie. I was deceptive, a thief, and my heart was calloused.

I woke up putting alcohol in my coffee (oh the thought how gross), and I thought I had everyone fooled. With breath that reeked, and words slurred. I was so far from the God I once adored. The shame I felt, was killing me. My life was held on by a thread. A thread, that at any moment was about to snap. I was in a place of complete incomprehensible demoralization. I was spiritually sick, and made myself insane. Every drink made me a little further from who I once was. How could I stop?

It came down to a very broken moment, a prayer that God would take this drink problem away from me. I was made very ill, which was not usually the case. I had the shakes uncontrollably, and the years of shame showered over me. I prayed for God to relieve of the bondage of self. I was on the run so very long. I was weary, my heart so tired.

That began what is now 7 plus years of sobriety. I have a daily reprieve with my loving God, and a program that too holds me accountable. It reaches in to the depth, and is the solution. Alcohol is, but a symptom. So I these two go hand in hand.

I can’t have sobriety without God, and without sobriety there is no God. So I have to keep my spiritual house clean. The cobweb is gone, but the spider is still there. There is nothing a drink will not make worse. I attend meetings regularly, and yes it is a program based off of anonymity. I chose to share my story. That is my choice.

All by the grace of God, and one day at time I get to be sober. God has to be my priority. God has to be my number 1, and I feel my program is a gift from God. I can’t ever forget where I came from, and humble is my feat. For there in an instant there goes I…

Step Twelve
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

All by the grace of God
One day at a time
Recovery is possible!

I am a miracle, I get to be part of a world of people of miracles just like me!

Sober is me just for today!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/18/10/recovery

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

I choose to swim…

Been going through a lot, my heart still bares threads. Torn some pieces, edges nudged. Just slightly smudged. Didn’t realize the emotional toll my double mastectomy would take on me

This is my plea, my voice rings out to thee God above. Over mountain peaks, and roof tops I shout this for my heart needs your ear. I need willingness to accept, been very down on myself

I am not poor

I am not shabby

Jesus is my caddy

I am not inferior, or low quality

Jesus is superior

I can’t change the status of my life

I have to grieve

I am not less of a woman

I need to be willing to give myself some grace

I am not subpar

I am not second rate

Jesus is written on my hearts slate

I have to get to a place of acceptance of my new body parts. Art in the making is what it seems. Still trying to wrap my mind around these new things. I guess they call them breasts at best. Jesus hear my plea

So when I look in the mirror things are most definitely different, but I am alive. They are doing there best to make me look great. I try with gratitude to not shake my head with disgrace at the odd shape. Wave my old breasts goodbye. Jesus hear my plea

I will rise above yet another test that God has given me, my prayer is that I swim. Not sink. Pain inflicts, but will not be my fall. I call to thee instead with my plea. Disfigured reflections, I fear rejection. No sensation in either one, numb. Bumping into things, and no feeling. Jesus hear my plea

Hey I know I am not too shabby, just another journey to walk. Not just talk. Probably sounds like I have not made up my mind, on how I feel about myself. Trying to convince myself, yes a little. My emotions are a little of track from this new rack I wear. Jesus hear my plea

A new road now unfolds, imperfect yep. God makes up the difference, substandard not with Jesus as my right hand man. For with Him I will stand facing the mirror with acceptance of what stares back at me. Jesus hear my plea

Time to swim, catch my breath. Tread the water I used to sink. Give myself a break, shake this feeling of indifference away from me. Look at my body with a new perception of acceptance. They may be little strange to look at, and sometimes I gasp. Jesus hear my plea

Watch me take flight, as Eagles soar for Jesus I adore through all the tribulations. This will not get under my skin. Sink or Swim. Jesus hear my plea

I choose swim until the very end…He hears my plea

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Me being a little goofy, trying to catch my breath in the realization of my breasts with absolutely no feeling of sensation, and pain and nerves that strike like lightening. These are things I am trying to accept yet!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/24/20/wave

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

This is all I could muster for the word of the day, Oh Lord I pray and I pray…

Two days of just being blah, and I could not put my finger on why. I am 4 months Post Double Mastectomy. I have had 2 surgeries, and have 1 more to go. The time has come that it needs to be done. I have to schedule my final surgery.

I pick up the phone, and while dialing the doctor I start sobbing. Welp I didn’t need to put my finger on my funk any longer, I could not wrap my brain around another surgery. I am feeling so phenomenal, and I am back to my norm, and mountain biking a ton. Summer is my favorite season, and I have been living it up.

So here I am crying trying to catch my breath, making my pre-op appointment for my final surgery scheduled for October 7. With this Covid-19 there is so much more detail too. The whole conversation with the nurse I was agitated, my nerves were ruffled so deep. I could not find the peace I know I needed, and need.

So this is where absolute surrender comes in, I have to die to myself completely. I have to find acceptance in the middle of my brain saying I am not ready for another traumatic surgery. I don’t want to be poked, prodded, and manipulated on a cold sterile table. I don’t want my breasts to be fondled.

So I ask my loving Lord to swaddle me in a blanket of his comfort, and love. I ask for Him to give me peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray my God be with me as He is the ultimate surgeon. I give myself to thee, to do with me as thy will. I ask for him to help me wrap my brain around 1 more upheaval of my life. Praying the blah passes, and tears stop trying to trickle out of the corner of my eyes. 1 more surgery, and God it is your will. Help my spirit be lifted, tears be dried, and Lord God be at my right side.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

One day at a time

I don’t play the clown gloating with makeup thinking for a second that if my spiritual house is not up to spec that next drink is not just a fingers length from me yet

I don’t play the jokester I know the spider is dead, but the cob web is still there waiting for its black widow, one brush with that venom I will be dead. My spirit must thrive on all that is alive, and serene so my spiritual house stays clean

I don’t play the harlequin it is not a good look on me. My alcoholism is doing push-ups waiting for me to have a hiccup to unbearable for life. I might as well pick up a knife, and slit my own throat. Cunning, baffling, powerful it is that toxic Gin

I don’t play the jester. By the grace of God today I am 7 years sober. There is nothing a drink will not make worse. I don’t need to hide airliners in my purse. For this is a daily “one day at time” reprieve. I need no alcohol in me. I am better off sober

I don’t play the fool, you can’t school me into thinking any different. For I have a solution to keep my alcoholic self at bay. Just for today, I start with God thy will not my will be done. There is where I have the best hope at laying my head once again on my pillow with peace, and serenity. With not an ounce of alcohol in me

I don’t play the zany. Loco is not my plight. Might as well play with death. Hope is my life. The knife drawer is closed, and from my faucet flows living water. My sobriety is based off of my spiritual house, and I have cleaned house. This though is done, “one day at time” there is not a single mouse

God, I offer myself to Thee – To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.” 3rd Step Prayer in recovery

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/08/06/Jester/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

When I wake…

I am not hallucinating

I am not fantasizing

I am not delusional

I am not living in an imaginary world

I am not reading you a fairy tale nor making up tall tales or old wives tales

What am I then? Tomorrow when I wake I will have 7 years of continuous sobriety. It is a hearts dream come true

I am not able to keep this without my God, and my daily reprieve on bended knee. He has given me the tools today to not have to pick up the bottle. I know how to today live life on life’s terms. I work a program of recovery. One I don’t take for granted, because not one us is exempt from ever going back out. It is all based on my willingness, and surrender daily

I am still one day shy of this great accomplishment. So when I wake that is when my not in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined 7 years without the numbing of that bottle will come true. My cup runneth over, I have become a woman in this program

I am grateful beyond all measure, my sobriety I protect as if it is the most magnificent treasure. It is truly a gift from God, “one day at time”

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/08/05/dream-2/

Posted in Word of the Day Challenge

The first time I…

As a huge milestone is fast approaching, I am eager in anticipation to celebrate this day with my dearest. This Thursday August 6th, I will have 7 years of continual sobriety. No toxin in my skin for 7 whole years. Nothing to numb me, and make me dumb

So with that said I can remember back to getting sober. There were so many firsts. I had been drinking pretty heavy for about ten years total when I came to the realization I was totally insane (loco). I was bruised, battered, and stained. I was asleep, like a Zombie. I could barely talk, and most times my walk was staggered. My heart was as dark as the blood that drained from my own dagger. I was held captive in darkness, shackles tight. I could not run fast enough desperation of a dying woman was seizing me

There was no one let alone me I could please. I was so woe is me, and please pity my life. I did not know how to live sober, and free of my spiritual illness. Hope was gone, that was the song on repeat in my cast iron heart. I was dead inside, my blood had run to freezing

So getting back to the sobriety part. The magic, and the artistry of God’s gracious hand on me. Free! Shackles lifted, and lights blind. I was alive, and awake from my slumber. People could see there was no more alcohol in me

The first time I saw myself in the mirror, OH DEAR! What had become of me

The first time I talked without slurring my words, I actually spoke with poise

The first time I said, “I love you,” and felt its meaning

The first time I looked outside, and saw all the earths majesticness I had been blind to

The first time I cried, raw and organic. It flowed like the storm on the night of the Titanic. Years of tears. I was drenched with sorrow, that I cast far away from me with God’s forgiveness

The first time I hugged, I didn’t want to let go it felt so good to swallowed like a bear. Not a single care

The first time I prayed. I could feel the spirit envelop me whole. For this had been years since I had that kind of know

The first time I was grateful my list was as long a hymnal I sang the chorus over and over. For thee I adore once more

The first time I laughed it was loud, and obnoxious like I had never made that sound before. Yet I felt it deep

The first time I was learning Lisa. There was so much to learn. It is was as if I was in school just for me, the A, B, C, s’

The first time I kissed with much nervousness do I even know how. Like do I practice or something I only knew under drunken uninhibitedness

The first time I made a genuine friend, do we talk over tea over something. It was so exciting you see, especially for a drunk like me

The first holiday, I remembered it all. I was festive, and a bit jolly. Break out the Holly

The first time I grieved, even my dad who had passed in 1983. My grief list was too quite lengthly. I had lost a lot in my toxic trance. Now time to take a glance, and then put it all to rest

The first time I started to find new likes, and loves that were all my own. Wow, to be my very own person. The codependency in that broken bottle gone. My age like that of a child, with much wonder. Pure amazement. Easily amused

My list of firsts could go on, and on because I still have some even seven years later. The one thing I know is these firsts are never to be taken for granted. I live my life “one day at a time,” and can never forget where I came from. I work my life with my spiritual house having to be guarded. These firsts are all dependent on my spiritual house, and where I sit. So today I don’t quite have seven years, no not until Thursday. I have the firsts, and I hold them close

The first time someone found enough worth in me to invite me to a recovery meeting, was the first time I realized I needed to have the tools it offered to learn to live sober, and free. So more firsts I could see

The first time I said The Seventh Step Prayer is as follows: “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding

The first time I snorkeled was this weekend
What a blast all weekend at the River
This is my smile as genuine as a mile post on a sign, I love my life. I live “one day at a time.” . My husband & I so Devine!

Written for Word-Challenge-of-the-day: first

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/08/03/first/